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Original poster

My wedding and Brother-in-Law’s relationship

64 replies

ChorltonCreamery · 23/09/2018 10:07

I am a long time lurker.
My DP’s brother is lovely; he is kind, generous and incredibly funny but never really had a career. He either has a job that matches his qualifications and becomes overwhelmed or he has a dead end job. I would suspect he has mild anxiety. He refuses to fly. His partner is a bit long-suffering, not enjoying life as much as she could ( in spite of her good career)if there was a bit more money or if he flew.
I like her but rarely see her. If I see her with friends she just waves at me, I made an effort so the kids would be close but she wasn’t interested.
Well DP and BiL have had an unexpected inheritance and we are finally tying the knot.We were going to tell everyone over a meal.
Well I bumped into Sister-in-Law. She was transformed,happy, friendly and excited BiL was spending his inheritance on taking her on a cruise to the States.....our wedding right in the middle of this holiday!
My DP told his brother about the clash. Now both my DP and I would be devastated if they weren’t there but at NO point did he ask him to change his trip but he did! SiL has now kicked him out and the relationship is over.
How would you proceed? Do we say anything? Do I approach her? BiL is off work and MiL thinks he is having breakdown.
We feel beyond guilty. The date is so far in advance we didn’t think to ‘clear’ it with family.

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat · 23/09/2018 11:42

*when she doesn't get her way

Original poster
ChorltonCreamery · 23/09/2018 13:22

Thank you everyone.
Now it’s in black and white I think BiL does have som issues which make life not as good as it could be for her.
They are married. Some people asked this. They got married when their first child was born just a few months after I met my partner. This takes me back to another time she was upset. I joyfully congratulated them and she was embarrassed and said something along the lines of not being in a position to invite partners. BiL then said something along the lines of Chorlton is invited though. She said Chorlton is lovely but I can’t invite XYZ but you’re inviting in-laws!!!
Well MiL got involved and I was invited. Now Other sibling’s children were not invited but MiL got involved and they were going to be brought to the venue and allowed to mingle before the meal. However when we came out the kids were fast asleep So BiL invited the MiL of his sister who had come with the kids to join the party. Well SiL started crying on her wedding day!!!”You have invited some random but I couldn’t invite my cousins”.
I didn’t (and don’t ) think of her as a bitch but someone who has had to make compromises when perhaps others haven’t.
My kids are baptised and it turned out theirs are too but no invitations were given to us as she said she didn’t want hole in the corner affairs like her wedding by inviting people and spreading money too thinly.
I feel that our wedding is maybe not why they have split up but is the catylist. I am really sad and I want to say that to her,

OP posts:
greendale17 · 23/09/2018 13:26

**If she has helped and supported him for years it may as others say just be the final straw for her.

At the back of the pile again with no care or thought given to how she feels. Everyone else more important.**

^This. The SIL deserves someone better

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 13:29

If I supported your SIL leaving before I do even more now. Your BIL and MIL sound awful. She was made to invite a partner of a few months to her wedding and told no o cousins. Yet the minute his family event comes up everything gets dropped. It sounds toxic

mostdays · 23/09/2018 13:30

Not your fault op but I can see how This at be the straw that broke the camel's back for her :(

mostdays · 23/09/2018 13:30

*this might be

SalemBlackCat · 23/09/2018 13:31

OP if you have only just decided to get married and nothing has been arranged yet, why did they need to cancel the cruise? I'm now thinking that if SIL has been through that much, surely then you could postpone your wedding for their cruise? I mean you wouldn't have even started planning, so why not do the decent thing and tell them in no uncertain terms "your cruise is ON!!!"?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2018 13:36

How far I n advance is the wedding / holiday? Has he put it even further and she simy cannot bear to be stuck in this rut any longer? Half his inheritance might just get her set up with the kids somewhere too

ApolloandDaphne · 23/09/2018 13:43

None of this is your fault. He wasn't asked to change his holiday but did it of his own accord. It probably spoke volumes to his DW about their relationship and was the straw that broke the camels back. It is their issue to resolve not yours.

Jlynhope · 23/09/2018 13:51

I feel awful for your sil. It sounds like your bil is very selfish and once again she is getting shafted. Your mil sounds awful as well. Why would she make them invite you to her wedding when you'd only just stated dating? That's crappy behavior. I'm actually happy she's getting out of the marriage.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 23/09/2018 13:54

I also feel sorry for your SIL. Your BIL and MIL sound awful and what happened at her wedding is horrible. She deserves a lot better, I agree with PP's, it's probably the straw that broke the camels back and I don't blame her.

