To scream for help

[Marshmellowmallow]

Some of you may have read my previous post about our money troubles.

In short - my husband had an accident at a school and has been off work for some time only being paid SSP. We have fallen into debt. I have put in a claim.agaimst the school but have been told it can take months even years.

In the meantime I have got a job. I am working all the hours under the sun, sometimes 12 hour shifts. I have also taken up doing commissions for paintings as I did this at college. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have lost 2 stone in weight as I haven't been eating (partly through worry, not having any money to eat and also not having enough time) On top of this I have now come down with a sickness bug which is rife in our school.

Last night I was finishing a painting which has taken me hours to do. My DD was running in and out of the room I was working in, I repeatedly told her to stop. As I turned to put the painting on the table she ran into me and knocked it out of my hands. It's ruined and can't be salvaged. In sheer temper I pushed her out of the room and she fell over a load of toys, started crying.

My DH absolutely erupted, shouting at me. I am ashamed to say I just completely lost it, I was screaming that I can't take it any more and I told him it was over. He said to me that he wasn't the one that pushes children.

I don't even know what my AIBU is. I deal with everything financially. I have been the one making the claim, speaking to our bills providers to give us more time. My DH hasn't a clue about any of it and leaves it all up to me. I am the one lying awake night after night worrying how we will pay and survive. My DM said to me the other day "I dont worry about because I know you will sort it" I just feel like I'm screaming in a padded cell and no one is listening.

You need to tell your DH that you have stepped up to support the family team but that he has let you all down by turning down the return to work without even discussing it with you. You have to convey to him what a shitty thing that was to do to you and your DD.

womaningreen I feel as though I would be letting my DD down if I did that.

In our row last night I told him to get out and he said He wasn't the one who pushed children and it wasn't his fault. He slept on the sofa last night and when I came down this morning he had gone.

This is not your fault, it sounds to me you have taken on all the financial load plus all the mental load. This is not your fault, you had just not got any resilience left .
Agree with PP who say apologise to you DD and explain in age appropriate way you are sorry and shouldn’t have pushed her.
Your DH is selfish not to have taken the return to work offer, although he has my sympathy in terms of his accident and injury. In my LA ( I am assuming it’s an LA school) the policy is to get people to return to work with support if they can , as the longer you are away the ‘harder’ it is to get back to the routines and activity of work IYSWIM. Has he just got too used to being at home? He is being very selfish not to have considered this tbh OR to not consider retraining or another job.
Talk to him and talk to your mum and ask for her support or at least to have someone to listen. Good luck.

He needs a bit of a shock to wake him up to the situation. You have looked after him for long enough.

If physio thinks he is safe to attempt to drive then he is capable of returning to light duties at work.

How does he justify sitting at home why you are at breaking point?

she told him to attempt to drive and see how it feels but he said he felt like he wasn't ready.

Hmmm.....I'd be on him like a ton of bricks over this. He should do as the physio suggests or he will delay his recovery, that's the whole point of having the physio, to tell him when his body is ready to step up to the next thing.

And of course he should take up the offer of light duties - if not, his employer may find they have no use for his services at all and he may get dismissed. He can at least try it, even if they agree, say, he does a few days each week with SSP (which will run out soon) on the other days.

He sounds like a lazy fucker and I'd really struggle to stay with him. Actually, I wouldn't be able to stay with him at all.

There is no shame in needing help. You need moral and emotional support too as everything is falling on your shoulders. People have given some good advice. One thing I can say is if you are going ahead with a claim, keep receipts for expenses that have occurred since your husband's accident eg taxi fares to hospital, physio etc.

So what is he doing whilst he isn't at work???

I am shocked he's refused to return on light duties when financially you are in dire straits!

Your husband sounds self centred. I think you should share with your and his parents what a terrible time you are having and ask them for practical help.
I think you need to have a frank conversation with your husband about how you feel about him turning down paid work and outline what he can do to step up in terms of keeping your ship afloat. Think about what he can do in a practical sense before the conversation so you have it clear in your mind.
Don't worry about your daughter - I think it does them good sometimes to get an understanding of the result of their actions. She was repeatedly asked to stop running in and out of the room. Perhaps you need to be more firm with her - don't ask, tell/instruct!
Hopefully your husband will have had time to reflect and come back in a frame of mind that is more supportive.

Your DH needs to step up and accept the light duties job. You physically and mentally cannot take all of this on on your own.

Please get in touch with CAB or the GP for a food bank referral so you can eat enough to keep yourself healthy.

I’d agree with a PP that maybe some time away would be useful to reassess the relationship. He sounds like a lazy man child.

Whilst I have sympathy for him that he has had an accident I think that is a red herring in my opinion.
Your update has mentioned he has always been like this and you have always bore the work of keeping everything and everyone going.

That is not a relationship and it isn't a nice life!

I'm not telling you to leave but really think about what that would mean. I see that it means your doing everything you do now except you'll have more money because you'll be entitled to benefit support while you get on your feet and you won't have to sort, think, or look after another adult on top!
You sound at breaking point, you must get some support (gp etc) and you need to have a proper and honest chat with your mum (if you feel she can be supportive) then your dp.

Things have to change my lovely because your not coping and it's going to make you ill.

Op is it possible that given that he’s focusing on one action from you that you may need to consider protecting yourself from him making accusations against you?

I have thought of that Needsasock he will probably use thus against me for the rest of my life now

You’re DH is an arse

Throwing you pushing your child out the way which resulted in her falling (which I’m assuming was a one off) was just a way of him redirecting from that fact he’s taking no responsibility and being a waste of space. A good DH would hopefully of seen your accident (because that’s what it was it wasn’t intentional) as a wake up call highlighting how stressed out you are.

