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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents not bothered about seeing grandchildren at Xmas

64 replies

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 14:43

Every year, my parents (who are separated), make it seem like they aren't that bothered about us coming over for Christmas. We have two small children (their grandchildren!).

Both of mine and DH's parents live quite far away from us. We see them once every 2 or 3 months. We alternate Christmas between the families (as they live far apart). This year it was my family's turn.

So, true to form, both my parents are not fussed about inviting us. My Dad and partner have told me he can't accommodate us because he will have my Gran and his brother round. My Mum has not made up her mind because they are having her partners parents over, and his son.....oh.....but she might want us round so that we can use their spare room, because she does not want her step-son to sleep over (long story). So basically, she may want us over to fill a bed, not because she actually wants to see us. She has his family over every year.

Last year my Mum announced that she was going away for the whole xmas period to stay in a Premier Inn in a random UK town.

I've tried to inviting them to our house in previous years but they never take up the offer.

My Dad finds xmas stressful, but I feel like my Mum has to act as if she's really not that fussed about seeing us every year. WHY??

I've told her politely to make up her mind, or we will change our plans and go and see my DHs family again this year. She will probably still invite us, but it's as if she has to make it clear it's not convenient or she's not bothered.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 15:12

TwitterQueen - I think it's normal for grandparents to want to see their children and grandchildren. Surely? They don't get to see us much and often the 2-3 months thing could be just a fleeting visit - my Dad popping round our house for ten minutes to collect something (he's odd like that). I feel it's manipulative with my Mum, because she is like this throughout the year, not just at Christmas. She also has a manipulative personality at times.

Saying that, Christmas day with them is usually good fun when we go! I enjoy their company.

In contrast, my MIL adores having the children over, and would love us to come to theirs, but this year it was my parent's turn.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 15:14

MVLip - I have no problem having Xmas at mine. I will happily cook a big dinner. It feels more empty without my parents though. I'd be happy if they'd come to me - I said above I've offered that lots of years.

I am finding these responses a bit odd to be honest!

OP posts:

Fatted · 20/09/2018 15:15

Stay home!! Best thing we ever did was make the decision to stop traveling here there and every bloody where on Christmas. The kids can actually relax, open and play with their presents.

smallchanceofrain · 20/09/2018 15:16

Another vote for stay home. We used to alternate between DH's parents and mine. It was a hassle and no one really enjoyed it. My MIL would rather have a grown up Christmas with her sister and other adult relatives, I think she found it stressful to host us. My parents are getting on in years and like peace and quiet. We spend a few hours with them on boxing day. The children love being at home with their presents, we get dressed (or not) when we want, eat what we want when we want. We have our own family traditions now and I love it.

Original poster

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 15:18

When I was younger, everyone used to go to my Grans. There would be loads of us there - all the uncles and aunts and loads of children. It was really exciting to have us all around. A Christmas with my own family - just us - in contrast, feels a bit empty to me. I'm not used to that. I see Xmas as a time when the family all get together. That was always my Mum's experience too - because she was part of that huge family gathering.

OP posts:

Juells · 20/09/2018 15:19

Stay at home and have a lovely relaxed time. Travelling at Christmas is a horrible hassle, also staying in other people's houses when you can't watch what you want on TV, pig out, be in your pjs all day if you want.

Original poster

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 15:20

Perhaps I just enjoy different things to the people posting on here. I don't mind the travelling.

OP posts:

CalonGlas · 20/09/2018 15:22

My widowed dad is adamant that he neither wants us to drive up to see him, nor arrange for him to travel down to have Christmas with us this year. Neither does he want my sister to have him, and both of us have had to promise, if asked, to tell his own sister that he's with us, and not on his own. He's happy for me to send him a small hamper of cheese and port, and let him get on with it.

He's not Scrooge, and quite likes us (I think). He just doesn't fancy the stress of travelling along with everyone else in the country, enforced festivity, crap television, other people's family dramas, and turkey, just because it's December 25th. He'd rather spend the day on his own, drinking port and watching steam train videos. I suspect that I'll probably be of a similar mind, come Christmas Eve. Maybe not the steam trains

TwitterQueen1 · 20/09/2018 15:22

You've just illustrated my point OP, by graciously giving each set of parents their 'turn' with you... As others have said, small children are can be exhausting. Maybe they want an adult Christmas, not a child-centric one. Maybe they want to chill out and relax. Have you thought about going between Xmas & New Year instead? Have you invited them to you instead?

Ragwort · 20/09/2018 15:24

I think you are only finding the replies odd as 99% of threads about Christmas and families are because of expectations that grandparents assume they will be part of the celebrations and can't bear to be left out. Many mumsnetters would probably love to be in your position .

Juells · 20/09/2018 15:25

The older you get the less you can be arsed with a big Christmas hoohaa. Sounds like your parents have got to that stage and want to be left in peace.

