Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To scream for help

66 replies

Marshmellowmallow · 19/09/2018 09:54

Some of you may have read my previous post about our money troubles.

In short - my husband had an accident at a school and has been off work for some time only being paid SSP. We have fallen into debt. I have put in a claim.agaimst the school but have been told it can take months even years.

In the meantime I have got a job. I am working all the hours under the sun, sometimes 12 hour shifts. I have also taken up doing commissions for paintings as I did this at college. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have lost 2 stone in weight as I haven't been eating (partly through worry, not having any money to eat and also not having enough time) On top of this I have now come down with a sickness bug which is rife in our school.

Last night I was finishing a painting which has taken me hours to do. My DD was running in and out of the room I was working in, I repeatedly told her to stop. As I turned to put the painting on the table she ran into me and knocked it out of my hands. It's ruined and can't be salvaged. In sheer temper I pushed her out of the room and she fell over a load of toys, started crying.

My DH absolutely erupted, shouting at me. I am ashamed to say I just completely lost it, I was screaming that I can't take it any more and I told him it was over. He said to me that he wasn't the one that pushes children.

I don't even know what my AIBU is. I deal with everything financially. I have been the one making the claim, speaking to our bills providers to give us more time. My DH hasn't a clue about any of it and leaves it all up to me. I am the one lying awake night after night worrying how we will pay and survive. My DM said to me the other day "I dont worry about because I know you will sort it" I just feel like I'm screaming in a padded cell and no one is listening.

OP posts:
Coldhandscoldheart · 19/09/2018 09:59

I know it’s the first thing anyone says, but have you been to CAB and made sure you’re getting any benefits you’re entitled to?
Any idea how long it will be before your husband can go back out to work, or should he be thinking about retraining?
Sympathies though, and whilst it’s not ideal, I’m not surprised you lost your temper, I’ve doneit over less, and perhaps she'll listen next time (she won’t).

Original poster
Marshmellowmallow · 19/09/2018 10:02

Yes we are claiming all we are entitled to, something to do with my DH has already earnt too much? I don't understand it.

His work have offered to have him back on light duties - basically create a job. My DH has turned it down which is why I suppose I'm so angry at him. He won't go back until the physio tells him he can go back to his original job

OP posts:
Twotailed · 19/09/2018 10:02

OP I am so sorry. You are clearly in a bleak and desperate place and it isn’t surprising. You are spinning too many plates.

Your DH has to step up and help you. If his accident means he can’t work at all or physically assist in the home then he must bear his share of the mental load. If he wont, you must consider whether you would be better off leaving - it sounds like it was more of a burden than a help.

Apologise to your daughter, you will feel better for it. Don’t explain or give excuses as it’s too much for a child to understand. Just acknowledge that you shouldn’t have pushed her.

You are desperately in need of help. Could your Mother help if you told her you aren’t coping?

Twotailed · 19/09/2018 10:04

Sorry, cross post. I would tell your DH he works or you leave. He is being selfish, reckless and cruel. Tell him you will have no love or respect for him if he doesn’t start supporting his family.

worknamechanged · 19/09/2018 10:04

It sounds so tough.

Can you use a food bank? Family DD could stay with for a night or day so you can focus on painting?

MissCherryCakeyBun · 19/09/2018 10:05

Please please don't punish yourself for any of this you are doing the very best you can
You need to ask for help from some places, with your Debts have a look at Step Change m.stepchange.org they are a national Debt assistance Charity and they helped me sort out my finances during a very acrimonious divorce.
Then consider going to your GP and talking about your stress levels and see what he can suggest to help.
Once those 2 are done you need to talk to your OH about his attitude to what's going on and how the lack of support is damaging to you emotionally. He needs to start bucking his ideas up about both parenting and partnering you. He may be suffering with ill health but that's absolutely no excuse for not supporting you.
Take your LO on your knee ( if they are small enough) or sit quietly with them and apologise for pushing them and say mummy was cross and sad because of the picture being ruined and that you are sorry and you didn't mean to scare them. Say that when mummy is painting they need to spend time with daddy ( and tell him this too ) so that you can concentrate and get the work done

If you get to the point it's all feeling too much please phone the Samaritans they are amazing and just having someone to talk too who won't judge you can be such a life saver

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

Sending big hugs too xx

To scream for help
QuestionableMouse · 19/09/2018 10:06

I'd sit down and lay it all out in black and white for your husband. Show him the bills. Show him the bank accounts. Don't let him get away with dumping it all on you.

wowfudge · 19/09/2018 10:06

Is there someone irl you can talk to? How are things at home now? Can you tell your husband calmly how much pressure you are under and why the ruined painting was the final straw?

Original poster
Marshmellowmallow · 19/09/2018 10:06

I feel almost a failure for asking for help. My family, especially my DM, puts emphasis on me being the strong one of the family and that I cope with whatever is thrown at me. I've kept it all to myself. When I'm lying awake at night I look over at my DH sound asleep and I just think I am so worthless

OP posts:
wowfudge · 19/09/2018 10:08

I'd be absolutely livid that he has turned down what is effectively a phased return to work and a salary instead of SSP too.