It's not your fault but after what happened at her wedding and now something massive for them has now been cancelled because of your wedding would be very tough to take.

itswinetime · 23/09/2018 14:01

Your poor sister in law if she had a thread on here you BiL and MiL would be slated demanding partners attend weddings when some of her family aren't! Inviting random Strangers to the bride on the day that's awful! And obviously so upsetting to her that she chooses not to celebrate things over getting back into that situation.

I think you need to look back on things with eyes open as I think unconsciously hopefully you have been influenced by your MIL/BIL.

As to the wedding it happens dates clash the holiday could have been the booked or the wedding moved if it was that far in advance. I imagined it's the straw that broke SIL though her dream once again being but on the back burner for BIL. Nothing you can do but it might be nice to reach out to SiL show some support she deserves some friends and a chance to enjoy her life.

SweatyFretty · 23/09/2018 14:06

Enjoy your wedding, and support BIL through his breakup the best you can.

You didn't cause this. Their marriage hasn't been working for a long time - you know this. Let both BIL and SIL find their own happiness.

sonjadog · 23/09/2018 14:09

This really isn´t your fault. No-one would end a happy marriage over this. This relationship was over already and this was maybe what provoked her to finally act on it.

HiHoToffee · 23/09/2018 14:15

Your poor SIL. I think you inadvertently have done her a favour with the wedding being at the same time of the cruise.

I can understand why she is not very close to you, she got railroaded into inviting you, someone she hardly knew, over her cousins, that must have hurt. Not your fault but it can't have been easy for SiL to put those feelings aside.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 23/09/2018 14:21

What a delight you all sound. She gets rail roasted into inviting you to her wedding when you had just started dating your now DH. She is the problem? Not the interfering MIL? She has married a bum who can’t hold down a job, doesn’t fly and clearly doesn’t contribute much and he gets a bit of money and books a cruise for her then your all surprised when she chucks him out after he asks to change it to go to your wedding.... yep some folks don’t have their priorities right

Snowymountainsalways · 23/09/2018 14:21

Absolutely not your fault and nothing you can do but offer your support.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 23/09/2018 14:21

Rail roaded even😂

Inertia · 23/09/2018 14:41

I feel sorry for her TBH. It sounds like she's been accommodating her husband's anxieties and his family's demands for years- even on her own wedding day- and now the one thing that would have been planned for her has been scuppered.

And actually I think it's generally the done thing to clear wedding dates with close family - 10 months in advance is not that far, people do book their summer holidays this far ahead.

SalemBlackCat · 23/09/2018 15:02

Yes, everyone is right. I re-read the OP's posts and I read it very wrong originally. It sounds like both the SIL and BIL have had great stresses on their marriage due to finances and BIL's problems, and SIL has had to take a back seat and sacrificed a lot. Maybe she was feeling transformed because she was looking forward to a cruise, a desperately-needed holiday. I don't know what exactly can be done except changing the wedding - you can get married any time, but it seems the SIL is perhaps on the verge of a breakdown and desperately needed the cruise. Tell the BIL to keep the cruise date (if cancelled try to re-instate the tickets/reverse the cancellation or book for as soon as possible for the next one), the SIL needs to take precedence this time, but I would also suggest getting the BIL to agree to go to counselling, for his own issues if not as a couple.

magoria · 23/09/2018 15:15

Based on your update it sounds like she is better off away from BIL and MIL.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 15:33

The other thing op is it sounds like your MIL wants her back to deal with your BIL rather than having to herself

Laureline · 23/09/2018 15:34

Her husband doesn’t sound that delightful, tbh. If he cancelled the cruise unilaterally, I can understand it might have been the tipping point for her.

FunSponges · 23/09/2018 15:42

I wouldn't be happy if my DH cancelled a long awaited for holiday for his family's wedding, without discussion and especially after their wedding. Her ILs got far too involved and got their way whilst she didn't get to invite some of her family. MIL sounds like the type she would be advised to have minimal contact with due to her interfering. I support your your SIL in this.

Fireworks91 · 23/09/2018 15:55

How the fuck is she greedy? Sounds like she has been the main earner for however many years.

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