To think that 'Are you feeding [your baby]?' is a weird and annoying question?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I have a two month old, and have found that a lot more people want to have chats with me when I'm out and about with him. Which is nice. However, about 50% of women (particularly older ones) seem to ask either 'are you feeding him?' or 'are you feeding him yourself?'. I always have an urge to say 'nah, we're slowly starving him' - but obviously haven't! I do breastfeed - I can imagine I'd find the question even more annoying and the phrasing even more off if I didn't - and find that then they normally ask how it's going/whether I found it hard to begin with, which feels quite personal. AIBU, grumpy and antisocial to think that this is a weird question? The other frequently asked one that I don't quite understand (because I don't know how I'm supposed to respond is) 'Is he good?'

If anyone asks if he's good smile and tell them he's the best baby ever.

The feeding question is weird it really confused me when DD was tiny.

I hate phrase caught pregnant makes me think of a willy with a butterfly net chasing women.

Ha ha, my mum asked that with my first. It can't have been the done thing to mention breastfeeding in their generation.

I always just took it as a discrete way of asking "are you breastfeeding?" particularly when it was coming from someone who might not be comfortable saying the word 'breast' in public, it's just how some people are.

I always just took it as a discrete way of asking "are you breastfeeding?" particularly when it was coming from someone who might not be comfortable saying the word 'breast' in public, it's just how some people are.

I think that's exactly what they're asking - but I think the question is a bit intrusive (why do they want to know?!), and the phrasing is off. Bottle feeding a baby is still feeding the baby, and I don't think it's that nice to imply it isn't.

It's definitely a generational thing. My Nan says things like 'oh I wasn't able to feed your mum as long as her sisters' or 'I fed X until she was 12 months'..

I always think... And then what? You just stopped feeding them?

Omg I thought it was just me that found this infuriating!!! My Nan asked me recently just before I had my baby if I was planning on feeding my baby.

When I said yes, she then went on to say that she hopes it's not that watery breastmilk rubbish and I put him on proper bottle food.

It's such a strange question!

It's such a strange thing to want to know. Why do they care? It just makes more of a thing of how they are fed which is no ones business other than the parents!

I tended to reply 'yes i am feeding him, he tends to cry a lot it i don't'

I agree it's a weird sounding question which probably stems from society being squeamish about the word breast

I was asked this so many times but the best was on holiday in Dubai when DD was 18 months - taxi driver says "do you give her mother's milk it is best" ?!?! Shut the fuck up and drive.

I did used to say things like "Yes! We chuck her a steak butty now and then"

Or "Only when the wet nurse has gone to visit her Mother"

People might just ask because if you are BF they can sympathise with how difficult it is and all the feeding is down to you.

Or they are just making conversation.

Surely how are you feeding should be the question. How appropriate the question is, well that's another matter

AIBU, grumpy and antisocial?

Honestly? Yes.

It’s shorthand for ‘are you breastfeeding’. Nothing to get your knickers in a knot over. It’s just a question, like ‘ah how much does he weigh’? or ‘Ooh are you getting much sleep?’ or ‘Does he like the car?’

People say things because it’s nice to seem interested.

The truth is most people don’t care what answer you give.

I was asked this so many times. People are just interested and making conversation. I guess we should also think that if we want breastfeeding to be normalised then maybe we should try not to view it as intrusive if people ask, just as normal as any other part of parenting. I don’t think anyone is implying that a baby is starved or that bottle feeding isn’t feeding the baby- it’s just a clumsy way of asking by some people.

Yep, I hate that too. I had a friend explain at great length that his baby son was still “feeding off” his wife and he “feeds off her” several times a night. He said it several times and I felt a bit weird about the phrase by the end of the conversation (I was sat there breastfeeding my newborn at the time).

I might be in a minority here, but I've found that question (more often a variant) is usually only asked to figure out whether or not you can offer support. I ask something similar myself because I don't want to go on about breastfeeding if you're formula feeding.

I like to find out because I breastfed, but had lots of problems with it. Things like tongue tie that are quite common, but new mums don't necessarily know about. I can offer support in this area (who to contact, what times clinics are at, what doctors I know of, which bf support groups are in their area, etc) which many women are grateful for. I offer to hold the baby or change a nappy, but wouldn't suggest I take the baby for a morning because I know the mum will need to be nearby to feed.

On the other hand, I don't know very much about formula feeding, so can't offer support on that. But if I know baby has formula, then I can offer to babysit for a morning without worrying that I need to stay near the mum.

I'm not judging, just trying to gauge if there's anything I can do for the new mum.

Asking this question has led to many long and detailed conversations with friends of friends, passing acquaintances and randomers about breastfeeding. Sometimes I've been able to offer practical support, but a lot of the time they just want to talk out loud and comfortably about things like full breasts, sore nipples, painful let down, nipple shields, breast pumps, blocked ducts, etc etc. Lots of women don't know anyone who breastfed and don't have anyone to talk to who isn't going to tell them to just stop and formula feed.

Chill out. It's just an old-fashioned turn of phrase.

These women might actually be able to give you some useful advice if you let them.

Tiredness and hormones made me grumpy too 😜

Haha I remember my mum chatting to my MIL in the garden when ds1 was newborn. My mum said "Did you feed yours yourself?" meaning did she breastfeed. MIL replied "well, just occasionally". Turned out that she thought my mum was asking whether she fed her roses

Yeah, it is a bit of a clumsy way to ask if you are breastfeeding. And people ask because the experiences of bottle /breastfeeding are different and have different challenges. It helps open up more avenues of conversation.

When I was trying to feed my baby having this conversation with friends and even the odd stranger actually did result in good advice and encouragement. Thank God for the friends who told me about nipple shields!

I have asked it ! My intention is to give them a clap on the back/sympathy/an ear, depending on how it's going. It's an effort at support from someone who knows and who appreciated a bit of acknowledgement of it, but I've only said it when 99.9℅ sure they are and it's always opened up a conversation and allowed a moan/rant etc.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking if you're feeding your baby. Obviously they mean are you breastfeeding. No need to be defensive about it in the great scheme of things surely?

No idea why people don't just say: how's the feeding going?

@ladyodd hilarous😁