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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Grandparents not bothered about seeing grandchildren at Xmas

64 replies

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 14:43

Every year, my parents (who are separated), make it seem like they aren't that bothered about us coming over for Christmas. We have two small children (their grandchildren!).

Both of mine and DH's parents live quite far away from us. We see them once every 2 or 3 months. We alternate Christmas between the families (as they live far apart). This year it was my family's turn.

So, true to form, both my parents are not fussed about inviting us. My Dad and partner have told me he can't accommodate us because he will have my Gran and his brother round. My Mum has not made up her mind because they are having her partners parents over, and his son.....oh.....but she might want us round so that we can use their spare room, because she does not want her step-son to sleep over (long story). So basically, she may want us over to fill a bed, not because she actually wants to see us. She has his family over every year.

Last year my Mum announced that she was going away for the whole xmas period to stay in a Premier Inn in a random UK town.

I've tried to inviting them to our house in previous years but they never take up the offer.

My Dad finds xmas stressful, but I feel like my Mum has to act as if she's really not that fussed about seeing us every year. WHY??

I've told her politely to make up her mind, or we will change our plans and go and see my DHs family again this year. She will probably still invite us, but it's as if she has to make it clear it's not convenient or she's not bothered.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 20/09/2018 14:45

I would stay home and enjoy the lack of travel.

Nesssie · 20/09/2018 14:46

If they aren't fussed then I wouldn't go. Christmas is a big hassle that they may not want. Don't put yourself out, go to the family that actually want you. Or stay at home and have a chilled Christmas this year?

DaenerysismyQueen · 20/09/2018 14:47

I agree. Stay home and have a lovely Christmas on your own. You have to start making your own traditions at some point.

Clearthinking · 20/09/2018 14:48

Second that. Stay at home! Every year we have this same old plan. Pop see my mum, go see his family, take child. So exhausting for us. Leave the house at 11 to spend a few hours with each get back at 7 or 8. Forgot what it's like spending the day in our house at Xmas. If I were you I would seriously think about staying at home.

LostInShoebiz · 20/09/2018 14:48

She's probably trying to make it easy for you to say no if that's what you prefer. MN is full of people who feel obliged to make long journeys with small children at Christmas because they feel pressured to see family. It's nice to feel wanted but it's also nice that she doesn't put pressure on you.

CatboySpeed · 20/09/2018 14:48

Just stay at home. Why bother, really? We’ve had Christmas as a little family before and it was really lovely. I would stop stressing and do what you want to do. Stop dancing to their tune.

redshoeblueshoe · 20/09/2018 14:49

I agree with D. Do exactly what you want. You can sit in your PJs all day, or dress up. You can eat what you want, when you want sounds good to me

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 14:49

Just to clarify, we usually open the presents at our house on the morning and then travel over to a parent's house, where we would usually stay over.

OP posts:
Pooleschoolschoice · 20/09/2018 14:50

Werestaying home this year and really looking forwards to it! Parent types can come if they wish but we're staying put.

Yes i envy those who get invited back for glorious Christmas meals etc but I cant manufacture that!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/09/2018 14:51

Stay home - it will change your life! I never go to parents at Christmas now, if they can't be arsed neither can I. We have a lovely time at home.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/09/2018 14:51

Enjoy an at home Christmas

Haberpop · 20/09/2018 14:51

I don't see why it is a problem?

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 20/09/2018 14:51

Just stay at home! We've done this 3yrs in a row now and it's so much nicer than traipsing all over the place to see relatives. "Ooh what lovely presents DD, I bet you can't wait to play with those! Ok put them down now, we have to go out and see grandma." Nightmare! Staying home is so much better. We don't even have to get dressed :o

Redglitter · 20/09/2018 14:52

Jings this is the opposite to every other Christmas thread. Usually People are trying to get out of seeing ILs.

You've made the offer. Let them get on with it & enjoy a nice stress free day with just your family

Merryoldgoat · 20/09/2018 14:53

Just don’t go - stay home and enjoy your family.

I go to my DH’s family every year or we host them. Much nicer than seeing my family.

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 14:53

I actually would like to see them though. I just think it's really disappointing.

However, with my Mum I think it's probably manipulative behaviour, so we should just make other plans.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 20/09/2018 14:53

What is your AIBU in all this Confused? Surely you can just stay at home and if you want to arrange a low key visit to see your mother some other time. To be perfectly blunt after years of family Christmasses the idea of staying in a random Premier Inn somewhere, where no one needs me or has any expectations sounds incredibly appealing. Not everyone wants to be surrounded by over excited children at Christmas, I really miss the 'grown up' Christmas celebrations I enjoyed before having a family.

Enjoy your time to yourselves without the stress of travelling and no guilt from your DPs - win win surely Smile.

Pebblesandfriends · 20/09/2018 14:55

Why don't you just have your own nuclear family Christmas? Start time our own traditions and enjoy the freedom.

Piffle11 · 20/09/2018 14:56

Why not just do what you and DH want? Make your minds up between you and stick to the plan. Our parents seem pretty disinterested in their DGC too: last Christmas was a disaster where Grandparents were concerned! We've decided that from now on we will do what we want. My DParents have already told my DSis that from now on they'll be spending Christmas at theirs, on their own … which is music to my ears.

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 14:58

Ragwort - There probably isn't an AIBU. I didn't know where else to post.....It's probably an Are They Being Unreasonable!

I must be unusual then, to want to spend Christmas with my extended family! I like it!

OP posts:
Hillarious · 20/09/2018 14:59

I love seeing my extended family at Christmas. I also enjoy having Christmas on our own at home. Stay at home this year!

TwitterQueen1 · 20/09/2018 15:01

You won't like me for saying this OP and maybe I'm being harsh but your post reads like you believe your family's presence is a gift that both sets of parents are just not appreciating! Your post reads like you're doing them a huge favour and they're not responding with appropriate cries of gratitude...

Why do you think your DM being manipulative? Why is this so disappointing/unreasonable? As others have said, sink into a blissful Christmas at home and see them another time. Xmas Grin

pumkinspicetime · 20/09/2018 15:05

Just stay at home OP, enjoy your own Xmas and invite them if they would like to come. It doesn't sound as though your family are as into Xmas as you are, which is fine. Maybe they find DC rather overwhelming or they like a different type of Xmas to you.

thecatsthecats · 20/09/2018 15:05

If my parents wanted us at Christmas, I never knew it.

I get that you want to see your parents at Christmas - to me, MY family Christmas is the one and only magical one. But when I have kids I will break that, and have it at home with my family.

Grandparents can visit if they like, but the baton of family Christmas hosting will move on. It's not fair to my own future kids to deny them my actual preference as a child - to stay put with a family day.

After all, Christmas is a season not a day, and vying for the ACTUAL day causes all sorts of grief.

(It's a wrench just writing it! My parents live in a beautiful old house in the lakes and it just IS Christmas! Fiance's family Christmas is tacky in my eyes.)

MVLipwig · 20/09/2018 15:11

Sounds like you just can’t be bothered to cook and sort out Christmas yourself to me. It all be lovely as a small family Christmas, the kids will love it. You have to remember your parents are under no obligation to make your Christmas perfect anymore, they did that for years when you were a chilf