To break up with my boyfriend in these circumstances?

[ConfusedGirlfriend]

We are both in our mid 30's. I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship, he has no children. We have been together for a year. I live in a 2 bedroom flat, which I have owned for almost 5 years, he just recently bought himself a 1 bedroom flat 6 months ago as he was fed up of renting (he had already started the purchase before we met).

I have always been very upfront with anyone I have dated regarding what I want in the future. I want to have another child in the next 5 years and due to my age, I need to get on with it sooner rather than later. My current BF is the only man to have ever met my 10 year old, they get on great, he stays over here regularly, we go on days out etc. He is by far and away the best partner I've ever had. When we first got together, I would hazard to guess in the first few dates, I was very explicit about my goal to have a serious relationship and another child. At the time he said he also wanted a child, marriage in a similar timeframe. Great!

Since we have been together a year, I asked him about when he thought we should start thinking about living together. He then said that as he had just moved into his flat 6 months ago, he might want to be there for up to four years! He said that he loves me and can see a future with us, but he wants to live on his own for a while and he doesn't know whether that will be for another year, 2 years or 4 years.

I have basically decided in my mind that we should split up, we clearly want different things, and at my age if I want to have another child I really need to be meeting and settling down with someone in the next couple of years.

However I was speaking to a friend of mine who said that I should give him a chance as perhaps he just got a bit intimidated by the seriousness of the conversation, and some men need a bit of time to digest commitment.

Should I cut my losses with this one? Would it be more reasonable to give him a few months just to digest the conversation and see where we are at then?

Why is living together and etc within a three year time period ‘scary’?
It's not. Asking someone to commit to it at the one year point is the scary bit. No different to asking them to do it right now. It's like OP wants to be engaged to be engaged.

After a year you would be right in thinking he would know how committed he was to you. Saying he might want to live with you in another 2, 4 or 5 years shows he has doubts and wants to delay the decision because he perhaps doesn't think you two could go the course.

If you want another child and would like a partner to live with you and children then he doesn't sound like the one. IMO cut your losses and move on before time flies and you regret the wasted time.

Good luck with whatever you choose

I've never known anyone who lived apart after starting to date seriously, to then go on to live happily together. Most of the Men have never considered the Woman's house as their home, or themselves as a proper life Partner.

I know couples who happily live apart, but that has been decided upon, firstly. Not one side pushing to live together and have had to come to a compromise, to hang on to their B/GF.

Some of these replies are ridiculous. Unless you know that you can afford a few rounds of IVF and it won't be the end of the World if you don't carry a Baby, then every Woman, who wants children, has to think about time limits.

OP, a serious conversation needs to take place again about expectations for the future.

Life is going to be a lot more difficult if you plan on him moving in during your Sons teen years.

If you don't like what you are hearing, end it. I've known many Women to hang on, in their late 20's/30's and the Man has moved on as the Woman has gone past 40. Usually to a younger Woman, who they then commit to and impregnate, quite quickly.

I never really understood the need time to decide to commit.... for me I know if someone is for me or not and worth the commitment, almost immediately is there chemistry, then within a year I would understand their values, personality etc...

You are goal-driven and quite matter of fact and never mention love in your post. You may end up alone.

I agree with this. I had a colleague at work who had always said she would never have a child after she was thirty because she had been told your body never recovers, she was late 20s and wanted a third child. Her relationship with her husband deteriorated quite a bit (she told us she found him dull and too dependable) and they separated for nearly two years. Then, out of the blue when she was almost 29, they were back together, he had moved in again and she was expecting her third. The eventually split again when the baby was almost a year old.

We've had a few discussions about it over the years. As a single mum of 3 young children she says she wishes she had concentrated on the relationship with her husband rather than being all consumed about having a 3rd by 30.

He doesn't want to commit. After a year I couldn't wait to move in with my DH and we had been talking about it for months beforehand.

