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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my DH’s inconsistency about food needs to stop?

103 replies

JontyDoggle37 · 21/09/2018 20:49

Tonight I have cooked cheesy bean enchiladas. He has eaten and enjoyed them before (I know, because I’ve written the recipe into my cooks notebook - anything that gets ‘the face’ on first eating doesn’t make it that far). I’m a pretty good home cook, so I’m not serving up burnt offerings. But TONIGHT he decides that said enchiladas are ‘problematic’ because they don’t contain any beef. They have never contained beef at any point we have previously eaten them. The recipe is really tasty (I’m fairly critical of my own food, if I thought it was crap I wouldn’t mind).
This happens often - meal previously eaten is now not ok, for a variety of reasons. Also, if I introduce a new meal, it must not be ‘too green’ or he won’t eat it at all - I.e. more than one v small portion of a green vegetable on the plate. Broccoli, spinach and carrots would be unthinkable. He claims this is because he doesn’t like too many vegetables - but if I produce a meal full of red and orange vegetables (carrots, peppers, red onions, red potatoes) he will eat the lot (unless we’re having one of those days where he suddenly doesn’t like it anymore). AIBU to choke him with a fish slice the next time he comes out with one of his ‘pronouncements’? For context, he cooks 2 x a week (under pressure) and I am always expected to say how tasty/amazing it is.. (I did once suggest his repertoire was getting boring and he needed to expand, he met this with extreme injury and disdain)

OP posts:
POPholditdown · 21/09/2018 21:39

JontyDoggle37 of course it’s not too much to ask! Sorry I read my post back and it sounds like I’m saying you should just put up with it.

Say with me and OH, I’ll mention what I’m planning for tea and if hes not keen he’ll just sort himself out and vice versa. I meant maybe you can do that with your dh. If he turns his nose up, atleast you’ve given him plenty of notice to make his own dinner!

Flooffloof · 21/09/2018 21:42

I am a pretty good cook but even i make food mistakes, you know what my DP says if he doesn't like it. "That was delicious my dear but not really to my taste. I would say similar if needed.
If you cook for someone they should damn well be polite about it.
OP next time just make a plain portion for him. If the meal includes rice, plain rice for him. Pasta, plain pasta etc.

RJnomore1 · 21/09/2018 21:46

Hang on

What's this pish about have to cook four meals

Are you running a fucking hotel?

Saying that I usually offer two choices for meals here. Take it or make your own.

Joking aside unless you have three people in your house with different abdxsevere sensory issues you're being made an absolute mug of.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 21/09/2018 21:48

‘Problematic’ is the worst word in the world. He sounds fucking annoying.

FunSponges · 21/09/2018 21:50

I'd cook for myself and tell him he could sort himself out seeing as you are unable to keep up with his ridiculous 'pronouncements.'

AdaColeman · 21/09/2018 21:57

It sounds as though it's all about control and power and him trying to undermine you.

You mention how busy you are and how you fit so much into your life, but when he's complaining about the meal, the focus is entirely on him, and because he complains about different things each time, it's a game you will never win.

A lot of food games are like this, designed to keep the food provider on the back foot all the time, frustrated, unsure. baffled.

I'd say, stop playing the game when you are the cook, just get on with eating your own meal, don't enter into any discussion about the food, don't pander to any of his whims.
You could always play his game when he cooks though, to see what his response is!

What other controlling things does he do? Do you earn more than him?

Jeippinghmip · 21/09/2018 21:57

Yes choke the miserable sod with the fish slice, you know you want to.

EdisonLightBulb · 21/09/2018 22:05

I once snatched DHs plate And scraped it in the bin when he curled his nose.

He never did it again.

MamehaSan · 21/09/2018 22:07

What a wanker. "Problematic"? Ffs.

I'm not sure how it's possible to choke someone with a fish slice though. Smack him round the head with it instead.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/09/2018 22:08

Stop cooking for him. I agree with PP that this isn't about food, this is about reminding you that he is the most important person in the world and that you must be constantly struggling to please and impress him.
He will switch to doing something else; treat the next tactic with the same cheerful indifference. If he doesn't get a grip, or escalates to actual unpleasantness, get rid of him.

gamerchick · 21/09/2018 22:10

Next time he mentions 'problematic' take his plate and slide the food into the bin with no comment. Then eat yours

Do it every time.

He will stop.

