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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up with my boyfriend in these circumstances?

73 replies

ConfusedGirlfriend · 20/09/2018 09:30

We are both in our mid 30's. I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship, he has no children. We have been together for a year. I live in a 2 bedroom flat, which I have owned for almost 5 years, he just recently bought himself a 1 bedroom flat 6 months ago as he was fed up of renting (he had already started the purchase before we met).

I have always been very upfront with anyone I have dated regarding what I want in the future. I want to have another child in the next 5 years and due to my age, I need to get on with it sooner rather than later. My current BF is the only man to have ever met my 10 year old, they get on great, he stays over here regularly, we go on days out etc. He is by far and away the best partner I've ever had. When we first got together, I would hazard to guess in the first few dates, I was very explicit about my goal to have a serious relationship and another child. At the time he said he also wanted a child, marriage in a similar timeframe. Great!

Since we have been together a year, I asked him about when he thought we should start thinking about living together. He then said that as he had just moved into his flat 6 months ago, he might want to be there for up to four years! He said that he loves me and can see a future with us, but he wants to live on his own for a while and he doesn't know whether that will be for another year, 2 years or 4 years.

I have basically decided in my mind that we should split up, we clearly want different things, and at my age if I want to have another child I really need to be meeting and settling down with someone in the next couple of years.

However I was speaking to a friend of mine who said that I should give him a chance as perhaps he just got a bit intimidated by the seriousness of the conversation, and some men need a bit of time to digest commitment.

Should I cut my losses with this one? Would it be more reasonable to give him a few months just to digest the conversation and see where we are at then?

OP posts:
ArtemisWeatherwax · 20/09/2018 09:34

I think if he's mid-30s and still wants to wait possibly 5 years then you are not the One for him.

LeftRightCentre · 20/09/2018 09:34

Stop wasting either of your time. You are not compatible. He is an adult, your friend's advice is ridiculous, there's no reason why he can't communicate his wants and needs in life because he's a man Hmm. Cut your losses. He's entitled to want to stay put and enjoy his flat as much as you are to move on to find someone more compatible with your long-term needs.

RangeRider · 20/09/2018 09:37

Sit down & have a serious conversation again. Make it clear what your deadlines are & ask him to be honest about whether he's fine with them or not. If he's not then you can walk away, if he say he is then he has until the first deadline & if he doesn't meet that..... You just need to make the first deadline not too far off!

fanfan18 · 20/09/2018 09:40

He's great in every other way and he's just bought his first property, i'd definitely give it another 6 months to a year. I wouldn't want to move out of my new flat either after 6 months, buying your first place is a good achievement and he should be able to enjoy it.

Unless your timeframe is rigid, i'd give it a while.

Original poster
ConfusedGirlfriend · 20/09/2018 09:42

Sorry I should have added into my OP, when we were discussing moving in together I said I think it would be good to have moved in together by this time next year. Not that we'd start living together right now.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 20/09/2018 09:44

He's saying he wants to be on his own for another 4 years. He can still be your dp and a dad even if you live apart. There's no law that says you have to live together, and in fact some women might prefer to live separately.

Loopytiles · 20/09/2018 09:45

Can understand your desire to have DC2, but a year isn’t a long relationship at all: your boyfriend isn’t unreasonable not to want to commit.

Loopytiles · 20/09/2018 09:46

If what you actually want is marriage and / or ttc by the time you’re age X then moving in together is by-the-by.

MicroManaged · 20/09/2018 09:46

Should I cut my losses with this one?

To me that sentence says it all. ‘This one?’ You don’t sound that into him anyway.

nicalila · 20/09/2018 09:49

If you aren't willing to compromise, then perhaps yes, however, do you think that you will meet someone else that will fall in line with your guidelines? It is unlikely. If you are happy in all other respects, and you have taken the huge step of introducing your child, and they get on then I think you may be jumping the gun to end it all, and more than likely you would regret it? When I got together with my partner, he had been married twice and was adamant that though he wanted a relationship, he never wanted to live with anyone again. We moved in together after 12 months, and have been living together for 3 years now. If I had taken what he said at face value, I would have thrown all that away. It is tough, and I understand how you must feel when you are keen to get the wheels in motion, perhaps just let things progress naturally without thinking of the ticking clock. x

Mumminmum · 20/09/2018 09:51

He is just not that into you. Move on.

specialsubject · 20/09/2018 10:01

different goals. Neither of you are wrong but sadly that's how it is. Don't insult him by assuming he doesn't mean what he says.

sorry.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 20/09/2018 10:02

There's no law that says you have to live together, and in fact some women might prefer to live separately.