Four years is ridiculous.

I think he's not the one and you could end up in the same situation in years to come with him, when it's too late to have a second child with someone else.

It's easy for people to say they are open to an idea when it's mostly hypothetical in their mind. You see how they truly feel when 'hypothetical' (or 'yea sure one day I'd be up for that') becomes closer to 'actionable'.

I'd say it's fairly clear that for the foreseeable future he doesn't want to either become a stepfather to your child or to have a baby with you. You could gamble on that changing but as you have said, you might miss the chance of meeting someone who really does want those things.

You are goal-driven and quite matter of fact and never mention love in your post. You may end up alone

Which would be preferable to being in a relationship where you both want different things.

I'm all for compromise, except when it's to with bringing a child into a relationship. Them you both have to be on exactly the same page.

You are rigid and set in stone so not that interested in developing a real relationship which requires vulnerability, trust, openness and being in the moment and seeing where your growing love and understanding together takes you. You are goal-driven and quite matter of fact and never mention love in your post. You may end up alone.

Goal driven and matter of fact. What terrible traits to find in a woman op I think your best bet would be to not worry at all, and then quietly bide your time for 5, 6, 7 years or so then post on the relationships board about your boyfriend and do you think he'll get around to committing.

Yes you are very rigid, but that is your right. I was going to say it is hard to meet other men especially when you have a child so you may give him up and end up alone. However I can see that you say you have been on many, many dates....so you should have no problem meeting someone else. Wish I was as lucky on the dating scene.

You have two options: stay with this man, who you claim you love, and see what happens (he did say he wanted children with you).

Or you leave and try to find someone else who is willing to have children with you within a fairly small window of time.

If I was really in love with someone, the choice would be clear to me (particularly as you already have a child). But it's your life and your choices, of course.

I'd say it's fairly clear that for the foreseeable future he doesn't want to either become a stepfather to your child

He hasn't said this. He's said that he wants to live in his flat by himself for a number of years.

A stepfather is not a father.

If you’ve only had the one serious conversation about moving in then I think you may need another. It’s quite a drastic step to split on that one comment from him. It might be a number of factors which makes him not want to move in, could be loss of money if he moves in with you, could he rent his house out to keep his security etc etc. I’d want to know ‘why’ the 4 year deadline first...

Then if it’s quite obvious you’re not on the same timeline I think you may want to move on.

I too like that you know what you want!

Sadly, I think his intentions were set when he made the flat purchase. It makes no sense to buy a 1 bed flat and then move in with your DP and her DC just 18 months later.

You are at completely different stages in life with polar opposite time frames, and I'd suggest not wasting your time hanging around and waiting for something that your DP might decide he's still not ready for in 4 years.

Just another perspective, if he's just bought this flat six months ago, assuming he's paid out a deposit, stamp duty, legal fees and got a typical 2-5 year fixed mortgage term then I can understand why a) he doesn't want to move out after a year b) as a first time buyer he might not be able to simply switch to a buy to let mortgage if he were to move in with you or if he were to sell it depending on his mortgage term he would likely lose money . From a practical financial point of view in the current climate he would probably be wise to keep this flat for at least 4 years.

It’s okay to know what you want and to set boundaries. Your have talked and it appears that your individual life plans and trajectories are not compatible He is being honest. If he can’t give a commitment to how he may feel in 12 months and you need it then you have both set boundaries that don’t align. I don’t know if he has intentionally deceived you. But need to be prepared for any relationship not to work out the way you planned, individually or together.

From either perspective you both met and broadly identified that you had the same goals. Marriage and a family in the next 5 years. But that didn’t meant that it had to be with each other or on the same trajectory.

Feelings solidify or erode over time. But they are not the only issue. He has to be confident that not only are you the one he loves but are you one he can live with and have a family with. He has told you that he doesn’t know right now if that is the case at the moment. He could say it was knowing it is a big maybe or a slight maybe. Either way you need assurance that it is.