Original poster

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 15:25

OK I will have to conclude that I ABU for being disappointed that my parent's don't want to see their grandkids at Christmas, and would rather spend it with other family members instead! Lol

Looks like we will be at home!

OP posts:

NatureIs · 20/09/2018 15:26

Do your own thing, start your own traditions, have the Christmas you want at your place. They might visit once you're doing your own thing a couple of years down the line. Prepare yourself that they might not want to though. Don't rely on others to make or break something you want to be special but they're seemly not bothered about.

SocialPiranha · 20/09/2018 15:27

Enjoy staying home just your small family unit. That’s what me and my 2 children are doing this year and my DD and I can’t wait! Dinner what time I decide, no catering for fussy eaters, no one being mortally offended if my youngest who has ASD decides to spend a large portion of the day in his room on his own, no passive aggressive comments from my mother when my dad phones me on Christmas Day.... heaven!

Why on earth visit people who make you feel unwelcome?!

beachysandy81 · 20/09/2018 15:28

I get where you are coming from, it's annoying your own family just don't seem bothered when your husband's obviously do. I don't get this relax at home stuff on Christmas Day that everyone is suggesting, surely that just makes it the same as any other weekend that you have no plans on. Saying that you have done all you can, I would probably just have Christmas with my husband's family again if I were you.

We always have Christmas with one set of parents, usually alternately, either at ours or theirs.

ifonly4 · 20/09/2018 15:30

Although, I'm sure they really care, it might be they've got their own lives and want to make other plans. Also, as much as they are their grandchildren, they might find it harder to relax with lots of things revolving around the children.

Seriously, I'd stay at home in your own home and have Christmas your way. In 23 years we've had two Christmases at parents and the rest of the time them with us - and to be honest I've love a Christmas where I haven't got to worry about getting in extra foods to cater for different tastes. Also, we've always wanted to go for a walk and play games, but most of the time parents don't want to join in.

TeddybearBaby · 20/09/2018 15:33

I’m the same as you! Big family celebrations for us. All very fun and exciting. I’d find it boring just to stay in, us 4. Me and DH are used to big families and we like spending time together.

Ask your mum outright about it. I defo would! Can even be a joke ‘I feel like you can take us or leave us mum. Feels good!’

NatureIs · 20/09/2018 15:34

It's not that YABU in wanting/wishing/hoping for that but YABU in not accepting they don't.

SupremeDreamz · 20/09/2018 15:36

Why not go to your MIL's, if it's your parents turn and they aren't seeming that bothered and she wants you there?

Gilly12345 · 20/09/2018 15:39

I see where you are coming from as you want to spend time with your extended family but I think as our parents are getting older they want Xmas to be easier for themselves in particular the extra work and expense in being the hosts, perhaps you should start your own traditions and have Xmas in your own house, maybe see them earlier in December but if you are making the effort and they are not meeting you half way then just get on with it on your terms.

abigailsnan · 20/09/2018 15:40

Start to make your own family memories and traditions by staying at home tell your family they are welcome to join you if they want to share the celebrations.

Dogstar78 · 20/09/2018 15:40

My parents go on holiday every Christmas. I can't blame them, I hate Christmas. It is exhausting making it all happen and after 50 years of doing it for other people my mum deserves a break and to enjoy their Christmas how they want to spend it. My son's birthday is straight after Christmas and they like to make a big deal of that instead. They facetime and see him open presents but he is with his Dad alternate years anyway. My partner and I are are both childless this Christmas if I could leave the country and come back when it is all over that would be great!

RyderWhiteSwan · 20/09/2018 15:40

I fucking loathe Christmas. I did my bit when DC were chidren but now they are adults they accept this and do their own thing, visiting partner's parents or staying home with nice food and booze.

We are close though and see each other throughout the year.

ShalomJackie · 20/09/2018 15:42

Maybe they would like you to invite them to yours instead? Do they do all the work? Pay for everything? Do you expect them to run around after you? Do you ensure that your kids don't trash their stuff and house?

Just wondered.

Angelil · 20/09/2018 15:42

Were they like this before you had kids?

I ask because my husband's family are similar. They and we have always lived many hours' drive apart since he and I began to live together 10 years ago. The onus has always been on us (and indeed on their daughter, who lives much closer) to go and see them. Indeed when they moved house they still have kept a room for us and a room for my SIL. We have traditionally got there maybe 2-3 times a year as it is such a long way (both of us Easter weekend and Christmas; husband only in the summer as I can't handle the heat there). Now we have moved even further away and it's barely worth it to travel for the Easter weekend. But they NEVER come to us. They came for our wedding...so just the once in 10 years.

Now that I am due their first grandchild, I asked my husband when they might want to come to visit. Bearing in mind the baby is due at the end of October, I wasn't expecting the answer of "oh, probably in March!" I had thought that things might change with the arrival of grandchildren but it appears not (they might always change their minds of course!). They just don't like to travel.

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