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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About friend's extremely dirty house

67 replies

Sequinsglitter · 19/09/2018 20:57

I've been to my friend's house many times however everytime i go over the house seems to get messier and messier. Ripped off wallpaper, damp on the walls, half the carpet missing on the stairs, there's always shoes everywhere, a cracked window, furniture chucked into the garden. Just general mess all over the house. WIBU to say something?

OP posts:

MsMotherOfDragons · 19/09/2018 21:26

If it's "Can I help you with anything?", then yes, absolutely, say it.

If not, don't.

tillytoodles1 · 19/09/2018 21:30

My friend has the dirtiest house I've ever seen and she doesn't care. She's a foster mum and the kids don't care either, they just feel safe and loved.

MissCharleyP · 19/09/2018 21:43

I had a friend like this, she’s always been untidy but after she separated from her DH it got worse. I went round and it was a total tip, I’m not the tidiest by a long way but this was dirty: dog hair, dog shit in the overgrown garden, dishes from breakfast in the sink (I went round after lunch), overflowing bin. She’d done her DC a snack and asked if I wanted any food...just after one of the dogs had jumped on a chair and run around the worktop 🤢. I declined politely. I sneezed non-stop from the minute I walked in the door. When I got home my DM made me strip, put my clothes in the washer and get in the shower. Some people genuinely don’t see it, some don’t have a problem with it and some, it gets too much and they don’t know where to start.

TomHardysNextWife · 19/09/2018 21:47

There is a big difference between run down and plain filthy.

Even when we moved into our house and it was desperate for renovating, it was kept as clean as it could be.

Some people are just lazy, OP.

Rudgie47 · 19/09/2018 21:49

I've had damp in my property and it was caused by condensation.Loads of people said it was rising damp and tried to rip me off for a new damp course.
I've got it treated now with special paints, sprays and dehumifiers for the winter. It was a struggle but we got there eventually.
Ask her if she wants any help with these things, she might not know where to start.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/09/2018 21:51

How is the damp her fault?

GoneWithTheTurd · 19/09/2018 21:52

What you’re describing isn’t just a messy house. It sounds like she’s living in a squalor. She must have given up. If you’re close friends. Then I would offer to help her out if she’s struggling. In the nicest way tell her she has to get her house sorted. It can damage her health otherwise.

Rebecca36 · 19/09/2018 21:52

Don't say anything unless you're prepared to help - which could end up with you doing it all!

Not your business really.

HPFA · 19/09/2018 21:55

My first job was on a Mobile Library going round some beautiful (and expensive) villages in rural Oxfordshire.

First day there was a regular "tea break" spot in someone's house. Lovely house on the outside and expensive looking furniture. It was the filthiest house I'd ever seen. I drank the tea black as I was scared to drink anything that came from the fridge. There was a whole salmon sat on the table and the lady said cheerfully "Oh, I'm having a dinner party tonight" - it was a boiling hot day and clearly the fish was going to sit there all day. God knows how many guests spent the next day on the loo.

Lovely lady, definitely not senile, full of beans, discussing the affairs of the day with great enthusiasm. As a Northern lassie I'd never encountered posh people who lived in squalor. (Jilly Cooper claimed to be the same.) A real eye opener.

Haireverywhere · 19/09/2018 21:59

I agree "do you know your house is a shit hole?" is unlikely to go down well. What do you hope to achieve? You might end up doing a lot of cleaning on your own if she's not bothered.

If you are close enough to be asking if things are OK (if there's been a decline rather and want to support her) that's different.

FermatsTheorem · 19/09/2018 21:59

Hmm, my house is a constant mess. It is small, there isn't enough space for the stuff (I'm talking the stuff you actually need, which has to be stored somewhere, like the hoover, the cat box for when the cat needs to go to the vet, DS's craft stuff, tons of DS's sports equipment, a bike that has to live indoors otherwise some fucker will steal it). I'm a single parent, I work, DS plays loads of sport so there's always washing hanging up to dry. There's furniture in the garden that requires a trip to the tip, but (because my car is teeny-tiny) that requires hiring a van, and I just haven't got my act together.

The kitchen and bathroom are clean though. The mess - well, pre-DC I had a tidy house. Now, unless someone can give me a Harry-Potter-style time turner, it isn't going to happen. Very glad I don't have judgemental friends. (Well, I suspect I may have one, but she's too nice to actually say anything.)

Tillytrotter123 · 19/09/2018 22:01

I have a friend like this, her cats eat off the table (she has 7), it stinks of cat wee, there are 2 weeks worth of pots on the side, it’s absolutely filthy. I went around to help her and got a sitter for my DD and a week later it was exactly the same so I won’t do it again. I would only say something if you are prepared to help her, it could be overwhelming for her.

itsalldyingout · 19/09/2018 22:04

Gwenhwyfar Damp is mostly caused by the way you live.

I rented a house for 6 years, no damp problems at all. My friend took over the tenancy and within 6 months it was black.

I kept the property warm but ventilated. Never dried clothes on radiators or in rooms with no ventilation. Normal way of living for me and common sense as I'm asthmatic and mold-spore sensitive.

My friend only tried to heat one room at a time, never opened widows, dried soaking washing on the radiators when they were on.

She moaned about the house then moved into another property. Every property she's moved into she's wrecked with the way she chooses to live. I visit her when she moves in, then stop as the houses gradually get worse. I always help her move, though (as much as I can).