IABURQO · 19/09/2018 10:10

You need to make your DH understand the scale of the problem; he can't see the problem because you're "handling" it. But you aren't. Ask your mum to take your DD for a couple of days so you can get things more organised and focus on painting. Also schedule time for a very long sleep, it really will help. Sorry things are shit, sometimes it's darkest before the dawn and I hope brighter things are coming your way soon.

wowfudge · 19/09/2018 10:11

There's no way you are worthless OP. That's the problem with being someone who copes with things and sorts things out: other people don't see what goes into that, they think you somehow miraculously achieve things. But who helps and supports you? Your DH doesn't realise how lucky he is to have you.

wowfudge · 19/09/2018 10:12

On the offer of a return to work on light duties: did he discuss this with you or turn them down unilaterally? Did he discuss what was suggested with his physio?

tenbob · 19/09/2018 10:14

You're doing an amazing job keeping everything and everyone together

You shouldn't have to do it, but you doing it and doing it well

Agree with others, you need to have a very frank conversation with your DH and see if he will take the new light role because you can't continue with this stress level

Coldhandscoldheart · 19/09/2018 10:16

Strong people ask for help. Took me fucking years, and a moderate amount of misery to learn this. It isn’t weak to ask for help, and actually, even if it was, being weaker isn’t inherently bad.
It help sometimes if you can define what would be helpful - would it be as above, your DM taking the children for a couple of days, or would it be her paying for a supermarket shop, or a cash gift (obviously only if she could afford it). Or helping you do cleaning or something else (I’m guessing your H is a bit useless in that department too?).

Sympathies on the sick bug, I have it too. Use it as an excuse to lie in bed I disturbed for a couple of hours.

Hideandgo · 19/09/2018 10:18

You are doing amazing AND you need help. Your DH sounds like he’s checked out of any responsibility. If he doesn’t listen to a serious conversation, ask him to leave. You are getting close to being no use to anyone so you need to focus now on yourself and what you need before pandering to your DH.

itbemay · 19/09/2018 10:19

He should be going back to work on light duties! He is being VU and quite frankly lazy! You are obviously doing an amazing job and the pushing of child wasn't right but obviously as a result of being tired / stressed and trying to do too much to keep everything together. I would sit down with DH and have a proper talk. good luck OP

glenthebattleostrich · 19/09/2018 10:19

Agree with PP that your husband needs to get back to work. He needs to step up and take some of the load.

You are amazing holding all this together. You must be exhausted.

HoardingQueen · 19/09/2018 10:19

Sometimes when we in effect 'take over' doing all the crappy stuff like bills, forms etc, the other person assumes that is fine and is quite happy to let us, this is what I think has happened to you?, then the stress of this gradually creeps up and leads to a blow out, You need to apologise to your child, explaining why you were cross (the damage painting), then when things have calmed down have a frank and open chat with your husband explaining that he needs to take some responsibility, you are no longer going to deal with everything and ask him to put a plan together about dealing with things going forward. Explain your resentment to his decision re. phased return to work.Some people, like you, are obviously very capable and just carry on, but that can only be for so long, be kind to yourself, accept that you need help and start right now to give your husband stuff to address, you are far from worthless, a brilliant lady driven to breaking point and together you will work it out, hugs sent :)

dancinfeet · 19/09/2018 10:20

oh love, sounds like you are in a really tough place just now. Your husband needs to take some responsibility for this, if you are working at home and he is unable to work just now, then he needs to be at least supervising your DD during your working hours at home so that you can get on for the most part uninterrupted as your wage is essential to the household, and the extra commissioned work is an important contributing factor. Even if this means him putting on TV / DVD for her or taking her to play in the room where he is sitting / lying down. If necessary, tell him that your 'working at home' hours are essentially you being 'out' and that you are to be disturbed only in a dire emergency (or if it is something that he physically cannot do due to his injury). Him ignoring/not parenting her in these circumstances is equal to him going out and leaving her home alone. Barricade yourself in the room if necessary to get on with your painting. The other option to present to him is that you hire a room / studio / office elsewhere to work undisturbed and leave him to it with your DD - hopefully he will see the benefit to have you working these extra hours from home, and help you to create a more peaceful working environment.

Also, how old is your DD? Is she of an age to understand that it is Daddy's turn to look after her, that Mummy is busy working and any requests during that time should go to Dad? Either way, she should not be allowed to run in and out of the room near your commissioned artwork, your DH needs to step up and parent his child.

Womaningreen · 19/09/2018 10:21

shocking that he turned down an offer to get back to work

can he still take it?

tell him and your mum that you are about to collapse. can you get your mum to sit down with him and support you in this conversation?

Original poster
Marshmellowmallow · 19/09/2018 10:25

He denied the return to work before speaking with me. He only told me when he returned from his last physio session where she told him to attempt to drive and see how it feels but he said he felt like he wasn't ready.

Our relationship has always been the same. I bare the brunt of everything. Anything that goes wrong in our lives he turns to me. Usually I just get on with it but the added worry of the money, my tiredness from doing all the overtime possible and not feeling well has just left me feeling like I can't cope.

No one sees it. Someone said to me yesterday that I'm looking well because I've lost weight. I just want to scream that it's not my choice

OP posts:
Lotsofsausage · 19/09/2018 10:25

DH needs to step up and help in other ways. Managing debts, working out plans, budgeting. If you end up unable to work the to stress you will be doubly fucked. I’d be very disappointed in him choosing to allow you to physically starve rather than taking a phased return to work on a salary. What was his reason for this?
You need help, there’s no shame in admitting it. Good luck.

Original poster
Marshmellowmallow · 19/09/2018 10:26

My DD is 6. She's gone to school now but I will apologise to her when she comes home

OP posts:
Womaningreen · 19/09/2018 10:28

actually I think you should walk out for a few days - can you stay with a friend or family?

he is a total utter child from what you are describing.