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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Babysitting dilema

71 replies

Toomanysprogz · 20/09/2018 23:59

So SIL and MIL have today assumed I will be babysitting on alternate shifts with SIL when their second baby arrives.
Problem being since have my DD I have unfortunately become disabled so looking after one is tough enough. To put it into perspective we were also hoping to have a second ourselves but with the disability would not be possible.
I wouldn’t mind doing emergency babysitting if and when required as long as it’s not a regular thing. But looking after 3 small ones would be near impossible physically and mentally for me.
There are some other bits I could go into about this whole situation too but I shall hold off for now unless needed as you never know whose on Mumsnet!
How could I head this off so it doesn’t become a problem later on?
I did suggest setting up a climbing frame in our garden so parents in my DH’s family could come round, let the kids play and relax at our house instead but the alternate babysitting still seem to be their preferred.

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/09/2018 00:02

I’m assuming there’s a backstory to this and a simple “you must be joking” won’t suffice?
Why would you set up a climbing frame in your garden so they can all come round to your house to relax?

Losingthewill1 · 21/09/2018 00:03

Why exactly are they asking you to baby sit?

Have you told them that it’s just too much?

You should try saying - no

BlackandGold · 21/09/2018 00:07

This sounds more like child minding than baby sitting!

Baby sitting to, me would be mainly being in their house with the children in bed if the parents wanted an evening out.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 21/09/2018 00:09

Do you mean a regular agreement while SIL at work?

You just need to speak to them and say No, as politely as possible. I would draft a text explaining about your diaability and just saying you wont be able to help. End of story.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 21/09/2018 00:09

Not that you need an excuse but it might make things easier for you to give one iyswim

Ignoramusgiganticus · 21/09/2018 00:13

To me this wouldn't be a problem. There must be more of a back story.

A simple "no way, I couldn't possibly manage. It's hard enough managing my own with my disability" and repeat as necessary.

If you want to add further strength to your argument, tell them that you'd love another baby but won't consider it because it's too much for you.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/09/2018 00:17

Do you feel you owe them something, op? Because you certainly sound a bit of a pushover. I don’t understand the offer to let the adults in the family gather at your house to relax as an alternative.
Why are you trying to placate these people instead of saying no?

blackteasplease · 21/09/2018 00:18

Do you mean they suggest you stay at home with the 3 kids while the family go out? And SIL takes it in turns with you?

If so, wtaf?

And why isn't your DH being asked to be the one to take a turn? It's his family and as far as you have told us he is able bodied.

To be fair this would be incredibly cheeky if you were able bodied but as it is, words fail me.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2018 00:22

You head this off by immediately telling them you will not be able to manage this. If they balk, please stand up for yourself and tell them the conversation is over. Other people's children are not your responsibility.

Original poster
Toomanysprogz · 21/09/2018 00:23

I did say I struggle enough with DD. This was laughed off which is why I suggested the climbing frame and made it very clear that was instead.
We already own the climbing frame and I have told another member of DH’s family that when we’ve got it set up they’re welcome to pop round and let the kids loose for a bit.
They want SIL to look after DD some days and me to take SILs some days so we both have free time. DD is also starting nursery soon as I am starting my final year of University, so would want all my free time with DD anyway!
They’re well aware of disability but I tend to keep the struggles more private, nobody wants to let on they feel like a crap mum!

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 21/09/2018 00:25

"No, that won't work I'm afraid"

And repeat...!

Pumpkintopf · 21/09/2018 00:26

Just explain it as you've explained it here, and stand your ground!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 21/09/2018 00:28

You must say no. Dont get railroaded into this. Apart from anything else this is your previous time with DD, she will be at school soon enough.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 21/09/2018 00:28

*precious not previous

Ignoramusgiganticus · 21/09/2018 08:21

They can't just laugh it off. Just say no again. What is your dh saying to ask this? He needs to back you up.

WerewolfNumber1 · 21/09/2018 08:29

I’d suggest making sure your DH fully understands and backs you on this, then get him to talk to them.

It sounds like they don’t really understand your disability. I’m also disabled since the birth of my eldest (chronic pelvic girdle pain and prolapse) so understand where you’re coming from. If it’s anything like that, those are invisible disabilities and other people often don’t understand how much they can affect you. I don’t think my family really understood how bad it was at first.

So maybe if DH approaches them along the lines of “maybe you haven’t understood, x is seriously disabled now, there’s no way she could cope with all the kids and it’s making her pretty unhappy that you’re asking” then that would get them to back off without you needing to confront them?

Tbh in your position they should be offering to look after your DD so you get time to rest.

Returnofthesmileybar · 21/09/2018 08:29

I'm lost, can you explain why when they asked told you to childmind (it's childminding when someone is at work, babysitting is a couple of hours for random social things and appointments) you said "I'll get a climbing frame instead" Confused

Forget the climbing frame, it's irrelevant to this thread and to your problem. Next time they say anything related to this, be clear "I don't know where the idea of me childminding for sil or vice versa had come up but dd will be in nursery and me in University do I will NOT be childminding for anyone ever" repear each time, after two times just blow your top a little "please stop with the childminding, it's not happening, end of conversation"

KnotsInMay · 21/09/2018 08:37

“Sorry, this isn’t an arrangement that suits me, and now I am disabled and have my Uni work you need to count me out of your plans”

On repeat.

“No we don’t need to discuss it further because I have already explained my position “

KnotsInMay · 21/09/2018 08:38

And, as you have explained it, it isn’t a dilemma at all.
They are expecting you to fit their plans, you can’t and don’t want to. So say so.

bluebell34567 · 21/09/2018 08:39

i wouldnt put a climbing frame, it will be a way for them to leave children to you.
explain your situation and say no to them for babysitting and repeat each time they ask. dont be soft and give in.

Havaina · 21/09/2018 08:41

OP, YANBU, and you're not a crap mum.

Is SIL intending to o back to work? I fear this alternate/reciprocal babysitting arrangement will morph into you being the default childminder.

(Have to say I did slightly smile at your idea of the climbing frame effectively being the babysitter! Don't let them come round to use the climbing frame when ever they want. they may leave a child with you and run off!).

fuzzywuzzy · 21/09/2018 08:45

A climbing frame won’t work when weather is bad tho will it?

Tell them you don’t want them caring for your dd and you are unable to offer them regular babysitting.

Get your DP to back you up.

Don’t let it go on as an expectation as it will get harder to back out the longer you leave it.

Where do these CF family members come from, I cannot imagine being asked to do this!

MarthasGinYard · 21/09/2018 08:45

I'm totally flummoxed by the baby sitting climbing frame Confused

Surely this would need to be supervised by adults

Shoxfordian · 21/09/2018 08:47

OP you need to be more assertive and say no
It's not a negotiation, you're not able to do it

TanteRose · 21/09/2018 08:49

erm, where is your DH in all of this?
He should be telling his family that it's not possible.