I've pointed out ways she could help stop her houses getting damp, but she won't have it. Her latest disaster has been running a vented tumble dryer in her kitchen without a vent!

She's lucky there's no such thing as a bad tenant registry or she'd never get a house.

OP are you close enough to be direct with her about her living conditions?

MissusGeneHunt · 19/09/2018 22:05

@GoingToInfinity thank you, I'm well aware of that, I am fully knowledgeable about MH conditions. My point is, why leap immediately to that assumption, not to dismiss it out of hand. Other factors need to be considered. I was commenting on the previous poster's mention of it.

WeWantJustice · 19/09/2018 22:06

Offer to help or shut up.

xJessica · 19/09/2018 22:19

I have a friend like this. Her house is absolutely vile. There is stuff everywhere- it's not unusual to find odd shoes, empty boxes, her kids' pants, bowls, towels and other totally random things all over the living room floor. You have to move piles of dirty washing and plates of food that are so old the food is stuck to them, so that you can sit down. No soap in the bathroom or kitchen. Her kitchen floor is just one huge pile of dirty washing and there are dishes everywhere. I just couldn't live like that but I never say anything to her. There are no MH issues, she's just lazy. She doesn't work but rarely goes home throufh the day and if she does she sleeps or sits on the couch all day.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/09/2018 22:19

Clean but messy because you’re surrounded by the stuff you actually need is an entirely different prospect, Fermats

MissCharleyP · 19/09/2018 22:24

itsalldyingout I lived in a property that had a huge damp problem. All I did was sleep, breathe and eat - didn’t have a washing machine so clothes were washed and dried at a launderette. I did however have a disinterested LL (building needed work but they were holding it up as they refused to accept any of the quotes the building management got - all owners had to agree - and wanted to use their own builders to just work on their flat which the management company wouldn’t agree to), storage heaters that just aren’t adequate for heating a property and they never get warm enough to dry out damp, I couldn’t ventilate the property much as 1) it was freezing cold even with windows shut and 2) I was on the ground floor and out of the flat for at least 10 hours a day at work, my windows were old and did not have the feature where you can leave them open a crack but lock them, nor did they have trickle vents. There were no air bricks either. So full of damp, but not of my making and nothing I could do about it.

Echobelly · 19/09/2018 22:27

Sounds to me like they might just issues with the house and not much money and time to fix them - damp's v expensive to deal with, maybe if something's up with a carpet they had to remove a bit, but can't afford to replace etc. And the shoes thing is just anywhere there's kids IMO.

I'm sure they know it's not looking great - I'd perhaps mention do they have any plans to decorate/do up the house or something and if she has problems to open up about, let her, and maybe offer to help - offer to come round to help paint etc?

BriKelly10 · 19/09/2018 22:36

Haven't read the entire post so sorry if this has already been asked, but how close are you to her? If my best friend's house was like that and I had some free time I would offer to help redecorate or tidy up, if she was a friend that's not so close I might subtly hint that she needed to step up on the housework but unless she was serving tea with dirty mugs from the sink water I probably wouldn't say anything but offer to spend time with her at mine instead. (I had a friend at uni who invited people round for tea, and then pulled the mugs and plates from her sink water, dried them on underwear from her laundry and asked if I had ocd when I asked her to wash them properly/offered to clean them myself/ started bringing my own mugs)

twattymctwatterson · 19/09/2018 22:36

What exactly would you say op? Her landlord has tried to deal with it and she's taken no notice. Do you just want to shame her?

charlestonchaplin · 19/09/2018 22:42

You say in the title that her house is extremely dirty but go on to describe a shabby home. That's not the same thing. I am quite appalled that someone else used the term 'squalor'. Do you even know the meaning of that word Turd? Of course, a home can be both shabby and dirty but you haven't mentioned much dirt OP.

And sometimes no matter how much you clean, a place in need of refurbishment will still look dirty. Refurbishment isn't easy for many. If you have to DIY, you may find it a very slow process. It certainly is for me. If your friend was savvier she wouldn't have let you into her home in the first place.

itsalldyingout · 19/09/2018 22:50

MissCharleyP I did say mostly

Some properties will suffer damp due to the way they're built or if they need maintenance.

I agree that it's a pain having to open windows when it's cold, but if you don't want mould that's the price you have to pay. Mine get opened in the morning as soon as I'm up and dressed, stay open while family gets ready, then closed before work. That half hour of ventilation is crucial.

I've got gas CH, but have lived in properties with storage heaters and never had a problem (older properties that were renovated with steel windows that howled draughts).

No one wants to spend more money than absolutely necessary on heating, but biting the bullet and spending more money on heating, or if your storage heaters aren't doing it, adding oil-filled rads would be a priority for me. Small cost for long-term health.

Marie0 · 19/09/2018 22:59

Sounds pretty disgusting- although I’m not sure your friend would appreciate and comments- have you tried dropping hints?

My ex SiL was like this with 2 young children- it turned my stomach to see them crawling around the floor amongst all the dirt and dog hair ☹️

MaryPeary · 20/09/2018 00:28

How about "I'm taking a few things to the tip - I can fit in a bit more, so would you like me to take some of that stuff in your garden?"

Check with the council how much they charge for large item collection. Round here it's quite good - much cheaper than a rubbish clearance man, and they usually come within the week. Then you can say
"Did you know the council will take that old sofa away for £10? I can send you the link for the page to book it on their site if you like."
See how she responds to that before sticking your neck out further !

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