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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DBIL prefers friends baby to his biological niece

97 replies

Abilouise · 23/09/2018 08:51

Hi everyone. Before I start, I just want to make sure that everyone knows I'm not some jealous woman that demands my daughter is the top on everyone's priority list. My daughter absolutely loves her uncle so it's going to break my heart when she realises that feeling, possibly, isn't mutual. I want some honest advice on what to do and even opinions on whether you think I'm imagining it all.

DP and DBIL only have 18 months apart in age, because of this, they were the bestest of friends growing up. Of course they had normal sibling rivalry, but no one had a stronger bond than them. When I got pregnant with DD, DBIL didn't seem bothered at all and we expected that tbh because we thought he was never into babies anyway. He never asked about the pregnancy.

After I had given birth, 'congratulations' come flooding in from everywhere. We didn't get a congratulations from DBIL, we barely even noticed that tbh. When DD was 10 days old we took her to her nans house (where DBIL lives too) and only then he congratulated us. We hadn't heard a peep off him the whole 10 days. He only stayed for 30 minutes because he was meeting some friends and he didn't hold her. This bothered us a little, but we put it down to DBIL just being DBIL. DD is 13 months old now and she follows him everywhere and loves him to pieces. We didn't expect this, because out of the whole 13 months he's done nothing special to deserve that amount of love from her.

DBIL has a friend, whom he has been friends with for coming on 8 years. Friend recently had a baby and DBIL has not stopped going on about the little bundle. He rushed straight to the hospital to see her after she was born, and was the first visitor to hold her. He's uploaded images of him holding the baby onto social media (something he's never done with my DD). He almost pesters friend with requests for updates on friends DD.

DBIL is the kind of person who will shun and ignore you if you speak to him about this. He won't apologize and correct it or even say nothing but his actions will still change. He will shut himself off from me, DP and DD. So I have to tread lightly.

AIBU or is there an obvious difference between the treatment of the two girls? He has no biological connection to friends DD. He isn't Godfather either so he shouldn't have a sense of duty either. Any help will be appreciated. Sorry this is poorly written, I'm shattered and trying to look after a 1yo as well.

OP posts:

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/09/2018 09:19

Not worth getting upset about. They may have a close relationship when she is older, or none at all. DBIL may feel he has ‘lost’ his brother now he has his own family. He may be this baby’s father, or want to be. Don’t let yourself get upset about it and don’t let it spoil your relationship with him.

Notacluewhatthisis · 23/09/2018 09:19

That's the things about kids. They don't live to be loved in return. They just love certain people. She won't be heart broken she will slowly learn she won't get much back and naturally detach.

I am much closer to my best friend than I am my brother. I choose my best friend. My brother is part of my life because he happens to be my parents other child. I live him and we got on great as kids. However we both have our own lives. I would be much more excited if my best friend had a baby.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 09:20

This I dont think has anything to do with the babies but his relationship with his brother and the friend (male/female) who has the new baby

And you dont need to do anything

Amanduh · 23/09/2018 09:23

Ffs it doesn’t need to be his baby or fancy the friends wife to be interested in their baby. It’s his close friend.
This is a complete non issue op. People like people more than others. Get over it.

onalongsabbatical · 23/09/2018 09:26

they were the bestest of friends growing up. Of course they had normal sibling rivalry, but no one had a stronger bond than them. I think it's about this. Your DH wants this still to be the case, you believe it still is the case, DBIL has moved on and is no longer best friends with his brother. Which is natural, healthy, and fine. Give the man some space to be himself.

LostInShoebiz · 23/09/2018 09:27

I highly doubt your child will be heartbroken when she realises (IF she realises) she’s not the apple of his eye. She may well have moved on by then to a new favourite. She has no right to be treated like some little god just because they share biological material.

Juells · 23/09/2018 09:27

There's a whole 'thing' that I've read about - and have experienced myself - where you identify with how some babies look. The shape of their heads can influence whether you feel a warm glow or nothing at all. My brother's first child left me feeling completely cold, he was sort of long and thin and nothing about his head or face looked appealing to me. The next baby I fell in love with immediately, as I identified with her, recognised her shape.

Same with my MiL. My first baby was perfect as far as she was concerned as it looked like her side of the family, my second child looked like my side of the family and she had no interest whatsoever.

I think you just have to accept that he's bonded with the other baby, and not with yours. Why do you care? Not everyone is going to adore your child like you do.

Fakeflowersandlemonade · 23/09/2018 09:27

I am a biological Auntie and also an 'Auntie' to our friends child. I love my biological niece and nephew BUT I'm closer to my friends daughter, holiday with her and spend more time with her, buy her more gifts. It's just how it is.

diddl · 23/09/2018 09:28

Gosh-there's quite a few kids that I prefer to my niece tbh!

