DBIL prefers friends baby to his biological niece

[Abilouise]

Hi everyone. Before I start, I just want to make sure that everyone knows I'm not some jealous woman that demands my daughter is the top on everyone's priority list. My daughter absolutely loves her uncle so it's going to break my heart when she realises that feeling, possibly, isn't mutual. I want some honest advice on what to do and even opinions on whether you think I'm imagining it all.

DP and DBIL only have 18 months apart in age, because of this, they were the bestest of friends growing up. Of course they had normal sibling rivalry, but no one had a stronger bond than them. When I got pregnant with DD, DBIL didn't seem bothered at all and we expected that tbh because we thought he was never into babies anyway. He never asked about the pregnancy.

After I had given birth, 'congratulations' come flooding in from everywhere. We didn't get a congratulations from DBIL, we barely even noticed that tbh. When DD was 10 days old we took her to her nans house (where DBIL lives too) and only then he congratulated us. We hadn't heard a peep off him the whole 10 days. He only stayed for 30 minutes because he was meeting some friends and he didn't hold her. This bothered us a little, but we put it down to DBIL just being DBIL. DD is 13 months old now and she follows him everywhere and loves him to pieces. We didn't expect this, because out of the whole 13 months he's done nothing special to deserve that amount of love from her.

DBIL has a friend, whom he has been friends with for coming on 8 years. Friend recently had a baby and DBIL has not stopped going on about the little bundle. He rushed straight to the hospital to see her after she was born, and was the first visitor to hold her. He's uploaded images of him holding the baby onto social media (something he's never done with my DD). He almost pesters friend with requests for updates on friends DD.

DBIL is the kind of person who will shun and ignore you if you speak to him about this. He won't apologize and correct it or even say nothing but his actions will still change. He will shut himself off from me, DP and DD. So I have to tread lightly.

AIBU or is there an obvious difference between the treatment of the two girls? He has no biological connection to friends DD. He isn't Godfather either so he shouldn't have a sense of duty either. Any help will be appreciated. Sorry this is poorly written, I'm shattered and trying to look after a 1yo as well.

You don't sound jealous at all Abi, it's just that you are wasting your energy trying to puzzle it out. There is only one way to find out, and that is to ask him. Personally, I think you should let it rest, what will be, will be.🌸

It wouldn't worry me - my OH comes from a large family there are lots of DNieces and DNephs. However, we live a distance from them and I know they are super friendly with all sorts of other kids and people - we don't feel shut out because of this (actually never thought about this before I saw your post!). They have lots of social media with others and we don't see his family that much. I also had a best friend (sadly passed away recently) and she showered my kids with attention, possibly not seeing so much of her own DNs... Please put it behind you and remember people get on with all sorts of people in different ways - it's not a competition.

This thread is mad. "He's in love with the woman", "He's the father", "He's jealous of his DB" .... not sure if I missed it but surely someone has also suggested it's because he's in love with YOU.

FFS.

And for other posters coming up with reasons as to why their siblings aren't that into their DNs:

I have "fertility issues" and am unlikely to have children of my own. I'm very close to some of my biological DNs and less so to others. I'm not taking out my fertility issues on the biological DNs I'm not so close to anymore than I do to different friends kids to whom I'm "auntie". It is much more about the dynamics between the adults... and some of the assumptions and statements made about why your siblings are more interested in other kids than your precious offspring should perhaps give you pause to think about your attitude and behaviour as much as theirs.

Maybe he feels like he needs to impress these friends? Or wants to feel invaluable. Their relationship might be based on certain expectations and outward displays of support. I would feel similarly in your situation.

I have been friends with DBIL for 9 years, 5 years longer than I have known DP. So him having an issue with me is probably not the cause.

This is interesting. Do you think there’s by any chance some resentment that he was close to his brother AND close to you in separate ways - but now you’re married and he’s the third wheel?

I ask because a similar thing happened with two girls I knew at uni. They were best friends, but one had an almost unhealthy relationship with her brother (she once laughingly described them as ‘almost incestuous’, which creeped me out frankly).

Fast-forward ten years, I discovered via Facebook that the brother had married the best friend. While the two women were friends on Facebook, the groom’s sister was not amongst the bridesmaids and barely featured in the wedding album at all. I didn’t ever see pictures of them together either.

I have a close male friend who adores my DC. There are several pictures of him cradling DS and DD when they were babies. He is not close to his Dsis (they were closer when they were younger but fell out) and as a result didn't spend much time with her 2 boys when they were tiny, not because he didn't care but because the dynamic with his sister was very troubling. The boys are older now and he occasionally takes them out to cricket etc and has built up a closer relationship.

I really think you are reading too much into all of this. Your 13 mo DD will not notice or care that her uncle doesn't engage with her much and it may change when she is older. I'm bemused people think he is jealous of his brother. He is obviously closer to his friend than his brother and so is naturally more excited about that friend's child.

I am much, much closer to my friends’ children than my own nephews and nieces. And the same goes for my friends and their families.

I think you just need to accept your BIL isn’t bothered.

So did your BIL introduce you to your partner?

You said you were friends with the BIL for 9 years. Then after 4 years you met his brother and now you two are married. Is there any chance that BIL harboured feelings for you before you got together with his brother?

