To be angry because ExH just had a baby with another woman?

[overwornout]

Any one left an abusive marriage? X doesn't pay child support?

2yrs down the line, depressed, workaholic just to provide and make sure DD has everything that a child needs. X has moved on , fathered a baby with another woman, still doesn't pay child support yet DD loves him and wants to see him every other weekend. I want to stop contact and move on with my life. But I'm so scared and lonely. The abuse I have been through has turned me to a bruised woman who trusts no man. I am all alone and I'm tired of everything. 88% of the time I want to up but I can't.
Was diagnosed with depression but we all know it takes a century to get a therapist., neither can I afford one. Who else has moved on and how did you do it?

I know it’s hard but you need to let go of the anger you have towards him, yes he was a c*nt to you but he is no longer living with you or abusing you? You dd has to be your focus and if she wants contact and enjoys time with her dad you can’t take that away from her.

My ex has moved on with someone else, I don’t feel angry, I feel relieved that he’s now longer being emotionally abusive towards me. My dd’s See him every week and despite him being a rubbish dad they love him and I don’t say anything to them to make them feel differently. Just think yourself lucky that he’s no longer your problem and move on with your life, why let him continue to effect your life so much?

Thank you all so much for your responses.

I have been through cms and they can not trace him anywhere in the system..he is once of those crooks who ship their ££ overseas. Although they believe he has more than enough to pay child support. They have done everything in their power to search and get him to pay.. If you know the csa stages you will understand that once they reach a 'potential custodial sentence and driver's license removal' they have done all. Including bailiffs and endless court orders. No luck. He travels and lives a luxurious life. His refusal to pay is to punish me further for walking out on our marriage. He is Still in denial of abusing me. Narcissist and a psychopath.

As for the therapy, i have been to the gp. He asked me to do a self referral to a wellbeing service. I did. They diagnosed depression. Offered telephone CBT but it did work. I can not hold the phone crying to a therapist. CBT focuses on helping me deal with day to day activities and refocus. I'm working, I cook, i clean(might have an ocd), I drive around DD to activities and events. But the PROBLEM is I'm out of touch. I'm a zombie that's programmed to just keep doing what needs to be done and sleep at the end of the day.I'm rotting in my mind and in my heart. I cry almost everyday. I just need someone to talk to. That's the therapy I need. So I'm on the waiting list. But God, by the time they give me a slot.. will I be in one piece? I don't know.

DD is due to see ex this weekend, I know he is keen to pick her just so that he can introduce her to her new sister. I can not bear the thought of him flashing it all in her face. I love kids, don't get me wrong. But how would you feel if your Dear father provides for your sister and doesn't give a monkey about you? Would you want to be around him and his new found family that is living a better life than you?

Relationship: nil. Only met users and time wasters. Plus I don't feel ready at all. None was introduced to DD because I'm usually very careful not to jump in all angles.

I'm tired. Just soo tired. Sorry for long post. I really hope it makes sense.

Im at work but all I'm thinking about is that wine in the fridge 🍷

I'd be pissed off too, but of course your DD still wants to see her DF. Look on it as a little break from parenting, and just block your ears and hum a peaceful tune when she says how much fun he is.

How old is dd? Her thinking he sits up there on a pedastal is a disaster if she is old enough to know he provides no financial support to you for her upbringing.
She should know.

I’m sure the ex will have his own side to the story and would also describe his ex (op) as abusive. Stopping a child seeing her parent is abusive too.

Op needs to sort out child maintenance though.

but dd wont think like you are, she will probably be excited to meet her new sibling.

Yes I agree stopping contact could go against me if he applies to court. But trust me , I did once and he never bothered simply because he knew child maintenance will pop up in court. And that's the bit he is working so hard to avoid. I know he loves her-based on his constant contact without fail- but not enough to provide for her. I don't want my DD to grow up feeling she has to win her father's heart in order for him to provide for her. Or to think that she is not good enough. I will copy and paste some of our texts on here so you can understand better.

So sorry you are having such a rough time, but if your DD is happy seeing her father then it might be really distressing for her to stop this contact. Not sure whether this might help re the CMS www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/children-and-young-people/child-maintenance/child-maintenance-2012-scheme/child-maintenance-enforcement/child-maintenance-enforcement-where-to-start/ - if he is living the luxury life as you say then there will be assets and they can be removed, unless everything is in his wife/partner's name and in those circumstances I think they can still take something as he is seen as benefitting from them.

Good luck OP

No I'm sorry but I don't care what any of these people say if my DD father didn't pay child support or at least buy her clothes uniform school supplies etc, she wouldn't see him. Why should you work your ass of and provide for her for him to then enjoy her for free twice a month? Ridiculous and if I was his new Mrs I'd find him repulsive

No I'm sorry but I don't care what any of these people say if my DD father didn't pay child support or at least buy her clothes uniform school supplies etc, she wouldn't see him. Why should you work your ass of and provide for her for him to then enjoy her for free twice a month? Ridiculous and if I was his new Mrs I'd find him repulsive

children are not pay per view.

children are not pay per view.

I appreciate that but supposing it was you, and you have to grow up seeing your father provide for your sister and leave you out? Isn't that mental torture? Not good enough?

she might not think that! she will if you drill it into her, though.

A lot of kids have a different lifestyle at home to that of their half siblings. I absolutely agree with you that he should be supporting uour daughter and paying maintenance.