He’s got up and gone (where to as it’s not work!). So he’s not planning on dealing with the actual problem.

I’d sit him down and take him through the financials, highlight it is now affecting your health (mental & physical). Say he needs to contact work to see if it’s still possible to take up lighter workload. If he’s not willing to do this (ie work together to solve the problem). I would personally look to leave permanently.

If he is on sick from work he is entitled to esa on top of any sick pay he is getting, as long as he can get a sick not from gp. It's approximately 300 a month.

do you think he might be trying to get out of working full stop so you will do it all?

I take your point about letting down your DD, can you take her with you?

really he should get out. Certainly if you are doing anything for him - cooking, laundry - stop immediately.

Also it can be backdated for three months

The more you've posted the more I am wondering what you get from the relationship OP? It's at tough times that you find out what people are really made of and your DH seems to have checked out of everything instead of doing what he could/should. There's only so long anyone can tolerate a 'woe is me attitude' that impacts on everyone else.

How dare he just refuse the phased return without even discussing it? How dare he sleep peacefully at nights leaving all the worry and work to you? No wonder you snapped and pushed your DD - what was he doing whilst you were asking her not to run in and out of the room? Then he thinks that HE has the moral high ground because "he isn't the one who pushes children". He just isn't the one who has been driven to breaking point that's why. However, he is the one who blithely turns down paid work and leaves looking after said daughter to you. He's the one who knows better than his physio about what the next steps in his rehabilitation are or who is just bone idle - and all this needs addressing.

How fucking dare he play the blame game with you after letting you drive yourself to the brink.

Obviously you need to spend some time with you DD making it up to her - lots of cuddles - but that doesn't let him off.

He wasn't there this morning - where has he gone then? Obviously he is well enough to do some things.

You need to not be hard on yourself. And you must start off-loading some of your load to him. He's not a child.

He is being an arse and needs to get back to work (of some sort somewhere) soonest. He's being incredibly unfair.

I think at six your dd is old enough for an explanation that by keep running about when she’d been asked not to, she ruined something that you’d put time and effort into.
I haven’t read everyone’s suggestions but if you have a mortgage could you take a break? Have you anything to sell? Anyone who could loan? I think it’s time to tell your DM you’re not coping, and need help.
I really feel for you.
No one should be going hungry in Britain in 2018.
Hope things improve soon for you.

OP where was he when you were painting why was he not looking after your DD

Your have reached a breaking point - you now need to look at making sure it is not going to happen again and that revolves around getting help and other people sttepping up

No comment other than your husband sounds like an enormous child, basically.

Why wasn't he taking care of your daughter so that she wasn't running in and out of the room, disturbing you while you worked? I would not take the blame for that, OP - he is a lazy arse and he is expecting you to do absolutely everything.

I don't have anything new to add that hasn't already been said. But OP do not beat yourself up about pushing your DD. You obviously feel terrible which shows you are a god mom, just under incredible pressure. I've done similar without half of the stress you are under. It feels horrible.

Your OH needs to step up, it does sound like he is using his injury as an excuse to take a break, at your expense. I find it implausible that he cannot take on the light duties role. If you have taken on commissioned art to help the finances, why hasn't he found something he can do within his physical limitations (assuming he actually has any!)?

He is playing the guilt card saying at least he doesn't push children to make you feel like you're the one to blame, to distract from his own failures as a partner. He clearly knows he is being an ass and he doesn't seem to care, he is happy for you to take it all.

Out of curiosity, what kind of paintings do you do?

OP, I would recommend you contact Social Services immediately and tell them you pushed your child due to overwork and stress, tell them you are scared that you did this and desperately need support. You should be assigned a social worker, who may actually provide some decent support, but more importantly it shows you took the appropriate action if your husband seeks to use this one lapse against you. Don't worry they will take her away from you - parents have done far worse, for far less, repeatedly, and never even had it suggested their child should be taken away. You will barely be a blip on their radar for this one impulsive mistake, but by seeking help for it you are keeping your nose clean and possibly accessing what support there may be to be had.

More importantly though, don't be a martyr to other people's expectations. It's very easy for them to say "Oh Marshmellow always copes so well" - as then they don't have to do anything. Don't allow that.

Be upfront with your mother, and ask for any help she can afford to give you, practical or financial. Failure doesn't come into it, you're drowning and you have to get whatever help you can for your daughter's sake. If it makes you feel any better, make it all about her and what she needs - food on the table, bills paid, some focussed time with a non-stressed adult. Ask for her.

And as for your &^(%ing husband... Sit him down and tell him you called SS about the pushing and are awaiting their feedback and a plan (that will knock that little catchall comeback on the head). Then make him listen as you outline the full scale of the problem. Then show him how the pay he would have had from returning to light duties would resolve it.

Tell him if he refuses to do so he is effectively condemning his own child to poverty or neglect, as you can't sustain this current workload and be a good mother. You are not a superhuman. He has responsibilities, that do not go away because he has an injury. You are not asking him to go back down the mines with a broken back; just to take the generous offer to return to work he can manage.

Tell him if he will not do this, he clearly does not care for either you or his child, you can no longer love and support someone like that and you want him to move out as he is not contributing any practical or emotional support and is dragging you down with him.

Frankly I'd chuck him anyway, he sounds like a vindictive manchild.

Seriously though, the world is shitting on you right now - do not draw any more shit to yourself, you can't afford it just for the ego-boost of being the one everyone relies on and praises for 'coping'. Let go of that role, embrace your human side and your limitations, be upfront about them and protect yourself - and most importantly by doing this protect your daughter. If you carry on as you are, you will break again and she may well be in the line of fire.