Not living together but having a baby together?

Yeah there's no law against it but it would be pretty odd. And an unfair burden on the mother.

fuzzywuzzy · 20/09/2018 10:03

I would cut my losses.

To be honest it will take time to find the right person and whilst you're waiting for this DP to change his mind he has already told you he needs another four years or so. Trying to get him to change four years to one will not work.

You need to break up and start afresh with someone who does want what you want.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 20/09/2018 10:05

perhaps he just got a bit intimidated by the seriousness of the conversation, and some men need a bit of time to digest commitment.

Your friend is wrong. Real life is nothing like an episode of SATC and if a man in his mid-thirties feels intimidated by a conversation about the future, he's not interested in the future.

If you want different things the only feasible way to remain together is for one of you to compromise. It doesn't sound likely that he will, so could you? If not, there's your answer.

Original poster
ConfusedGirlfriend · 20/09/2018 10:05

Yes I think you are all correct, and that was what I was thinking before my friend swayed my mind.

I feel slightly duped to be honest, when we first met he was totally onboard with the babies/marriage/wanting a serious relationship in the next 5 years. Now he's not sure whether he will want to live on his own for 4!

OP posts:
whatwillbewillbe03 · 20/09/2018 10:06

I agree with @Singlenotsingle i don't think you have to live together to have a great relationship or for him to be a great dad. As long as you have clear expectations and he can fulfil and you have TRUST there is no reason you can't make things work in this way.

fuzzywuzzy · 20/09/2018 10:09

living apart with a new baby is not something I personally would choose to do.

What's the point of a partner in that instance?

you need a hands on DP who will pitch in looking after your child and with the general day to day life including night waking. Which won't happen if he is living in his own house.

whatwillbewillbe03 · 20/09/2018 10:09

I've been with my partner for 2 years, we are engaged, and love him to bits BUT i am not ready to give up my home to move in with him. We see eachother 5/6 times a weeks he is a great stepdad to my daughter. Having our own space works for us.

Original poster
ConfusedGirlfriend · 20/09/2018 10:11

BF living separately from me wouldn't work. I've been a single parent for 8 years - I have no desire to be one again.

I feel very grieved that I have fallen in love with this man, introduced him to my son, only to be told a year down the line that actually he didn't mean it when he said he was interested in X Y Z in the next few years. It wouldn't have gone beyond the first date had he actually been honest in the first instance.

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 20/09/2018 10:12

Can you really know something like that after a first date?

Original poster
ConfusedGirlfriend · 20/09/2018 10:14

It's not about knowing necessarily that he wants X Y Z with me. But I think everyone at a certain age has rough 5 - 10 year goals. My 5 year goals are very rigid and set in stone because otherwise I will miss my chance of having another DC. I have always been very upfront with men that I meet about what my expectations would be for the future, otherwise what is the point? I am wasting my time.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 20/09/2018 10:16

Leave him. That may trigger him to rethink, if not, you have started the rest of your life and are available for the next opportunity. Win/ win.

Badtasteflump · 20/09/2018 10:19

I feel slightly duped to be honest, when we first met he was totally onboard with the babies/marriage/wanting a serious relationship in the next 5 years

I would try really hard not to see it that way - I don't think he 'duped' you - I think he told you what he thought he might want to do in the next few years - but now, for whatever reason, he no longer feels that way - which is his choice. I don't think it's fair to expect somebody to give you a five year plan that early on in a relationship anyway tbh.

Having said that, if he was really into you he would be more than happy to move in together and plan for the future after a year. So I think he just isn't, and that yes you should move on without him. But I don't think that makes him a bad person, just that you're not right for each other.

Bardwell · 20/09/2018 10:20

I actually think he's sensible not to leap into living together too soon, OP -- you see it all the time on here, people slipping into living together without really thinking about it, and the most awful financial and domestic gruntwork irregularities occurring because it wasn't thought through as the big commitment it in fact is, especially with a ten year old in the mix. Only an idiot would move in with a child in these circumstances without being aware of the seriousness of what he's doing. Many people would not have even introduced their boyfriend to their child within a year.

However, in this case, his approach doesn't fit your time scheme, so you are better off ending things and looking elsewhere. I don't think it's fair to hold him to something that was said during one of your initial dates, when talking about marriage and children is pretty much a pipe-dream anyway, when it's still possible another date won't be forthcoming.