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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry because ExH just had a baby with another woman?

61 replies

overwornout · 20/09/2018 11:42

Any one left an abusive marriage? X doesn't pay child support?

2yrs down the line, depressed, workaholic just to provide and make sure DD has everything that a child needs. X has moved on , fathered a baby with another woman, still doesn't pay child support yet DD loves him and wants to see him every other weekend. I want to stop contact and move on with my life. But I'm so scared and lonely. The abuse I have been through has turned me to a bruised woman who trusts no man. I am all alone and I'm tired of everything. 88% of the time I want to up but I can't.
Was diagnosed with depression but we all know it takes a century to get a therapist., neither can I afford one. Who else has moved on and how did you do it?

OP posts:
cactusplant · 20/09/2018 11:44

You can't stop contact because he has had another child Shock
Go through CMS and focus on making things nice for your daughter in the meantime

cestlavielife · 20/09/2018 11:47

Get therapy. Gp can refer to the counselllorr 6 free sessions. Best thing .

Remember that dd only knows one father and her relationship.with him is separate
.
Anger is energy mis spent...spend the energy on you.

Hideandgo · 20/09/2018 11:47

You are not unreasonable to feel angry at life and what you’ve been left dealing with. It’s not your fault.

Any idea what’ll could help you feel happier? Or how you could extract yourself from his continuing hold over your emotional well-being?

Petalflowers · 20/09/2018 11:50

Can you see your Gp for some antidepressants?

Are you feeling down because ex has seemingly moved on?

Unfortunately, if DD still wants to see him, you need to carry on facilitating this contact.

PinkHeart5914 · 20/09/2018 11:55

You can’t stop contact based on anything you’ve written here! Besides your dd loves him and her feelings should always be the priority. unfortunately like it or not you had sex with him and his your child’s father.

One of you were going to move on, meet someone & possibly have a baby get married at some point in the future. That’s what happens when a relationship ends

You have a beautiful dd so you are far from alone 😃
Contact the child maintenance people
Speak the GP again & check where you are on the waiting list for therapy at least

BloodyDisgrace · 20/09/2018 11:59

I am only sifting out this in the original post: were you married, and have a property/money which has to be divided? Because if you are married (you say "abusive marriage", rather than abusive relationship) and it goes to court, then the new baby with a new woman will be taken into account and might strip you and your child off some wealth. Maybe speak to a solicitor.

if you weren't married, then I don't know what happens. From my experience (not an abusive marriage) I know that things get better, but with time, and taking antidepressants definitely helped. Can't offer any advice on contact with the father though. Good luck.

BloodyDisgrace · 20/09/2018 12:02

Anger is energy mis spent...spend the energy on you

I personally found that anger helps to get over. It burns the pain out quicker simply because being angry for a prolonged time is exhausting and soon you'll stop caring about the end of relationship. When the pain stops, only then you can move on.

cestlavielife · 20/09/2018 12:14

This why a good therapist can help you as individual look at your responses and move forward.
Maybe getting out anger is good ..punch that pillow .Maybe it's too consuming....stopping you

Twotailed · 20/09/2018 12:16

Why doesn’t he pay child support? Have you been through CMS?

YANBU to feel angry and upset. I think you know you can’t stop contact but I understand why you feel the way you do.

Focus on getting him to pay his share, and try not to think of him otherwise - imagine he’s a cardboard cut out, totally uninteresting. Your own life and happiness are not tied to him now.

I wish you all the best Flowers

flamingofridays · 20/09/2018 12:18

you cant stop contact when you have said yourself your dd loves him and wants to see him.

Have you been to the cms about maintenance?

definitely look into therapy.

moredoll · 20/09/2018 12:25

Agree with pps. Go through the CMS and get child support. He has a duty to contribute to his child's upbringing, and it would take some of the financial pressure off you. Regular exercise will help depression. Be kind to yourself.Flowers

Yabbers · 20/09/2018 12:26

Just asking but, surely if the marriage was abusive then trying to stop contact is maybe a good idea? I wouldn’t want an abusive ex seeing my DD

Musereader · 20/09/2018 12:40

I know what you mean, I had some anger that my abusive ex had got someone else pregnant, but I just mostly tried to block thoughts of him out, he was nothing to do with me any more, what he is doing is up to him and she (new girlfriend) needed to protect herself from him I couldn't protect her. When he showed up for contact I was just polite and talked about generic things, weather tv child etc.

