Babysitting dilema

[Toomanysprogz]

So SIL and MIL have today assumed I will be babysitting on alternate shifts with SIL when their second baby arrives.
Problem being since have my DD I have unfortunately become disabled so looking after one is tough enough. To put it into perspective we were also hoping to have a second ourselves but with the disability would not be possible.
I wouldn’t mind doing emergency babysitting if and when required as long as it’s not a regular thing. But looking after 3 small ones would be near impossible physically and mentally for me.
There are some other bits I could go into about this whole situation too but I shall hold off for now unless needed as you never know whose on Mumsnet!
How could I head this off so it doesn’t become a problem later on?
I did suggest setting up a climbing frame in our garden so parents in my DH’s family could come round, let the kids play and relax at our house instead but the alternate babysitting still seem to be their preferred.

It is an invisible disability so yes people don’t always get it.
Currently MIL looks after DD 1 night a week due to the disability. This was up until recently 2 nights but we have moved to a bungalow so am now able to get around a lot more.
My DH is very non-confrontational but I did tell him about parts where SIL and MIL have excluded me which is particularly why I was concerned about their ‘arrangements ‘
He said he will talk to them about that.
I don’t think I’ve ever been called a pushover in my life! I do agree when it comes to SIL and MIL I can be. I’ve butted heads with MIL a few times in the past and it makes my DH very unhappy so I try and avoid it where possible. I do agree I should go in with a hard no when brought up again though.
I’m also a bit concerned that MIL may get dumped with SILs kids when she and BIL return to work, which is probably why she was so persistent with this as she is probably not nimble enough for all that.
When DD starts nursery I’m hoping to only send her to MILs when requested by MIL.
If anyone tries to abandon their kid on the climbing frame me and DD will 100% be racing to the door to beat them out!

I’m confused as you sound like a total pushover for thinking this is a dilemma!

You have one child now which you struggle with and your in laws have over night. Why would you suddenly be looking after two more children? Have they actually asked you to? If they have, I presume you have said no. If they haven’t, what have they said that makes you think they will ask you? Can you be more specific?

Not your circus, not your monkeys. No dilemma.

To be honest whether MIL gets landed with SIL’s kids or not is completely MIL & SIL’s issue.

I’d not give it a second thought. Just ensure you’ve covered your back.
No, I’m not well, I will not be babysitting your children and I do not need you to take my child.

I wouldn’t even be nice about it because it ‘stresses’ your DH, his stress translates to your struggling with three kids. You’re not well enough to babysit three dc & it would not be practical or safe for anyone involved for you to be landed with regular babysitting of so many children.

Why doesn’t your SIL pay for childcare like everyone else has to?! If your MIL chooses to do it, that’s her lookout but it’s not your problem.

Ah god that would be brilliant but if I was able to manage more kids I’d be having another myself.

It’s sad but hey ho.

"I’ve butted heads with MIL a few times in the past and it makes my DH very unhappy so I try and avoid it where possible."

Why should you be the one avoiding it & not her??

Of course not doing what she wants isn't "butting heads" so presumably your husband is OK with you saying that you can't do this?

Do you feel obliged to IL because she has your daughter overnight?

If so don't-it's also to help her son, isn't it?

My DH did also get a bit offended that they didn’t bother asking him but instead asked the woman. We’re very 50/50 in our parenting and he is an amazing hands on Dad.
They didn’t ask, they told me it would be happening whilst I was also trying to stop DD eating crisps off the floor in a coffee shop.
I would say on past experience they’re not very good as understanding no until DH says it... very frustrating. He will probably only argue if they’re physically on their way to drop both kids off.
My MIL is a fantastic woman most of the time just not brilliant with the word no. Normally does end up with a big argument when she actually tries to do whatever it is.
I will persist saying no and perhaps with more outrage when it’s brought up again. Then at least when it comes to it, they can’t say I ever agreed!

You have to spell it out to them that you won't be doing it.

I will persist saying no

Can you be more specific? What exactly did they TELL you in the cafe? How did you say no? What did they say?

They didn’t ask, they told me it would be happening

They're a pair of rude twats.

Tell them back –'No, I will not be babysitting for you. You'll find the door locked and no one at home to visitors if you try bringing them round.'

What exactly do they want you to do then? I still don’t get what they’re actually asking you. When you say alternate shifts is this some kind of 3 way thing so MIL has all 3 and then you do and then your SiL does so, once every 3 weeks you have them but then you have 2 weeks with free childcare?

Has this come around because MIL is having your DD twice a week overnight and she feels this is not fair to SiL / her other grandchildren?

MIL said “you’ll be able to babysit each other’s kids so you can have some more time” SIL “yeah that sounds great, when I drop them off at yours you’ll have 3 though haha”
Me “no, I struggle enough with DD as it is”
MIL “haha that will be great”
Me “ Maybe once we’ve got the garden sorted next summer everyone can come over and use the climbing frame whilst the adults are inside the house instead”
Queue DD crisp incident so I didn’t hear what they said next.
They hang around a lot together without me too which is another reason I think this has popped up, so they can continue to do so. I’ve been trying to arrange to see other people more as a result.
I barely know SIL tbh! She doesn’t seem to ever make an effort to meet up even when I ask, so this blindsighted me a bit. I’ve never met her other kid so 100% was not expecting to be asked to look after them! I expect it would be an alternate weekend type thing.

So they haven’t actually asked you then? It’s just a hypothetical chat?

Sounds just like banter to me. Just keep saying, ‘I don’t think so!’ and I’m sure you’ll be quite safe!

I’m sorry, you’ve never met our SIL’s child? Your DH’s niece or nephew, who lives close enough to you that there is talk of babysitting? That’s the oddest thing about this thread tbh.

Sounds like just some jokey chat , no?

Hypothetical, banter, joking around - and your sil even acknowledged that it would be a bit much as you’d have all 3...?!

Think you’re reading too much into it tbh

Oh come off it . You barely know your SIL and you’ve never even met your three year old niece/nephew?
Either they were joking or you are

something smells fishy!

Nephew is from a previous relationship and doesn’t currently live in this country. I’m fairly certain he’s not met any of DH’s family yet.
This is not the first time something has been ‘suggested’ in this way and been taken as an agreement.
But I do have an answer to my original query to insist no and lock the doors if they try anything!

Trouble with cf's like this is that they seem to be assuming you will be going along with it, and theres always the chance that they know deep down that you dont want to & cant do it and simply don't care, therefore theres the danger they wont bring it up again and will just turn up on your doorstep with the kids thinking that you wont refuse them once they're there, or even worse get the kids to knock on the door and as soon as you open the door they drive off!

Might be a good idea to chat to dh & both of you together tell them that it simply wont be happening, hopefully if they see you and dh ate a united front they will back down & at least that way dh will be a witness to whats said so they cant claim that they thought you had agreed

Good luck

"They want"

Ummm tough fucking shit what 'They want'. I'd laugh myself silly and take the whole thing as a joke. When they say they aren't joking I'd tell them that it is NOT happening. Also don't say they can come and use the climbing frame. They will then there will be errands they have to run and you'll end up with the kids whilst they nip out.