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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To break up with my boyfriend in these circumstances?

73 replies

ConfusedGirlfriend · 20/09/2018 09:30

We are both in our mid 30's. I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship, he has no children. We have been together for a year. I live in a 2 bedroom flat, which I have owned for almost 5 years, he just recently bought himself a 1 bedroom flat 6 months ago as he was fed up of renting (he had already started the purchase before we met).

I have always been very upfront with anyone I have dated regarding what I want in the future. I want to have another child in the next 5 years and due to my age, I need to get on with it sooner rather than later. My current BF is the only man to have ever met my 10 year old, they get on great, he stays over here regularly, we go on days out etc. He is by far and away the best partner I've ever had. When we first got together, I would hazard to guess in the first few dates, I was very explicit about my goal to have a serious relationship and another child. At the time he said he also wanted a child, marriage in a similar timeframe. Great!

Since we have been together a year, I asked him about when he thought we should start thinking about living together. He then said that as he had just moved into his flat 6 months ago, he might want to be there for up to four years! He said that he loves me and can see a future with us, but he wants to live on his own for a while and he doesn't know whether that will be for another year, 2 years or 4 years.

I have basically decided in my mind that we should split up, we clearly want different things, and at my age if I want to have another child I really need to be meeting and settling down with someone in the next couple of years.

However I was speaking to a friend of mine who said that I should give him a chance as perhaps he just got a bit intimidated by the seriousness of the conversation, and some men need a bit of time to digest commitment.

Should I cut my losses with this one? Would it be more reasonable to give him a few months just to digest the conversation and see where we are at then?

OP posts:

deste · 20/09/2018 10:22

Nowhere in the post' unless I’ve missed it does the word love get mentioned. It sounds like he would do.

deste · 20/09/2018 10:23

Crossed post.

Original poster

ConfusedGirlfriend · 20/09/2018 10:23

deste

'I feel very grieved that I have fallen in love with this man, introduced him to my son, only to be told a year down the line that actually he didn't mean it when he said he was interested in X Y Z in the next few years. It wouldn't have gone beyond the first date had he actually been honest in the first instance.'

OP posts:

RayneDash · 20/09/2018 10:24

I get he wants to enjoy his flat but four years? If he said to you ok let's try and I will move in when you're xx months pregnant then great.... but 4 years?? That's not appropriate or considerate! You will end up resenting him if you leave it too long and that's not fair on either of you. I would move on...

Badtasteflump · 20/09/2018 10:26

My 5 year goals are very rigid and set in stone because otherwise I will miss my chance of having another DC

There's something about that statement that doesn't sit right with me. And I imagine if I were a potential partner of yours hearing that, I would feel as if I am being looked upon as a sperm doner more than a partner. If your main priority is having a baby within 5 years, that's your choice, but personally I would want to make sure I find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with first, however long that took.

breadandpullet · 20/09/2018 10:29

He is an adult, your friend's advice is ridiculous, there's no reason why he can't communicate his wants and needs in life because he's a man

I agree with this. I get really pissed off with excuses like "He forgets birthdays? Ah but he's a man!" "He doesn't pick up after himself? Ah but he's a man!" as if being a man is some sort of get out of jail free card for acting like a dick.

DukeOfSussex · 20/09/2018 10:29

some men need a bit of time to digest commitment.

Yes, immature ones. You don't want a baby with that kind.

Original poster

ConfusedGirlfriend · 20/09/2018 10:29

Badtasteflump Yes of course, and I went on many, many dates over many, many years before I met current BF. If I don't meet anyone in the next 5 years then so be it, I won't have another DC.

I think you also have to be realistic when you meet someone though. If you both want children, but they want to wait for another 10 years, well that's not really feasible then is it?

OP posts:

ConnectedtoMS · 20/09/2018 10:30

Lets reverse it for one minute, if I'd been dating a man for a year (I'm mid 30) with a child and he put me on a schedule to move in together and have a kid, I'd frankly run for the hills..
Do you want to be with him or you just want another kid with someone who fits your requirements and schedule?
To be blunt and completely honest with you: there are plenty of 30 something, attractive, successful girls out there looking for a future husband and father so just be aware of that.

WinnieFosterTether · 20/09/2018 10:30

It's fine for you to have rigid goals and tbh the timescale comes from biology not from your need to be controlling. But, as PPs have said, this isn't the right relationship.
Either your BF has changed his mind or he said what he thought you wanted to hear at the beginning. The latter is always going to be a problem when you discuss long-term planning very early in a relationship but at least you know now that he isn't on the same page.

DukeOfSussex · 20/09/2018 10:31

The op wants a partner and a child or she'd just get a sperm donor, an actual one.

She can't spend the rest of her life looking because that's not the female reproductive system works. Any man who isn't an idiot will understand that.

DukeOfSussex · 20/09/2018 10:33

Lets reverse it for one minute, if I'd been dating a man for a year (I'm mid 30) with a child and he put me on a schedule to move in together and have a kid, I'd frankly run for the hills..