Homemenu1 · 23/09/2018 09:29

It does sound strange..
I wonder whether the issue is more with you and dh rather than your dd.
What’s both your relationships like with him.
Has dh keep the relations with him,
Have you included him your family?

I might be completely off and apologies if I am

MarthasGinYard · 23/09/2018 09:29

'I am a biological Auntie and also an 'Auntie' to our friends child. I love my biological niece and nephew BUT I'm closer to my friends daughter, holiday with her and spend more time with her, buy her more gifts. It's just how it is.'

Same here

Petalflowers · 23/09/2018 09:30

Comparison is the thief of joy.

If you don’t see bil in often, how do you know he pesters the friend for photos etc

MaryShelley1818 · 23/09/2018 09:34

It really doesn’t matter and I doubt your daughter will ever notice!
My DS 9mths has only met my sister once (for an hour) and never met his cousins at all - She has literally zero interest in him. I’m also much closer to my friends children than I am my nephews and niece. It’s just life.
DS will never know his Aunt has no interest in him as he’s absolutely surrounded by people who do love and adore him, and that’s all that matters.

Bananamanfan · 23/09/2018 09:35

You could try sending DH & DD over to spend some time with him. I would guess that he feels a bit uncomfortable (and maybe afraid of being judged) of interacting with your DD when you are around and also is probably jealous that you & DD have taken his brother away.

I'm not suggesting that either of these possibilities would be your fault btw. I do think both are likely given DH & DBILs previous closeness.

whiteroseredrose · 23/09/2018 09:38

Interesting. How close you are to the parents may impact your interest in their children.

lelepond · 23/09/2018 09:39

It does sound a little weird tbh. I would avoid looking at his facebook as that seems to be the source of your annoyance. Until your child is able to access social media I doubt she'll be aware of his indifference/preference for another child (who knows if they'll even be friends then).

MadameButterface · 23/09/2018 09:42

Your dd will only be ‘heartbroken’ if you continue to waste headspace on this total non event of a situation and make a drama out of it

Seniorschoolmum · 23/09/2018 09:43

It’s not really an issue is it.
Perhaps now your dh has a baby, he wanted an equivalent but didn’t want to trespass on his space, so has found an alternative.
Either way, it won’t affect your dd.

12FreeRangeEggs · 23/09/2018 09:44

I’m in a some what similar situation. Some of my siblings have never even met my DCs and my eldest is 9! Yet we are technically friends still. And yes they seem to love other peoples kids, according to social media.

I have come to accept that you can’t force someone to love you or care for you. And sometimes people like to insert a form of control over someone by removing their love and interest. If he doesn’t want to be part of your DD’s life you can’t force him. At the same time if he changes his mind one day you shouldn’t force your DD to want her uncle in her life.

Tinkerbell89 · 23/09/2018 09:45

He could be jelous of his Brother and you as he may want a baby himself (or as others have said could be this other babies dad)

As long as he isn't rude or mean about or to your DD I wouldn't worry. As she gets older he may find it easier.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 23/09/2018 09:47

Do you and DH spend any social time with him? It could be that e spends more time with his friends so is more involved.

SoyDora · 23/09/2018 09:51

To be honest it just sounds like he’s closer to his friend than he is to your DH (which is fine). Naturally that tends to translate to being closer to their children too.
I don’t have any nieces or nephews but we’re very close to my best friends’ children and DH’s best friends’ children. We see them more than we see SIL, so when/if she has children I imagine we’ll be less close to her children.

KatharinaRosalie · 23/09/2018 09:51

so DD loves DBIL, all good, and you are upset that he has not 'deserved' it?

Waddsup12 · 23/09/2018 09:52

I have nieces and nephews, they are closer to their mum's friends as she sees her friends more and they go away together, etc. I don't have kids and have never socialised with my sibling, so I totally see why. It's easier for them.

I would be very upset if sibling was complaining as tbh it's quite hard to see them as they're busy.

Accept things the way they are and don't think too deeply about it. It's looking for problems.

Sugarformyhoney · 23/09/2018 09:52

My bil also has nothing to do with our kids but often plasters photos of his dw’s sisters’ kids all over social media and laments about how much he loves being an uncle.
I figure it’s some kind of issue in his part and either he’s just genuinely not interested in ours or is trying to make digs. Either way I can’t bring myself to care. Uncles are not a necessity and my kids have never noticed nor cared either. They just accept that some family members aren’t close without any drama or ill feeling.
I’d stop trying to figure it out and just get in with your life tbh

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