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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DBIL prefers friends baby to his biological niece

97 replies

Abilouise · 23/09/2018 08:51

Hi everyone. Before I start, I just want to make sure that everyone knows I'm not some jealous woman that demands my daughter is the top on everyone's priority list. My daughter absolutely loves her uncle so it's going to break my heart when she realises that feeling, possibly, isn't mutual. I want some honest advice on what to do and even opinions on whether you think I'm imagining it all.

DP and DBIL only have 18 months apart in age, because of this, they were the bestest of friends growing up. Of course they had normal sibling rivalry, but no one had a stronger bond than them. When I got pregnant with DD, DBIL didn't seem bothered at all and we expected that tbh because we thought he was never into babies anyway. He never asked about the pregnancy.

After I had given birth, 'congratulations' come flooding in from everywhere. We didn't get a congratulations from DBIL, we barely even noticed that tbh. When DD was 10 days old we took her to her nans house (where DBIL lives too) and only then he congratulated us. We hadn't heard a peep off him the whole 10 days. He only stayed for 30 minutes because he was meeting some friends and he didn't hold her. This bothered us a little, but we put it down to DBIL just being DBIL. DD is 13 months old now and she follows him everywhere and loves him to pieces. We didn't expect this, because out of the whole 13 months he's done nothing special to deserve that amount of love from her.

DBIL has a friend, whom he has been friends with for coming on 8 years. Friend recently had a baby and DBIL has not stopped going on about the little bundle. He rushed straight to the hospital to see her after she was born, and was the first visitor to hold her. He's uploaded images of him holding the baby onto social media (something he's never done with my DD). He almost pesters friend with requests for updates on friends DD.

DBIL is the kind of person who will shun and ignore you if you speak to him about this. He won't apologize and correct it or even say nothing but his actions will still change. He will shut himself off from me, DP and DD. So I have to tread lightly.

AIBU or is there an obvious difference between the treatment of the two girls? He has no biological connection to friends DD. He isn't Godfather either so he shouldn't have a sense of duty either. Any help will be appreciated. Sorry this is poorly written, I'm shattered and trying to look after a 1yo as well.

OP posts:
CircleofWillis · 23/09/2018 09:53

As someone has already asked ‘Is the friend female?’.

DamsonGin · 23/09/2018 09:55

Is there ever a time where it's just your DH, DD and DBIL? What's the dynamic then?

Maybe he feels he lost that close tie with his DB and doesn't feel there will be that chance to be an involved uncle to your DD.

JennyHolzersGhost · 23/09/2018 09:55

Omg mumzilla much !

Nobody is obliged to take an interest in your kid, OP. What your BIL does or doesn’t do with friends and their kids is none of your beeswax. As others have said, comparison is the thief of joy.

DamsonGin · 23/09/2018 09:58

And did you ever ask or imply that you'd like him to be involved in your DD's life or just expect him to? Maybe his friend actively said they were looking forward to him being an uncle of sorts, and he's not felt /heard that with you.

cariadlet · 23/09/2018 09:59

It could be that your DBIL and DH were close as kids, but not so close as adults. If he is very close to his friend then it's natural that he'll be more interested in that friend's child.

There's only 18 months between me and my sister so we were close as kids. As adults we moved to different parts of the country and didn't see much of each other. She married and had children quite young. I was at a very different stage of my life and not really interested in babies or kids so have never been close to my nephews. On the other hand, I am more interested in a couple of friends' children, because I see them often and they came into my life at a time when children meant more to me.

You dd has parents who adore her. No doubt she has other family who love her too and will have plenty of friends as she grows up. Having one uncle who isn't particularly interested in neither here nor there.

mouthkisses · 23/09/2018 10:01

I think it could be either or both;

  1. He is envious of his close brother's life achievements.
  1. He is in love with the mother/father of this new baby?
TownHall · 23/09/2018 10:03

I think I’d faint in shock if any of my brother in laws.... or even my brothers had asked me ‘about my pregnancy’.

SoyDora · 23/09/2018 10:04

^ and I think it’s probably neither of the above, and just that he’s closer to his friend and wife (or friend and husband) than he is to you and your DH.

chillpizza · 23/09/2018 10:04

I’m not keen on family members children. I love my friends children.

My family are my family just because they are, my friends I pick because I like and enjoy them.

SleepFreeZone · 23/09/2018 10:06

I agree. This has nothing to do with the babies abs everything to do with the adults connected to the babies.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 10:08

Yes thinking about it SIL has a best friend who has a son a similar age to DD. Because SIL is closer to her best friend than to me she sees more of him and stays over with her a lot so sees him more from memory I think they even went away together. So she is closer to him that to my two because she sees them more.

Its not a big deal -

theymademejoin · 23/09/2018 10:11

My bil and his wife never had any interest in my kids, despite being really involved with the child of a neighbour of theirs, bringing her out, spending loads of time with her etc. I presumed it was jealousy as they couldn't have kids of their own so didn't pay too much attention, although I would have expected some level of sympathy from them when we lost our first late in pregnancy. I was just told she felt the same getting her period every month when she wasn't pregnant!