What if the man said for health reasons he wasn't going to be fertile in a year's time and this was the only chance for both of you to have a child together.

RaspberryBeret34 · 20/09/2018 10:34

YANBU at all. I've been in similar situations.

Rather than immediately dump him though in this case, I'd have a conversation and say you need to have a rethink of your relationship becaues if he wants to live alone for another 4 years, you are on totally different pages and it will likely mean you won't be able to have another child.

I may be clutching at straws but there's a small chance he may have taken what you said about "in 5 years" to mean "in about 5 years time" rather than "within the next 5 years" ie quite soon!. So he's thinking he should/could enjoy his flat for the next 4 years (maybe hope it increases in value a bit) then move in and have a baby. It's just the specific timescale of you initially mentioning "in 5 years", you're now a year in and he's talking about "4 years" that makes me think that is a possibility and it's worth a conversation (now not in a few months) rather than an immediate split.

bubbles108 · 20/09/2018 10:34

We have been together for a year

And you want him to commit to living together and having a child in the next year?

I think you're rushing things - your desire for another child is clouding your decision making - imo and scaring your DP

If having a child is the most important thing for you, there's nothing to stop you having one and continuing as a single parent

Yabbers · 20/09/2018 10:35

win/win

Not for him. Relationships are about compromise and walking away in the hope he will give in to her demands puts him in a shitty position.

Although, OP sounds like hard work, looking for a deadline so soon in a relationship so walking away may well be the best thing for him.

Original poster

ConfusedGirlfriend · 20/09/2018 10:37

No I don't want him to commit to have a child in the next year. But I am not far off forty, so realistically if it doesn't happen in the next 3-4 years then it wont.

Having been together already for a year - I proposed aiming to live together by this time next year. So 2 years into our relationship. I don't think thats unreasonable at all.

OP posts:

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 20/09/2018 10:38

I also agree this is bad advice and buys into the ridiculous stereotype of women 'wanting commitment' and men being children who don't really know what they want.

He said that he loves me and can see a future with us, but he wants to live on his own for a while and he doesn't know whether that will be for another year, 2 years or 4 years

You were honest, he was honest. The future you both want over the next five years are not compatible. Kiss him goodbye and wish each other well.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 20/09/2018 10:40

4 years might as well be never tbh

I think you are totally unreasonable to say you were duped etc - there is a world of difference between saying - in principle - that you are looking for a serious relationship & parenthood; and committing to that, with that person, on an early date.

Also, you have a ten year old. You are asking him to become a cohabitee, a stepfather and a stepfather. It's a lot. It needs time to think about.

fuzzywuzzy · 20/09/2018 10:43

Why is living together and etc within a three year time period ‘scary’?

I find his so odd. You either want a family with your partner or you don’t.

It would make sense to wait ten years if you were in your twenties but surely by late thirties most people are ready to settle down and start a family?

It’s not wrong of him not wanting to and it’s not wrong you wanting to start a family within the next few years.

You aren’t compatible clearly.

DP and I had a baby in three years of being together.

A friend married his girlfriend within six months of meeting her.

It’s completely down to the individual and having your personal set of rules is not wrong at all.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 20/09/2018 10:43

I think "aiming to live together" is weird though, as is shared parenthood will happen naturally. Relationships don't follow rigid timelines.

I think if you want to be able to try for a child, I think he is not the one.

Beamur · 20/09/2018 10:43

YANBU time is not on the side of a 30 something woman wanting to have a baby.
I'd have another conversation with your DP but I think you do need to be willing to move on if you don't want the same things.,

WinnieFosterTether · 20/09/2018 10:44

It needs time to think about
He's had a year to think about it and OP didn't ask him to move in and have a baby today. She asked him to commit to a timescale and the timescale he gave her just doesn't make sense for her taking into account her age.
OP I admire you for knowing what you want and making hard decisions accordingly. Please don't be swayed by people like your friend telling you to effectively wait and see. You don't have the luxury of waiting and seeing especially when your BF is telling you what he wants and it doesn't match what you want.

Anastassiabeaverhausen · 20/09/2018 10:48

I think after a year you usually have a pretty good idea how you feel about a person. Either you want more or you don't. I gave my dh a similar timeframe. I didn't want to spend 5 years dating when I wanted children sooner rather than later.
He proposed after 2 years together (already living together at that point). He knew I was serious and wanted the same things.

joystir59 · 20/09/2018 10:49

You are rigid and set in stone so not that interested in developing a real relationship which requires vulnerability, trust, openness and being in the moment and seeing where your growing love and understanding together takes you. You are goal-driven and quite matter of fact and never mention love in your post. You may end up alone.

Original poster

ConfusedGirlfriend · 20/09/2018 10:55

I do love him, it might seem like I am being very cut and dry, but as PP have said I think you know after a year whether you truly want to be with someone or not. I also don't have time on my side to sit around twiddling my thumbs.

Saying you potentially want to be living on your own for another 4 years is indicative of how you view your partner and your relationship imo.

OP posts:

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