Also, it's not the case that the BIL 'prefers' the other baby. He is displaying more attention behaviour to the other baby. He might love your baby just as much.
The quantity of love is not proportional to the amount of attention (or Facebook approval seeking) given to a person. The BIL might 'need' the other couple to like him so fawning over their baby is a good way to do it. He may not need you guys in the same way.
Why does the BIL still live at home with his parents?

You can’t make him pay attention to her, can you. Also he is entitled to love and pay attention to who he likes! My brother makes no effort at all with my DD who is his only child relative.

I think your daughter will only notice if you make a big deal to her out of how your perceive he SHOULD feel about her and treat her - it will be obvious to her that he doesn’t, and then she will feel rejected.

Why does the BIL still live at home with his parents?

What’s that got to do with the price of fish?

@mirialis - I'm not taking out my fertility issues on the biological DNs I'm not so close to anymore than I do to different friends kids to whom I'm "auntie".

I didn't mean to suggest this was a thing amongst people with fertility issues. There's an awful lot more to the story but I'm reasonably sure that the lack of interest/involvement in the case of my bil and his wife is due to their fertility issues.

Other in laws (there are a lot of them) have more or less involvement and interest in different nieces and nephews and I put that down totally to the relationship between the adults.

Also, I wasn't suggesting this was the reason bil shows no interest. There was nothing in the op to suggest this. I was only relating my story and suggesting the best thing to do was to let it go.

I'm reasonably sure that the lack of interest/involvement in the case of my bil and his wife is due to their fertility issues

Why - what have you or your DH said to them? You said they were "jealous" of you. Why would they not be jealous of their neighbour for having kids then and be so involved with that child but not yours? Why would they not want to "take it out on" that child just as you think they are "taking it out" on your children?

The phrasing of your post makes it really clear that there is more to it than just their "fertility issues".

@mirialis - I know because of things they have said to other family members. We were ttc at the same time as them so I presume, each time I got pregnant, it was very difficult for them. The neighbour's child is older so no pregnancy issues there.

We treated them sensitively with each pregnancy as we understood it was difficult for them. This was despite the complete lack of sensitivity from them when we had a late pregnancy loss. I've seen the suggestions on mn regarding how to deal with pregnancy announcements etc and we had pretty much done most of that.

I probably shouldn't have used the term "taking it out on" but I believe the reason they show no interest is due to their fertility issues. They see my kids a fair bit as they live very close up pils so are around there a lot.

Oh and I think jealousy would be a perfectly normal and reasonable emotion to feel if a sibling got pregnant while you were struggling to conceive. You'd have to be pretty super human not to feel it to an extent. It doesn't mean you can't also be happy for them.

DD is 13 months old now and she follows him everywhere and loves him to pieces. We didn't expect this, because out of the whole 13 months he's done nothing special to deserve that amount of love from her.

Come on OP, I know you’re frustrated but the above statement is ridiculous on too many levels. If he barely acknowledges her, the likelihood of her loving him to pieces is very slim, I suspect she follows him around because him being around is a novelty.

He isn’t interested and you can’t make him be interested, accept it and move on or, get more frustrated and for that frustration to become toxic,

theymademejoin - ok, well with all your sensitivity at least you're not harboring any resentment about your infertile SIL's response to your miscarriage, were only "pissed off" with them when they borrowed family photos to help their case during the highly intrusive and gruelling process of attempting to become adoptive parents, and can graciously see their natural connection to other adopted families who face the same sorts of problems as "taking their unresolved issues out on your kids".

People are so blind to the fact that they also will have unwittingly said and done things that contribute to a change in family dynamics and attitudes like these and are not the total innocents they believe themselves to be.

@mirialis - oh for God's sake. You're twisting what I have said completely.

Yes, I was pissed off with them over their reaction to my late pregnancy loss (not a miscarriage) and felt annoyed at the pretense that they were close to my children when they weren't. Nowhere did I say I am harbouring resentment about those incidents. I have long since let them go.

They were reasonable responses to the incidents at the time, in the same way that an element of jealousy was a reasonable reaction on their part to a sibling getting pregnant. Difference here is, they were not able to get past it. I know this from things they said.

Of course I see that they would have an affinity with other adoptive parents. Of course it is of benefit to them and their children to socialise, interact, give, and get, support, to and from, other adoptive families. However, I don't think it is healthy for them to only interact with other adoptive families, which has been the case here. Obviously as the kids get older, they have made their own friends from all backgrounds so it has become less of an issue.

I am under no illusions that I am perfect. I simply gave my example of why my bil and his wife chose not to be involved in my children's lives. I have other family members on both sides who have struggled with fertility. None of them have an issue with me so I can't be that insensitive.

I'm not going to engage with you any further as you seem to be deliberately misinterpreting my posts.

you don't need to engage with me any further - I'm a stranger on AIBU. Just saying that your post to the OP suggests that you have not "let it go" at all even though you claim that you have (unlike them who cannot let their jealously of you go) - you don't need to explicitly say you are harbouring resentment because it's so clearly expressed in your first post here and latterly your judgement on who they choose to socialise with and whether that's "healthy" for them. I'm not deliberately misinterpreting anything - I'm reading your own words here and saying them back to you, that's all.

He’s in love with this woman

I love my best friend’s child, does that mean I must be in love with her husband?!