I wouldn’t recommend getting bitter about this, it is a wasted emotion. Although I know the feeling. Maybe lessons learnt is that way to go. In this case his purchase of the flat was part of a life plan on progress; living by himself. That was going to need to play out before he moved onto the next stage. As the old adage goes, look at what they do not what they say. Remember most people aren’t really conscious of the intent and implications of their actions in the way you are. He could just be bumbling along doing things that’s are expected of him. He just has more time on his side to limp from stage to stage. All men do and that’s just biology.

I suppose one of the questions for you is would you consider another child as a single parent. Not necessarily with him. I think it is worth considering if it is feasible. I say this because I see risk in maybe rushing a relationship without getting to really know someone. Falling in love is easy and fast. Falling in love with somebody who makes a good partner and father is not so easy and it takes time to really get to know a person.

Also bear in mind that men who haven’t been in a serious relationship and are relatively young (30 maybe pushing it) don’t have a track record of positives and red flags that will help you short cut the time it takes to evaluate him as a life partner.

Hi OP

I totally agree with what you wrote:-

“Saying you potentially want to be living on your own for another 4 years is indicative of how you view your partner and your relationship”

I’d have one more conversation with your BF. Tell him that you’ve been mulling over the last conversation you had with him on this topic. How important these specify goals are to you, that you felt he believed in the sand, and that you’d like to be with him and have a child with him. Then reiterate above (one year being long enough...). Ask him to think about this as you feel otherwise you need to move on. That you love and redirect him, but if your goals don’t align, best to know now rather than when it’s too late for you to have another DC.

I had a similar-ish conversation with my husband 30 years ago (different circumstances), I asked him to think about it. Happily married for 27 years now.

FYI - I too had been a single parent. Was not doing it again not being married. So for me, marriage was essential.

I dont think YABU.

Ive been with my partner for a year now - we did move in together very shortly after meeting into his house and after he sold his house he got a place of his own, I moved back into my house. We both have kids but my goal is marriage and a house together. As he is only renting somewhere I said realistically that we should look into this (living together again) once his tenancy is up in another 5 months.

Honestly Im at the same age point as you - mid 30's and realistically want to be married, settled and in my forever home by the time I am 40. So I agree - if he doesnt want the same goal as you in a similar timeframe, then he isnt the one. And I too will be looking at my own relationship the same once his tenancy is up - because if he doesnt want to do it then - he probably never will!

You are rigid and set in stone so not that interested in developing a real relationship which requires vulnerability, trust, openness and being in the moment and seeing where your growing love and understanding together takes you.

^this.

I don't think OP is rigid. She's clear on what she wants and her deadlines cannot shift much. He's clear on what he wants but his deadlines are not so fixed. They can both compromise or they can separate.
4 years of living on his own is ridiculous! Wish him well and move on.

4 years is too long and you will risk losing the chance to have another child. However, do you have "baby fever" (sorry) that could come across v scary. But fuck people who are scared of commitment after a year, it's infantile. IMO it takes a whole year to make an informed decision about whether someone is for you. You are at very different life stages too, you have been a parent for 10 years and he is only just enjoying his first purchase. Is he a proper grown up yet or not?

If he was serious about wanting a kid he could rent out his flat within a month and move in with you. If you stay worth him then look into options like freezing your eggs.

You are rigid and set in stone so not that interested in developing a real relationship which requires vulnerability, trust, openness and being in the moment and seeing where your growing love and understanding together takes you

Don't agree with this at all. If the OP waits to see where it's going she will lose her chance to have children. If he loved her enough he would understand this and be open to a conversation about the future. If this man really wants kids but is suggesting waiting until his partner is in her 40s then alarm bells are ringing for me. He wants kids, but maybe not with her.

So yes, cut your losses or you might find yourself 40 something and single with no more children because he has left you for a younger, more fertile model. It happens all the time.