Grandparents not bothered about seeing grandchildren at Xmas

[LucyLoooo]

Every year, my parents (who are separated), make it seem like they aren't that bothered about us coming over for Christmas. We have two small children (their grandchildren!).

Both of mine and DH's parents live quite far away from us. We see them once every 2 or 3 months. We alternate Christmas between the families (as they live far apart). This year it was my family's turn.

So, true to form, both my parents are not fussed about inviting us. My Dad and partner have told me he can't accommodate us because he will have my Gran and his brother round. My Mum has not made up her mind because they are having her partners parents over, and his son.....oh.....but she might want us round so that we can use their spare room, because she does not want her step-son to sleep over (long story). So basically, she may want us over to fill a bed, not because she actually wants to see us. She has his family over every year.

Last year my Mum announced that she was going away for the whole xmas period to stay in a Premier Inn in a random UK town.

I've tried to inviting them to our house in previous years but they never take up the offer.

My Dad finds xmas stressful, but I feel like my Mum has to act as if she's really not that fussed about seeing us every year. WHY??

I've told her politely to make up her mind, or we will change our plans and go and see my DHs family again this year. She will probably still invite us, but it's as if she has to make it clear it's not convenient or she's not bothered.

Go to your in-laws! You want a big family Christmas, they want you there and your DM doesn’t for whatever reason. She can’t expect to keep you hanging on. She is manipulating you, you are correct.

I have stayed at home with DH and my children for the last few years and can't work out why we didn't do it sooner. Cooking a glorified roast is far easy than travelling to other people's houses. I can't work out why my mother always made such a song and dance about cooking at Christmas time.

Best to take the hint OP and spend christmas at home.
It sounds like your parents would prefer fleeting visits rather than overnight stays.
Not everyone enjoys spending christmas with young children.

As everyone else says, just have a lovely Christmas in your own home.

If you don’t like it being just the 4 of you, ask other friends to join you.

Why are you pushing this? I think If they want to do as they please then let them get onto it. You have your own family so I'm not sure why it's not enough to spend it at home just with them?

From a different perspective........our son and DiL alternate between her family and us every year and have done for many years. When they come to us, they stay over for a couple of days.

For a while, I’ve wondered whether they might like to have Christmas on their own because they never have. I remember regularly going to my in laws and heaving a sigh of relief when we got home. Especially now the children are older and there isn’t the manic early morning Christmas Day present opening thing.

Both your Parents have told you clearly who they prioritise at Christmas.. they have consistently placed other family and friends over their Child and Grandchildren..

Sod them.. enjoy your own Family on your own home this Christmas and stop pandering to them.. when they clearly don't give a hoot about you and yours Lady.. enjoy your Christmas with those who matter around you

I think your mum is very unreasonable to only want you there to occupy a bedroom to stop stepson staying there, and also to not be straightforward with you, instead of which she’s messing you around. It’s insulting.

Take control and let her know that you and your family will not be coming for Christmas, and that you’ll see them another time. She might actually be more amenable to that.

I have a feeling that if I told her we were going to stay at home or (even worse) go to my MIL for Christmas she would be very disappointed and probably twist it to make it sound as if she did agree to us coming round, and now we have changed our minds...

I think she just enjoys making me feel like we don't matter. That's my hunch.

My Mum has gone to my sisters every single year for the last 5 years. To be fair We live a fairly long way from them (250 miles).
She hasn't once asked us what we're doing or whether we'd like to stay with them and has declined every invite I've made. I have 3 DC.
Her reasoning is that my sister needs her help with cooking Christmas dinner more than I do 🧐
I actually don't mind and prefer Christmas at home with My DH and DC but it is a little bit hurtful - story of my life though. I get it OP, it's a bit upsetting no matter how old you are. But console yourself by surrounding yourself with your own little family and have a lovely relaxed day at home.

I think, as smaller nuclear families have become the norm and standards for childcare have increased and as society has become more individualistic, having children around has become more exhausting and something people are more prepared to say "no" to.

When you have big families coming together there is more work, but there are also more hands to share the load. The children, to a large extent, look after/entertain themselves and when they do need adults there are more around. When you have smaller families - the grandparent (or the parents!) often have greater expectations put on them. Children are less likely to be encouraged to burn off energy outside on their own. They want Granny's/Grandad's attention 1-1 more, make more noise indoors and need more thoughtful activities made available to them, often with supervision.

It seems to me it's a very different experience from when I used to go to my grandparents' house for a big family gathering. So I'm not surprised grandparents are less keen. I also think there were probably a lot of grandparents in the past who weren't that keen but it was what had to happen and they were used to putting on a good face and doing what they were supposed to rather than what they want - our society doesn't value that as much nowadays.

Lucyloooo, if your mum decides to play the victim and twist what you’ve said, make sure you have told anyone who’s opinion matters that you decided to stay at home for Christmas because your mum already has guests staying then, and has been indecisive about whether you can stay or not. So if she starts making it out to be all your fault it won’t wash, you can say to her that she didn’t seem very enthusiastic and what is wrong with seeing you all at another time? She could be faffing about until mid December. At least this way you can get on the Christmas topic and plan your Christmas from all the good ideas on there.

She doesn’t get to be disappointed if you choose to go to your PIL either, she had her chance.

I'm staying in a Premier Inn now. It's bloody lovely.

My adult daughter went to her partner's parents for Christmas last year and I missed her so much. I will always want all my 3 kids at my house at Christmas. I just don't understand people who have little to no interest in their grandchildren. My husband is Turkish and it would be unthinkable to not want to spend time with your grandchildren. In their culture family is everything.