This is the polite version of what I would do.

Comeon lass, get the fucker told... ONE more whinge and he's making his own fucking tea from now on.

Eponymous · 21/09/2018 22:13

Dp used to do this until one day when both he and dd were both griping at the same time and I. Lost. My. Shit.
On the inside.

I picked up my plate and went and sat in the sitting room. And when asked pointed out that to criticise something I had just spent an hour making was incredibly rude and upsetting and I had no interest in eating with either of them or discussing it further.

Now every thing I make is delightful.

BeautifulPossibilities · 21/09/2018 22:16

Stop cooking for him, you are his wife not his housekeeper

LargeGlassOfPepsi · 21/09/2018 22:18

My DH ONCE criticised my cooking. He learned the hard way and cooked for himself for nearly 7 months while I cooked lovely meals for myself and the children. It was such a shame the leftovers went straight in the bin after I plated the food for us. He's learned not to be a dick since then. He never learned how to cook and survived on boiled eggs, bacon sarnies and microwave meals for those 7 months. That was 23 years ago now. If he doesn't want eat what you cook OP then that's his issue, not yours. He's an adult and can cook for himself.

MajesticWhine · 21/09/2018 22:19

I thought I was reading about a DS aged about 10 until I checked your title. Bloody hell. YANBU.

Gabilan · 21/09/2018 22:22

I'm not sure how it's possible to choke someone with a fish slice though

I think in the interests of science, the OP should at least try.

BuntyII · 21/09/2018 22:25

Tell him to shove it up his arse if he doesn't like it.

fizzthecat1 · 21/09/2018 22:29

OP make him cook for himself if he whinges.

BewareOfDragons · 21/09/2018 22:29

Tell him he can make himself a bowl of cereal while you enjoy the meal you have prepared.

He's being a dick. Stop pandering to it.

PinkHeart5914 · 21/09/2018 22:30

I thought you were talking about a child, but it’s your dh Shock

If he doesn’t like it then he can always cook for himself.....

Racecardriver · 21/09/2018 22:34

WTAF. Tell him to either stop being a baby or fork out for deliveroo every night. And stop pandering to him. Cook what you want to eat. If he can't eat what he is given like a grown up then that is his problem.

Glumglowworm · 21/09/2018 22:40

It’s annoying when toddlers do this but they have the excuse of being toddlers! They don’t understand the cost, time and effort that goes into preparing food.

A grown man doing it is fucking ridiculous! I would not be pandering to it. I would cater for strong dislikes as much as possible but not random changes of mind.

Same rule as you’d have with small kids, you can eat it or not eat it but no being rude about it and if you choose not to eat it the alternative is toast/cereal/equally boring thing he can make himself.

Is he an overgrown toddler in other ways or just with food?

AnoukSpirit · 21/09/2018 22:51

He sounds familiar. And it's got fuck all to do with the food.

Something being acceptable one week and abhorrent the next, with no way to predict when or what will change, is the oldest control trick in the book.

Demanding adoration and praise for grudgingly doing things the rest of us mortals have to do also belongs in the same book.

Right there with training you to tie yourself in knots trying to please him and keep up with his endlessly changing position on things. No way in hell is it normal to have to resort to trying to keep a recipe book tracking which foods he has given 'the face' to.

The gaslighting - trying to convince you facts you know to be true are not, and can be changed at will by him.

The sad fact he's managed to condition you to accept this as normal and acceptable when it's not remotely either of those things.

And I'm sure he does have good moments or good qualities or redeeming features, or never used to be this bad. You would never have been interested in him if he'd been a selfish twat 24/7 from the day you first met.

But that doesn't make this ok. It's not healthy, and it's not about you needing to train yourself to stop being affected by it or trying harder to predict the deliberately unpredictable. You'll never manage to do either of those things.

He knows what he's doing. He's got you where he wants you. You can't reason with that. You can't talk him round. He is not interested. He just wants the sense of power he gets from behaving like this.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

SpaceDinosaur · 21/09/2018 22:57

And this worry that he'll throw his toys out of the pram and not cook the two nights you need him to?

FUCK. THAT!

If he's being a knobber, buy yourself an M&S meal on the nights he won't cook.

He's acting like a toddler and being incredibly rude to boot.

If he doesn't like it, "that's nice, the bin's there"

LordNibbler · 21/09/2018 23:02

Absolutely agree with DuchessThingy.