However, I was pissed off when they borrowed photos of my kids from mil to put up around their house to pretend they were close when they were being visited by social workers for adoption assessment.

Since they adopted, they still have no interest in my kids. They only seem to want to spend time with other adopted kids. To be honest, I reckon they have unresolved issues about the whole infertility and are taking it out on my kids.

You can either let it go or get bitter about it as you can't change how he feels or acts. I'd recommend letting it go. Your dd won't notice unless you make a big deal of it. My kids don't.

MidniteScribbler · 23/09/2018 10:12

I bet it's his.

Notonthestairs · 23/09/2018 10:14

He's closer to his friend than he is with his brother (or you). He doesn't need to apologise and you need to stop catastrophising (your daughter will not be heart broken).

Your DD has two loving parents - right now that's all she needs.

sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/09/2018 10:16

My brothers gf is more close with my kids than she is her nieces and nephews. It’s just how it is. It may be he’s jealous your DP has more happiness than him or someth8ng psychological but maybe not even the case.

Piffle11 · 23/09/2018 10:19

I really don't think this is a problem, and I think it's quite common. Your DH and BIL were close growing up, but people grow apart and make new relationships. BIL is clearly closer to his friends - and therefore their DC - than his DB. Your DD will not realise and will not be harmed in any way. If he's the sort of person who will 'cut you off' if you try and talk to him about it, then I'm not sure why you would particularly want him around.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/09/2018 10:19

On the grand scale of things @Abilouise, this really is a non issue.
Some babies don't have an Aunt/Uncle.
Your baby has two devoted, loving parents.
Babies love following people.
This is his loss, and his life choice.
Be kind to yourself, and let it drop, you can change the pattern of your thoughts, but not is.
In time things may change.
Whatever you do, don't put the cat amongst the pigeons, with regards to your DH/DB's relationship.

TwitterQueen1 · 23/09/2018 10:22

Your dd will only be ‘heartbroken’ if you continue to waste headspace on this total non event of a situation and make a drama out of it
^ This

Also, I'm puzzled about why you expect devotion from your BIL. I'm a mum of 3 and have always found other people's babies dull. As others have said, it's not about the babies it's about the adults. Your BIL is not into you, he is however, into his friend.

Original poster
Abilouise · 23/09/2018 10:29

Thanks for everyone's advice. I have been friends with DBIL for 9 years, 5 years longer than I have known DP. So him having an issue with me is probably not the cause. There is no chance DBIL is the father of friends baby.

Sorry that I sounded so jealous and wound up about this whole situation, cause I'm not. I know this isn't a massive issue. It was a thread created out of curiosity and whether this situation can be resolved or if it's just in my head. All I'm concerned is, is that my daughter won't have a good relationship with him. As he is a close friend to me also, I would love for them to get along well. I also wanted to know whether anyone would know why he treats both babies so differently. As I stated at the beginning of the post, I'm not some jealous woman and I know that she's not on the top of everyone's priority list. I'm not expecting his world to revolve around her. Just wanted some advice!

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 23/09/2018 10:30

Dont take it personally. All people are different. It is just his way of thinking. He is probably closer and more involved with his friends if he is single. Or wants to show he supports them. Or is finding his friends becoming parents tricky and needing to show that he wants to be friends and still part of their world.
Chill out about it. Probably at some point he will have kids himself and will get it.

Original poster
Abilouise · 23/09/2018 10:32

And no the friend is male

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 23/09/2018 10:32

And dd will prob continue to adore him regardless. At least he is getting some experience with his friends kid!

CarolDanvers · 23/09/2018 10:38

DD is 13 months old now and she follows him everywhere and loves him to pieces. We didn't expect this, because out of the whole 13 months he's done nothing special to deserve that amount of love from her.*

Sorry I just don’t believe this. My children showed preference for people outside the immediate family at that age but they certainly weren’t loving them to pieces and following them everywhere and acting distraught at not getting love back.

Its his loss. It really is. My parents were disinterested and cunty towards my kids - just how they are - desperate determination not to be “used as babysitters” etc. Well we’ve not seen them for two years and my children couldn’t care less. Kids realise this stuff on their own. You act like it’s not a big deal and she will too.

londonrach · 23/09/2018 10:41

Is the baby his? Sounds like it

mirialis · 23/09/2018 10:44

Maybe his friend confided in/opened up to him more and actively asked him to be there at the hospital as soon as the baby was born. He obviously just feels more involved and closer to his best mate than his brother and SIL's at this time in life and there's something about that dynamic that has opened up the baby-loving "uncle" side of him. It's quite common for people to be closer to the children they are "uncles" and "aunties" to rather than actually legally uncles and aunties to due to the dynamic of the adult relationships.

You really need to "unfollow" (not unfriend) on social media and just get on with your normal relationship with this member of your family and not compare yourself to his friendships outside of the family.

Frankly one of my siblings got like this with me and it was annoying and awkward when they "gently confronted" me about it and how I should be more into their kids than my friends' kids. No matter how close siblings are, there is always a different dynamic to friends, and part of this will be the result of his DB's, SIL's, DPs attitude as much as his own.

Just let it be.

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