I don't agree that that definitely means she will be mentally tortured by the fact that he doesn't pay it, especially while she is still a child. She may well grow up and realise that he is a total shit and want nothing to do with him, but I think if she wants to see him as much as you hate him (and you're totally entitled to) you have to support that and make her see the good things about it ie "isn't it lovely you have a new baby sister" and " I hope you had a lovely time with daddy this weekend"

I know its hard, I really do but I think for your daughters sake you have to put your own issues aside and support what she wants. I understand you've done all you can do re CMS but if anything else comes up definitely pursue it.

I will add, I actually was a child in this very situation, but the other child wasn't even his biological daughter. I still wanted to see him when I was a child and actually grew close to my step sister.

Now I am an adult we don't see each other for other reasons, and I think he's a shit, and he is. But my mum never let on that he was, she let me make my own mind up about him. I am 23 now and he still owes her child maintenance that she will never see.

OP, sorry, but your child doesn't need to know whether her father provides for her or not. That is between the grown ups.

Family court do not get involved in finances. Your solicitor might ask him about financial support to highlight how crap he is, but the judge won't be affected by that.

Your daughter will appreciate all that you do for her, and one day she will realise. But now is not the time, tempting as it is.

As a CBT therapist myself I think you would actually benefit from supportive counselling rather than CBT over the phone. You’ll probably have to re-refer online and just be very firm that you want counselling F2F but also keep in mind that some services offer supportive groups for depression which you might find helpful and might be quicker to access (different services operate slightly differently and have different waitlists). There are some other options for free or low cost counselling: your local branch of MIND may have low cost counsellors or free student counsellors who are working towards accreditation. Also, local unis/colleges may have student counsellors. Student counsellors are often career changers so not necessarily young with no experience of what life throws at us! You could also contact the BACP and ask them what other options there are. The cognitive therapies can be really helpful but were never really designed to be 6 session only and for depression I’d want to see someone for c.15 sessions (ideally) before reassessing how things are going. Have you looked into some of the charities who support single parent families? They often have counsellors who can offer free sessions (usually students working towards qualification or post qualification accreditation who are trying to build their hours). I hope you find some support

There’s no way I would stop contact if my ex didn’t pay towards my dc’s. My dc’s are now older and can make their own mind up, to begin with I got no money off him, I do now but it’s not much, my dc’s don’t know how much it is. He does however take them out and buys them gifts when they are out with him, he buys them things for Christmas and birthdays and always has. For me it’s more important that my dc’s get to see their father than how much money he gives towards them. When they are old enough they can make their own mind up about him.

I’m sure your dd will be excited about meeting her new sister, she’s probably not going to be thinking “daddy provides for the baby but not me”, she will be happy that she is involved with her dads new family and that she gets to spend time with the baby. Why would you tell a child that her father does not pay a penny towards her upbringing? It would just make her feel rejected, when she’s old enough she will make up her own mind.

Totally understand, my stbxh has avoided paying the correct amount of cm for over a year as i struggled and struggled to make ends meet. But you carnt stop contact regardless. I think you have to see the cm payments (or lack of them) as totally separate from him seeing the child. YOu cannot deny them having a relationship based on him not paying cm, the courts will look very dimly on you if you try.

Personally i would try and think of different ways of finding out who he works for and what kind of income he has.

OP, here’s an example of one such MIND branch’s offering; ‘counselling prices on the ability to pay’
westkentmind.org.uk/what-we-offer/counselling

Sorry *based on the ability to pay. Usually zero charge up to a maximum of £25 a session (but I’ve not seen anyone pay that much).

Do you get a week might free? Can you join a community choir or gym or night class maybe somerhing creative...something for you?

YouOKHun thank you so much for your response. I will definitely look into that. I'm glad I posted here because I needed some answers on how to help myself before it too late. F2f therapy is what I need if I can find a free one. At the moment I'm trying to make ends meet so I can't afford to pay.

After all your responses, I will not stop DD from seeing him and his new family. That includes MIL and SIL. DD is 7 and yes I agree when she grows up she will make up her own mind about him. I just hope that she will not grow up to a woman who constantly needs a man's approval. We all have child hood traumas that make us who we are today. In no doubt she will see her life totally different to what her new sisters life will be. I am willing to work extra just to make her comfortable and not deny her contact with her father.

It's going to be tough. No matter how much I hate him, i always remind her before contact to love, respect and listen to her dad.

Thanks all

cestlavielife cancelled my gym membership after cutting down some hours over summer. I don't have anything fun or social going on my life. Due to the depression I have loved to be indoors unless I'm at Work. When DD is away, I usually clean alot, more 🍷 and catch up estenders. I cut off all my friends. Only once in a while I visit my family, (they live far). 😒

No matter how much I hate him, i always remind her before contact to love, respect and listen to her dad.

I wouldn't go that far! "Have fun" is about as much as I could manage in the circumstances!

Could you invite a friend or two over the next time your daughter is at her DF's? Reconnecting with your friends could give you a real lift after such a difficult time.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha
Advice noted. Worth her making her own judgement as she grows up.

My fear of being around people socially is overbearing. But will give it a go.

Best of luck, OP - it's been a crappy couple of years, but at the end of the day you are now free of your abusive Ex DP, so it's onwards and upwards from here.

Just get one easygoing friend around for a pizza and a film - they will understand you needed to hibernate a bit. We've all done it.