Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

About friend's extremely dirty house

67 replies

Sequinsglitter · 19/09/2018 20:57

I've been to my friend's house many times however everytime i go over the house seems to get messier and messier. Ripped off wallpaper, damp on the walls, half the carpet missing on the stairs, there's always shoes everywhere, a cracked window, furniture chucked into the garden. Just general mess all over the house. WIBU to say something?

OP posts:

Katedotness1963 · 20/09/2018 00:42

I grew up in a house like that. My mother preferred to sit on the couch reading her library books than clean. Her and my dad both drank and smoked. There was no money for nice things. The damp never got sorted because she didn’t want to let the council in to fix it because of the state of the place. No mental health problems, she just didn’t care.

Thisnamechanger · 20/09/2018 00:45

dishes from breakfast in the sink (I went round after lunch)

Who cares?

RedneckStumpy · 20/09/2018 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Twombly · 20/09/2018 01:23

Sounds like my house. We work all the hours god sends and just don't have the time for housework or DIY, even if we had the money, which we don't. I like to cook and keep the kitchen clean against a perpetual tide of chaos from husband and teenagers, but the rest of my house is like something out of the last days of Pompeii. It's not because I'm lazy (I'm not) or don't care if I live like a pig - actually it drives me mental, but I just. don't. have. time to be slave to 4 men, even if I wanted to (I don't).

I am always blown away by the snotty judgements expressed on these (weirdly frequent) threads. What horrible people you are. One day, when the kids have left to mess up their own houses, and DH has departed for the great celestial hoarder's paradise shithole in the sky, I'll live in a clean, ordered and uncluttered home and I hope no one who's been secretly making judgements like this about me will have the fucking nerve to come round and expect my hospitality.

JellieEllie · 20/09/2018 01:42

I know someone who is a single parent, is having to work 3 jobs, doesn't receive a penny in benefits to help her, (has been left in a lot of debt from her ex husband and didn't receive child maintenance while her child was still young enough to claim for).
She struggles to make ends meet once she has paid off all of her rent, bills, debt, and food for the month she is left with practically nothing.
Through no fault of her own she needed all of the downstairs flooring taken up due to severe damp issues. The social housing she is with refused to help her pay for new flooring. She has got damp up one wall yet she has been onto the council many many times to help her with this.
The house was already in a state of disarray when she moved in ie old furniture in her garden that didn't belong to her, ripped wallpaper, rusty toilet and sink in her bathroom, concrete floor in the hallway, a rotten garden gate, dead lawn.
No matter how much she ever tries to save up pennies each month and get on top of this herself she continuously struggles to even afford the most basic of decorating items. Her house is as clean as it could be but still looks a mess when you walk in and can smell the damp.
Rather than judging her I feel my heart break for her that she cannot seem to get out of this situation on her own. She is constantly exhausted from all the hours she works and she looks and sounds like a broken woman whenever she talks about her home.

Maybe your friend could do with some help to get things together in her home, rather than being judged on something she may have no control over. It isn't always a case of someone just being dirty and lazy!

PeapodBurgundy · 20/09/2018 02:32

Ours is in similar condition at the moment. We just bought it, it needs doing up, and do to a combination of unfortunate circumstances and a shotty solicitor, I was 37 weeks pregnant by the time we got the keys. We're now renovating with a 2 year old and a newborn. OH works 12 hour shifts. It's a slow process. Sometimes things are shitty for a while, it doesn't mean I'm not aware/have mental health issues/don't care. It's simply that things are going to take time to get put into order, and time is thin on the ground at present.
Could there be similar issues for your friend? I know she's in a rental, but she could be mid way through doing a bit of sprucing up on a cosmetic level if she's a long term tenant?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 20/09/2018 06:49

I don’t think Everyone messy has MH !
Au contraire

But sometimes when it changes and gets so bad - could be depression of some type

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 20/09/2018 07:18

My place is a complete state. It's a symptom of the depression I've suffered for years and even though I know it's a state and can see the mess, I feel unable to do anything about it. I've become mostly blind to it. It's easy to just step over stuff or not see it on a daily basis. When my dishwasher broke down I had weeks worth of stuff piling up in the sink and kitchen counters as I couldn't cope with the washing up. Now the dishwasher is fixed at least that bit isn't as bad, but my living room looks like something out of a hoarders hell as I have no storage (ground floor flat with no loft, no shed etc) and it costs a fortune to rent even a tiny storage unit near where I live. At least I don't have damp though, that I couldn't deal with.

HisBetterHalf · 20/09/2018 09:55

do you think the son is causing this, broken window, ripped paper etc

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 20/09/2018 09:59

You seem to have a few very petty concerns (where the shoes are, breakfast dishes in the sink at lunch time) mixed in with genuinely concerning issues (wallpaper, carpets, damp).

I definitely agree that you should only mention it if you're genuinely wanting to help. If you just want to let her know that her house is a state and you're looking down on it don't bother.

Original poster

Sequinsglitter · 20/09/2018 12:17

She is a close friend and i would be willing to help her. I know some of the damage was down to her older DS's years ago

OP posts:

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 20/09/2018 12:54

In that case why not gently say

Hey friend I can’t actually move in here right now ! HOw we do a de clutter day - I am happy to drive to the dump ?

I know how decluteeting and cleaning is daunting and how good we feel afterwards

You have to decide though . I have a dear friend who just happily lives in grime and Mess . She might be happy

Yabbers · 20/09/2018 18:59

She probably hasn't noticed. Point it out to her and she will be grateful.

😂😂😂😂😂.

CSIblonde · 20/09/2018 20:13

If it used to be ok but things have gone downhill I'd offer to help, as I'd think she doesn't see it/it overfaces her, or maybe she's depressed. If she's not happy you offer then she's just no pride in her home & I'd leave it. Can she charity shop any junk? Bleach & open windows will keep damp at bay for now & LL has legal safety requirement & duty of care to sort: or you can ring dept of environment at Council. If there's large items do you know anyone with a car or van who could run it to a tip? A can of white paint & a wall paper scraper once the damps sorted wouldn't cost too much & would really help.

BlancheM · 20/09/2018 21:21

If she owned the house and seemed otherwise healthy I wouldn't say anything.
As it's rented, I would point it out in the context of asking why the landlord isn't doing anything about his responsibilities. And offer to look up her tenant rights with her. That way the judgment isn't on her.

Jux · 02/10/2018 14:37

Just meet her away from her house. One day, she may well mention the mess and then you can offer to help. Mean it, though.

SoyDora · 02/10/2018 14:44

dishes from breakfast in the sink (I went round after lunch)

my house is clean and tidy, but there are often breakfast dishes in the sink until after lunch. I just don’t always have time to deal with them in the morning rush, then we’re out until the afternoon. I deal with them later.
If breakfast dishes in the sink after lunch is a sign of slovenliness then I’m in trouble!

Flip

1 2 3