To scream for help

[Marshmellowmallow]

Some of you may have read my previous post about our money troubles.

In short - my husband had an accident at a school and has been off work for some time only being paid SSP. We have fallen into debt. I have put in a claim.agaimst the school but have been told it can take months even years.

In the meantime I have got a job. I am working all the hours under the sun, sometimes 12 hour shifts. I have also taken up doing commissions for paintings as I did this at college. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have lost 2 stone in weight as I haven't been eating (partly through worry, not having any money to eat and also not having enough time) On top of this I have now come down with a sickness bug which is rife in our school.

Last night I was finishing a painting which has taken me hours to do. My DD was running in and out of the room I was working in, I repeatedly told her to stop. As I turned to put the painting on the table she ran into me and knocked it out of my hands. It's ruined and can't be salvaged. In sheer temper I pushed her out of the room and she fell over a load of toys, started crying.

My DH absolutely erupted, shouting at me. I am ashamed to say I just completely lost it, I was screaming that I can't take it any more and I told him it was over. He said to me that he wasn't the one that pushes children.

I don't even know what my AIBU is. I deal with everything financially. I have been the one making the claim, speaking to our bills providers to give us more time. My DH hasn't a clue about any of it and leaves it all up to me. I am the one lying awake night after night worrying how we will pay and survive. My DM said to me the other day "I dont worry about because I know you will sort it" I just feel like I'm screaming in a padded cell and no one is listening.

I would ask you to double check that you are receiving everything you can. The CAB will help you. Do you rent or own? If the former, there are special funds in the councils to help cover all of your rent for a short to medium term. If mortgage you can apply for a mortgage break. PP says ESA, and if he needs a Dr's note, it will become clear whether he is being honest or not about his ability to work.

Pushing your DD over is not ideal. You can't continue at the stress levels you currently feel. Who can you bring in to help relieve the pressure? Someone to look after your child once a week for a short play date or something?

I think you need a heart to heart with DH about how you are going to cope for the foreseeable future. Or to get an idea of when he feels he COULD return to light duties? If he is willing to see in, say, two weeks, if he is up to it, that is a lot easier to deal with than not knowing for a longer period.

Sorry - meant to add that if he had truly been concerned with you pushing your DD, he wouldn't have gone out and left you alone with her would he?

Having an injury doesn't mean you get to behave like an arse.

I have nothing useful to add, just wanted to give you my support. DH sounds as if he needs to step up and not offload all responsibility onto you, but who knows what is going on in his mind and what he is thinking and why he is taking the easy option.

I’m so sorry op this sounds so stressful it’s making me want to scream for you.

I don’t have any practical advice. Just wanted to say you’re amazing and doing an incredible job.

I’m so angry on your behalf your dh seems to think he can offload everything onto you. And actually I’m angry with your mum too. Who sees their daughter lose two stone, work two jobs whilst their partner is off sick and doesn’t at least ask if they’re ok and if can they help.

Sorry - re-reading.
When you woke up this morning he had gone.... where and how, if he can't drive?
If he can make his own way wherever when he is out of sorts with you, he can get his butt to a job, surely?

What a lazy man child, it sounds like he's just using his injury as an excuse to not do Anything. I can't believe he turned down a chance to go back to work when they very kindly carved out a role for him.

To me that's grounds to leave considering you're working 12 hour days and have lost weight due to not being able to afford food. What a bastard.

You poor thing. Your husband should be back on light duties. You need to spell out in no uncertain terms how dire it is £ wise & tell him this is a partnership & you don't let one person shoulder the burden til they crack under the strain. Is there any way you can have regular adult downtime, playdate, sleepover, grandparent visit? Please don't beat yourself up. If your painting brings in £, your DD needs supervising while you do it (& can you put a latch on the door just in case for that time)?

I've been to the doctors as I've had the shakes the past few days and my vision got a funny from time to time. I've got low blood pressure which he said is due to stress. I'm going to speak to my DH when he eventually returns

OP, your DH, sadly, sounds like an arsehole.

He's happy to leave you doing everything and isn't bothered by you working so, so hard. He really needs a reality check here.

I've nothing useful to add to PPs I'm afraid, but just wanted to offer a "handhold"

Your dh sounds selfish, very selfish.

Yes your dd needs apologising to and likewise she needs to apologise for misbehaving and ruining the picture you were working on.

You need to be blunt and honest with your husband. He needs to step up.

Where is he gone? He sounds like a tool. I would too be completely stressed out in your situation.
I hope he steps up

Tell your DH to get a grip and go back to work on light duties.

His physio says it's ok to give driving a try. I don't feel ready doesn't cut it. Tell him to man up and get behind the wheel

Is he doing any of the 'wife work' whilst you are doing all the 'breadwinner work'?

Why can't he do any of the chasing up? Even if you have to give him a list of things to do.

If you are working, then he should be keeping DD occupied and out of your way.

It's hardly surprising that you are at breaking point. You don't seem to be getting any support. Just because he is still convalescencing, doesn't mean he gets to do sweet FA. He should be making as much a contribution to easing both family finances and your stress, as is possible. ie: going back to work/light household duties.

You need an evening off with

Hope he has when he returns.

You sound utterly exhausted. Your dh sounds like a selfish sod. Him returning to work should have been a conversation not an immediate NO whilst you work yourself into the ground. I’m known as quite strong. I have two children with Sen and Work 20 hours a week and find it hard to speak up to say I’m struggling.

PP have said all that needs to say really, but how do you have any respect at all for this pathetic man?

I'm struggling to see what on earth you get out of this relationship.

Putting all of the other issues to one side for the moment - is he getting legal advice re his compensation claim?

When I was injured in a car accident my solicitor was very clear that I had to be seen to be mitigating my losses so that meant following all medical advice and returning to work, even on light duties, as soon as I was advised to so that my loss of earnings claim was as low as possible.

That didn't mean rushing back before I was ready but it did mean don't take a year off when you only needed 6 months.

Don't take my word for it, my solicitor might have been wrong, but maybe bear in mind that his refusal to try driving or accept light duties at work might affect his compensation. Definitely seek some advice.