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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About friend's extremely dirty house

67 replies

Sequinsglitter · 19/09/2018 20:57

I've been to my friend's house many times however everytime i go over the house seems to get messier and messier. Ripped off wallpaper, damp on the walls, half the carpet missing on the stairs, there's always shoes everywhere, a cracked window, furniture chucked into the garden. Just general mess all over the house. WIBU to say something?

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/09/2018 20:59

Is she (or he ) ok ? Sounds like more than the usual mess and possible MH issues

?

MissConductUS · 19/09/2018 21:00

You could, but I'm not sure what it would accomplish. Unless you're offering to help sort it out with your friend.

Padparadscha · 19/09/2018 21:00

Depends. Are there children living there? Is it a hazard rather than just unsightly? Has she fallen on hard times and can’t afford to sort it? Is her mental health ok? Does she have a shit landlord that won’t fix anything? Have you subtly tried to offer help e.g ‘oh, are the council picking that stuff up, or would you like help taking it to the tip?’. Need a bit more information here.

MissusGeneHunt · 19/09/2018 21:00

Why leap to the assumption there's MH issues???? Could just be bloody lazy or couldn't care less!!!

Pinkshadow · 19/09/2018 21:01

Are there children living there?

Maybe she is having MH issuers like PP said. I’d definitely offer to help out and clear the furniture from the garden etc.

Does she own the property?

Bunchofdaffodils · 19/09/2018 21:01

Say what? Is she/he unable to see?

tinyme77 · 19/09/2018 21:02

What do you want to say? Surely they are aware

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 19/09/2018 21:03

Apart from the damp it could be my house at times! 6 dc - lots of shoes, cracked window where ds fired a particularly vicious catapult through it!! We are in the middle of decorating, dh always building some piece of furniture out the back,
Oh but I have no judgey friends so it isn't my house!!

RedneckStumpy · 19/09/2018 21:04

Some people live in absolute squalor, doubt they would appreciate a comment.

DH and I picked up a table, (Facebook purchase) we wanted to shower in bleach the house was so bad.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/09/2018 21:06

Do you think they haven’t noticed, and will appreciate you bringing it to their attention?!
Why does any mention of people living in squalid conditions always start the “must have mental health issues” brigade off?
Some people just don’t care how they live.

greendale17 · 19/09/2018 21:08

Why does any mention of people living in squalid conditions always start the “must have mental health issues” brigade off?
Some people just don’t care how they live.

^Thisv

YeTalkShiteHen · 19/09/2018 21:10

Some people don’t care how they live, you’re right.

But a steady decline in living standards rather than it being their norm is usually a pretty good indicator that there’s something else going on.

DDIJ · 19/09/2018 21:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

GulliverUnravels · 19/09/2018 21:11

Sounds like my friend's house, OP. I stopped going round eventually because I always felt on edge while I was there and left feeling really dirty. I'm by no means a clean freak and my house is very "lived in" but hers was another level. I couldn't sit down without sitting in cat food / a used teabag / a dirty nappy. Bathroom and kitchen filthy, never any soap in either.
No MH issues, she just prioritised getting stoned other pursuits over housework. Her free time is spent watching music videos on YouTube, her DP's is spent skateboarding, and her DC's is spent playing video games. It was really starting to affect my respect for her - but if you only ever meet her in public places (as I do now) you'd never guess she lived like that. Especially as she's a health professional!
Just stop going to her house, OP.

KanielOutis · 19/09/2018 21:11

Sounds like my house. Including the cracked window. I'm doing it up a bit at a time as and when we can afford it. Did the kitchen and the carpets. The bath is held on with duck tape, window was broke when we bought the place. Still haven't got around to replacing it. DH put his foot through the ceiling when he was in the loft. Added that to the to do list. It'll be another decade before our house is up to scratch.

GoingToInfinity · 19/09/2018 21:12

@MissusGeneHunt because it's very common when someone is feeling low or depressed that they stop caring for themselves and their surrounding properly.

Original poster
Sequinsglitter · 19/09/2018 21:13

Her only child still living at home is 16. I'm not trying to judge her, my house is hardly a pretty sight at the best of times. It's like she doesn't really acknowlege it, her landlord gave up ages ago and she didn't seem to understand why he was so angry at her for the mess and broken things

OP posts:
GulliverUnravels · 19/09/2018 21:13

(Oh - I wouldn't say anything though, unless there's something else going on to make you suspect it's not just laziness / apathy. I can't imagine that conversation would ever be well received.)

MatildaTheCat · 19/09/2018 21:14

Then she won’t understand your concerns either. I would struggle a lot with this and wouldn’t want to go there. Is she functioning in a normal way outside of her home?

theworldistoosmall · 19/09/2018 21:16

Ripped off wallpaper - young children doing this or in the middle of decorating
Damp - can be a pain to deal with
Half carpet on the stairs - an accident that meant taking some up (I'm going to be fucked when I try and take mine up and will be a mess)
Shoes everywhere - lazy fuckers in the house taking off anywhere or kids dress up stuff
Cracked window - these cost money to replace. Not everyone has this hanging around
Furniture chucked in the garden - again not ideal, takes cash to take away. This like the window could have happened yesterday and you round today for all we know.
General mess - I have some ex-friends who would bitch about this because I didn't live in a show home. Reality just mess from having 3 kids under 5 one who has SN.

Twotailed · 19/09/2018 21:16

The only way you can possibly say anything is if you’re offering to help. Otherwise it’s just unhelpful judgment.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/09/2018 21:17

Her landlord gave up asking her to stop trashing the place?

CauliflowerBalti · 19/09/2018 21:19

I can’t think of how you’d word it without sounding judgy as fuck. If she is happy and her child is content and well fed - none of the other things matter. You just described my last house, pretty much. I had better things to do - build a business, go on adventures with my boy at the weekend. Life is too short to care about discarded shoes.

Butterymuffin · 19/09/2018 21:22

The only way you can possibly say anything is if you’re offering to help. Otherwise it’s just unhelpful judgment.

This. No point in saying 'did you know your house is a shithole?'

Pinkshadow · 19/09/2018 21:22

Is she a close friend?

I would feel comfortable saying something if she was. But in a nice ‘can I help out’ kind of way.

It’s not quite as bad as what you’re describing but I had to feed my friends cats for a week. Their kitchen was so gross, covered in fur, grease everywhere. I don’t know how people live like that.