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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Babysitting dilema

71 replies

Toomanysprogz · 20/09/2018 23:59

So SIL and MIL have today assumed I will be babysitting on alternate shifts with SIL when their second baby arrives.
Problem being since have my DD I have unfortunately become disabled so looking after one is tough enough. To put it into perspective we were also hoping to have a second ourselves but with the disability would not be possible.
I wouldn’t mind doing emergency babysitting if and when required as long as it’s not a regular thing. But looking after 3 small ones would be near impossible physically and mentally for me.
There are some other bits I could go into about this whole situation too but I shall hold off for now unless needed as you never know whose on Mumsnet!
How could I head this off so it doesn’t become a problem later on?
I did suggest setting up a climbing frame in our garden so parents in my DH’s family could come round, let the kids play and relax at our house instead but the alternate babysitting still seem to be their preferred.

OP posts:

Littlechocola · 21/09/2018 08:51

I don’t understand the climbing frame thing?

Just say no.

Branleuse · 21/09/2018 08:54

just tell them look, i think youve got the wrong end of the stick, I dont mind babysitting on an occasional basis or emergency if im feeling up to it, but im not commiting to anything regular. Ive got a lot on with uni and I am keeping my commitments as low as possible

someonekillbabyshark · 21/09/2018 08:55

God why do people assume just because your family and not at work that you CAN have there child ? No sorry I'm busy and disabled fu** of ? I'd tell your husband to sort it out, it is his family !

FullOfJellyBeans · 21/09/2018 08:56

I'm really confused. They want you to provide childcare for their older child and this new one? Why are they assuming this will be fine?

JustJoinedRightNow · 21/09/2018 08:59

Why are your in laws telling you that your DD will get minded by SIL and then you in turn have to mind your SIL’s kids?

They should be having no say over what you do with your DD OP. If it comes out that you need the help and they’re balancing it out by making you mind the other kids, just say no you don’t need the help thanks. You’ll manage on your own.

NonaGrey · 21/09/2018 09:00

Say “No and I’m not going to change my mind”

And then get your DH to say “No I’m not going to my family to take advantage of my disabled wife”

It’s pretty simple - you just have to say it.

They won’t like it of course but too bad.

Juells · 21/09/2018 09:00

HRTFT because my brain exploded - yet again - at a thread in MN where the OP is being bullied to do something she doesn't want, and can't just say NO. What happens in girls' childhoods that crushes them so much that they don't think they have the right to say No? I get really really upset at how people are walked over by CFs. 😡

"NO! I can't babysit your baby, it's difficult enough for me to manage my own child."

chocatoo · 21/09/2018 09:06

I agree with “No and I’m not going to change my mind”

Tell them that anything other than absolute emergency is out of the question...

FullMetalRabbit · 21/09/2018 09:06

but the alternate babysitting still seem to be their preferred

but that's their "wants" - they don't get to dictate to another adult what they want!

You're going to have to say "no" OP - it's not easy, but the more you do each time becomes a little easier

SnuggyBuggy · 21/09/2018 09:11

Wouldn't the baby be too young for that for a while anyway? Just say no, if your DH wants to he can volunteer.

KingLooieCatz · 21/09/2018 09:17

What is more, even if you didn't have a disability, it's your life and your choice and you choose not to do so.

You weren't put on this earth to make life easier for other people.

I'm only just beginning to realise how much I end up doing to make life easier for other people and avoid even the mildest confrontation. We're going to have to practice saying no!

Juells · 21/09/2018 09:17

if your DH wants to he can volunteer.

That's the thin edge of the wedge.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/09/2018 09:20

True, you wouldn't want him to abandon his own responsibilities. Just bugs me that it's seen as the OPs job because she is a woman.

CoraPirbright · 21/09/2018 09:26

There is no ‘dilemma’ as per your title!! Your MIL and SIL are fucking rude to just assume that you will fall in with their plans. Even if you didn’t have your disability and spent your days reclining on a sofa being fed peeled grapes, they have no right and no bloody business to dictate how you spend your time. Are they usually horrible bullies? If you cant say no, get your dh to!!

ApolloandDaphne · 21/09/2018 09:55

As i understand your SIL and MIL have decided that when SILs second arrives you will take it in turns to have all three children so the other can get a bit of free time? However you are not physically able to look after three children and sometimes even struggle with your own DD. You have said that they can pop round to visit so the DC can play in your garden (do they not have a garden?) but they have to stay.

Basically you are happy for the DC to visit with another adult but you are not looking after them yourself? Seems reasonable and you just have to say no to any other babysitting.

DarlingNikita · 21/09/2018 09:57

Tell them again 'No, I'm not babysitting.' If they laugh. ask what they're laughing at. Keep a serious face.

What is your DH doing in all this? Because it's really up to him to tell his mum and sister to lay the fuck off you.

Holidayshopping · 21/09/2018 09:58

What?

Why haven’t you said ‘no, I’m not doing that’?!

There is no dilemma-they can’t make you anything.

LagunaBubbles · 21/09/2018 09:59

Wheres the dilemma? You dont want to do it so dont.

JensenElephant · 21/09/2018 10:01

Do they want you to care for the children during the birth? Confused by babysitting.

Havaina · 21/09/2018 10:05

What happens in girls' childhoods that crushes them so much that they don't think they have the right to say No? I get really really upset at how people are walked over by CFs. 😡

This ^^

crimsonlake · 21/09/2018 10:07

Another confused one here, what has a climbing frame got to do with any of this? What they are proposing does not work for you, say no and be clear and firm. You are creating the problem here by trying to negotiate when you should be saying no.

Seaweed42 · 21/09/2018 10:12

Was this a passing remark one of them made, and it has really triggered you? Sounds like you are jumping into the future and getting annoyed about something that hasn't happened yet.
There's no contract they are making you sign is there.
Just keep saying 'well, we'll see how everyone is fixed when the time comes'.
I can't see a new baby using a climbing frame till it's at least aged 4. She'll hardly be leaving a new born with you will she?
When the time comes, no one might ask you to babysit that much anyone.
It sounds like you are really annoyed, but find it hard to express your true feelings in any situation.

trulybadlydeeply · 21/09/2018 10:17

I'm also unsure of the issue here - are you supposed to be helping out when the new baby arrives, or are you supposed to be helping out when she goes back to work?

Either way, it's a huge presumption on their part, and just tell them that it won't be possible. You have a young DD, you are in the last year of uni, and you have a disability to manage. Not that you need excuses, or to justify your decision in any way.

What does your DH say about this? Helping out his family is not your problem (unless you chose to) and they cannot dictate what you do. The SIL & partner have chosen to have children, they need to make appropriate arrangements for care should they wish to have a break, or whilst they are at work, just like the rest of us have to.

EK36 · 21/09/2018 10:18

We only live once OP and time is too short to go things we don't want to do. Tell them the truth, you're struggling due to your disability so cannot childmind on a regular basis. Emergencies are okay.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/09/2018 10:30

Don’t leave the door open for emergencies, or they’ll be happening all over the shop!
MIL is already available, and of course in a genuine emergency you’d offer your help like any other decent human being, but for now they need a clear firm no.

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