He's gone you think about you. Anger against him is like poisoning yourself and expecting him to hurt just make like Elsa and let it go

VanGoghsDog · 20/09/2018 12:52

@cestlavielife

Get therapy. Gp can refer to the counselllorr 6 free sessions. Best thing

18m wait fir any therapy in my region. I managed to get CBT online and even that has a 3m wait.

Worth seeing the GP anyway though, to get on the list, or maybe self-refer though you health authority.

BrendasUmbrella · 20/09/2018 12:55

Do not stop contact. I'm sure you're just venting, you know you can't do that to your dd.

Have you fully explored all avenues for support? And recently? Check on that. If by any chance you haven't formally applied for support yet, focus your energies there.

Juells · 20/09/2018 12:55

Honestly I don't see why women are always expected to accept that their MH has to suffer so they can be the bigger person and do everything by the book. Is the OP's well-being not important? My ex wasn't abusive, but if he had been I wouldn't have wanted my children in contact with him.

What good is it going to do the OP's DD if the OP sinks into depression? Having her DD in contact with her ex is keeping the whole abusive relationship alive for the OP.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 20/09/2018 12:55

I hear you, OP.

It's tough. Have you contacted a local DA agency? That can be a way in to counselling and support. There can be a long wait for 1:1 counselling, but not always. And there are groups.

You say your child loves her DF. That's actually a good thing for the child, and you would be generally frowned upon for stopping contact, and it would go against you if ex went to the court.

I assume that you have minimised your contact with your ex at handover? That is completely acceptable.

FWIW, my advice would be to keep contact for your child, and find other sources of help for yourself.

flamingofridays · 20/09/2018 13:00

Is the OP's well-being not important? My ex wasn't abusive, but if he had been I wouldn't have wanted my children in contact with him

of course OP's wellbeing is important, however, in my opinion the fact that her daughter loves and wants a relationship with her dad is more important and I couldn't stop that because of my own feelings about him.

BrendasUmbrella · 20/09/2018 13:01

What good is it going to do the OP's DD if the OP sinks into depression? Having her DD in contact with her ex is keeping the whole abusive relationship alive for the OP.

Then perhaps she could look into asking a family member or friend to do the drop-offs. But It is a huge thing to cut a child off from a parent when it is not what they want. And if he does consistently see his dd eow, there's a chance he'll take her to court and get it formalized anyway.

Juells · 20/09/2018 13:03

He's abusive. Abusive people don't miraculously become less abusive just because they're an ex. Why expose a little girl to that? She doesn't understand what abusive is, she relies on adults to protect her.

flamingofridays · 20/09/2018 13:05

sorry but we know he was abusive against op, he may not be (and hopefully he's not!) abusive towards his daughter.

Plus, if op stops contact over this, he can take her to court and he would get access anyway. I can only imagine this would make op feel worse.

RomanyRoots · 20/09/2018 13:05

keep that anger whilst you apply for maintenance, he should be paying for his dd.

BrendasUmbrella · 20/09/2018 13:06

We can only go by her own words. DD loves him and wants to see him every other weekend.

Often when women start this kind of thread they talk about their children being distressed to see their fathers, or frightened. Not wanting it in some way. This girl loves her father and wants to see him. Whatever the relationship between the parents, it would be cruel to deny her a relationship with a parent she loves to see.

BrendasUmbrella · 20/09/2018 13:10

I suppose there is a chance the OP was just making a kneejerk statement, like when women parrot "He's a great Dad" and then we find out he really isn't.

If she comes back, maybe she could tell us if she thinks he's a good father to his child. But if there are no problems between child and parent, a court will enforce his contact if he chooses to pursue that. I think she's better off looking at counselling, looking at how to manage the drop-offs (could he wait in the car?) and pursuing maintenance if she hasn't.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 20/09/2018 13:10

There is a big drive in the courts that even if a father has been abusive to a mother, the child should maintain a "good" relationship with each. I don't want to get into my own situation, but if there is any chance that the OP's ex will go to court and claim parental alienation, then she could lose primary residence.

Believe me, I understand the issues with an abusive ex, but you simply aren't allowed to cut off the child from the other parent. Even if the child doesn't want to go (unless deemed old enough to decide by the court). Can someone else help with handovers? How old is your child? Can you drive them to the other home and watch them go in from the safety of the car?

And yes, go to the CMS.