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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that 'Are you feeding [your baby]?' is a weird and annoying question?

64 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 21/09/2018 14:11

I have a two month old, and have found that a lot more people want to have chats with me when I'm out and about with him. Which is nice. However, about 50% of women (particularly older ones) seem to ask either 'are you feeding him?' or 'are you feeding him yourself?'. I always have an urge to say 'nah, we're slowly starving him' - but obviously haven't! I do breastfeed - I can imagine I'd find the question even more annoying and the phrasing even more off if I didn't - and find that then they normally ask how it's going/whether I found it hard to begin with, which feels quite personal. AIBU, grumpy and antisocial to think that this is a weird question? The other frequently asked one that I don't quite understand (because I don't know how I'm supposed to respond is) 'Is he good?'

OP posts:

mostdays · 21/09/2018 22:08

I don't ask but I do always wonder. I never would have thought about it before had dc. It's a bit rude to ask, but not weird to be interested.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 21/09/2018 22:16

Udder milk 🤭

I called 'the girls' my udders for a while while I was BFing the DC...

DH was

CocoDeMoll · 21/09/2018 22:17

I think it’s a nice woman (usually older) to woman thing to ask. It’s often followed with an offer of a quiet room or cup of tea.

You only get a short time as a new Mum to enjoy feeling special and interested in. Indulge in it!

BlackberryandNettle · 21/09/2018 23:06

I always think they are just being nice/want to make conversation

SpacePenguin · 21/09/2018 23:21

Ah see, you don't need the support OP. It's been an enjoyable experience and you've never needed to talk about nipples

But what if you were struggling and felt totally alone and like you were the only mother ever who couldn't manage this thing that everyone seems to find so easy? We all know it can be a fine line between holding it together and falling apart, and sometimes it's an absolute life line to have someone listen. I've been the one who needed to talk and equally I've been the one on the listening end.

Years ago the woman sitting next to me at a wedding talked at me about breastfeeding for about 2 hours. I didn't particularly want to have that conversation, but she had a 4 month baby and zero breastfeeding support from friends or family and she just needed to talk. I was glad I could listen to her and hopefully make her feel a little lighter.

It can be a lot easier to talk intimately and honestly to relative strangers about nipples, etc than to your own friends. There are exceptions, but they generally don't ever want to know what's going on with your breasts

Anyway, that's why I still try to open the conversation in some way.

Millie2008 · 21/09/2018 23:39

I think strangers ask (and I agree with a pp that’s it’s usually older women) because seeing a baby brings back personal emotive memories for them of being a new mother. And I think this can result in a desire to reach out and talk to new mums as a way of taking them back to that special (all be it scary and overwhelming!) time. As long as the question’s asked in a warm way rather than a judgy way of course. I do remember being baffled initially by the “is he good” comment! Again, it seemed to be older women who said this and I now just take it as a generic conversation starter about my baby :-)

lexi727 · 21/09/2018 23:56

YANBU! I have a 6 week old and I keep getting the same. Even bloody strangers in coffee shops who come over to see the baby (which I find annoying in itself) ask me. Fuck offfffffff

chitofftheshovel · 22/09/2018 00:23

Slightly off subject but I became a dab hand at responding blithely when my children were babies when people would comment " ooh, she/he is not very old is she/he" with: "well no, its a baby".

Original poster

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/09/2018 07:23

To be clear - I am always friendly and polite back, I answer the question and am not sarcastic or whatever. I do recognise that it comes from a nice and friendly place, I just wish they wouldn't ask that specific question - and, as I say, I think the wording is both weird and potentially hurtful.

What's interesting about this thread is that there are quite a few new mothers agreeing that they don't like to be asked, and then some people insisting that it's a huge public service to all when they ask! It's not a favour if no one wants you to be doing it... Spacepenguin you sound lovely, and that's great if that woman at the wedding started the conversation with you - but surely you can see that for some people being asked in public might be upsetting in itself, and for other people it isn't upsetting but it just isn't something they fancy chatting about? It sounds a little like your logic goes 'I wanted to talk about breastfeeding so everyone must...' There are lots of things in life that people might benefit from talking about, but I don't start asking random people on the bus whether they're suffering from depression or have ever had really bad haemorrhoids so that I can share my experience with them.

OP posts:

Merename · 22/09/2018 07:35

I think the issue highlights the repetitive cliches that are trotted our about pregnancy and babies. I had no idea. People just say the same old shit that was said to them, without thinking.

On this one, I think it generally is the older generation, and usually people who are proud that they managed to breastfeed and want to share in that. But as pps have said, it was probably unseemly to use the words.

Like you’ve said, theres a bit of a split between people who don’t want to talk about it, and those who do/want to offer support, which is pretty normal given we are all different and cope with life in different ways.

SpacePenguin · 22/09/2018 13:23

I do see that not everyone wants to talk, and that's why I would never say 'Are you breastfeeding?' I would probably ask how things are going with the feeding or similar, and wait and see. I certainly don't think everyone wants to talk and I don't go around thinking 'I must share my experiences about breastfeeding'. But some people do want to talk about their feelings/problems and would love an opening.

Lots of people have talked to me about all sorts of random things I have no experience of like depression, infertility, and endometriosis.

Anyway, my point really was that it might be a clumsy way to open a conversation and offer support in some way not a judgemental thing as seems to be assumed. Not always appropriate, true, but in this world where so many of us live alone with little to no support someone reaching out in a small way can mean a lot.
But maybe I'm just one of those people others decide to share things with randomly and my view is totally skewed!

Pooleschoolschoice · 22/09/2018 16:09

I used to get much older random women ask me this at weddings etc. It was usualky really lovely where they'd say well done and encourage me to keep going and that its worth it etc. It felt lovely at the time tbh.

ethelfleda · 22/09/2018 16:36

I thought I would hate those people before I had DS. But turns out I didn’t mind at all. I probably wouldn’t ask anyone though. If they were to tell me they were breastfeeding or hint at it then I would probably ask how they were getting on with it.
But you are allowed to still be a little sensitive

Stillwishihadabs · 22/09/2018 16:59

I think YABU OP as others have said, it's an ice breaker, a conversation starter. It's so much better than what you get between 18m-3 years " he's a right terror isn't he ?" Or " he needs a good smank" TBH I'd take the feeding questions.

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