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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about partner taking coke?

66 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 18/09/2018 23:22

Last weekend I saw my partner of one year absolutely sht faced w**ered on coke.

He had previously told me he used to do it years ago quite heavily, but once he settled down with his ex wife and had kids he stopped - mainly because she banned him from it.

I put it down to a historical blip in his youth and thought nothing more of it. Until last weekend. I have never seen anyone so wasted. It started off as few friends round his for a drink, then the weed came out - which I was ok with - then the coke.

They tried to talk me into taking it - put a little line in front of me - but I refused. I have 2 kids for Christ's sake - and what was worse, was that his 2 kids were asleep upstairs. I was terrified that they would wake up in the night - so I stayed sober. I felt completely out of my depth, and the state he was in scared me.

I have fallen in love with this man quite deeply - but after that night - I lost a little respect for him. Previously I thought him perfect in every way.

My gut reaction is to leave him. I have no idea if he's used while we've been together, and I feel that he is a big boy - he shouldn't need any "it's me or the drugs" ultimatum - especially after his ex wife did it all those years ago.

My main reason is that I don't want it in my life. I don't want my kids around it. And I never want to see him - or anyone - in that state again.

I just have to ask - AIBU? - am I being too harsh right now? - I feel wretched and horrible and heartbroken, can't sleep over it all.

OP posts:

garethsouthgatesmrs · 18/09/2018 23:24

his 2 kids were asleep upstairs

Yes I would leave him for using anyway but doing it when he has his kids would make it ten times worse for me.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/09/2018 23:26

I'm very anti drugs and personally in your situation I would leave. I think it's bad enough anyway but his children were upstairs and that's awful.

Would you ever be able to trust him with your kids on his own? I personally don't think you are being harsh.

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 18/09/2018 23:27

I know it's stupid but I googled it. The general consensus was to "stay and help them" but he's in his 40's - he's not a kid. I just can't see any other way out of this than finishing. I'm just so gutted.

OP posts:

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 23:27

Definitely not too harsh. End it. This is a deal breaker with bells on.

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 23:28

Stay and help is shit advice.

Didn't sound to me like he wanted help to stop. He wanted you to join in. Fuck that.

weetafix · 18/09/2018 23:30

I would be out of there in an instant and I would also inform the children's mother about what happened! It will likely happen again and who knows they might wake up next time or heaven forbid even touch any that's left lying around.
Plus they would also be able to smell the weed in the house which I also think is vile for a child to smell/breathe in.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/09/2018 23:30

He doesn't want help, he wants you to join him.

Those poor kids deserve an awful lot better and so do you.

keepingbees · 18/09/2018 23:30

A drugs party basically whilst your kids were upstairs. Nice. And if you had got equally as wasted who would have dealt with the children, did he think of that. Sorry no it would be a deal breaker for me. Please don't put this in your children's lives.

Sparklyfee · 18/09/2018 23:33

You were ok with the weed? With children asleep upstairs?

That alone would have me leaving him

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 18/09/2018 23:34

I have to say - not that it really makes the situation better - drug use was done in the garden - nothing was smoked indoors. And I was like a woman possessed with dettol cleaning everything. I was so worried about the kids - it's the only reason I stayed.

OP posts:

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 18/09/2018 23:36

I’m so sorry, you must be feeling like shite about this.
You really have to get out now.
There are young children involved. It really is not going to get any better, quite the opposite.
You’ve lost respect for him, well that’s a start. How about you take a little step back and take a look at the situation you are in. It’s very frightening.
Taking coke with kids in the house, offering you a line, being disgustingly wasted, not really very appealing is it?
Please, please take a deep breath and get this man out of your (and dc) life. It won’t be easy.
Part of me is scared that you’re going to ‘give him another chance’
He’s had that and fucked it

TheQueef · 18/09/2018 23:38

Offering you a line.

That part speaks volumes.

Walk away now before you get any deeper.

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 18/09/2018 23:41

Aintnothing - I am too old, and had too many bad relationships to stay. Its just that it's not something I want to discuss with friends and family - strangers give you a straight answer whether you like it or not. I was just trying to make sure I was doing the right thing - that I wasn't overreacting. I'm just gutted - I thought he was the one. FML!

OP posts:

garethsouthgatesmrs · 18/09/2018 23:41

My main reason is that I don't want it in my life. I don't want my kids around it. And I never want to see him - or anyone - in that state again

If you stay you will end up here again in a few weeks or months and it will be even harder to leave. I think you will tell him you are leaving, he will promise to stop and you will stay. In 3 months time you will find out he has been using and try and leave again. The cycle will continue and continue. Best get out now,m before your lives become more entangled.

flossietoot · 18/09/2018 23:45

So he was taking coke whilst having his kids to stay. I would put a cause for concern into social work. What happens the weekends you aren’t there? he isn’t a great guy- he is a w.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 18/09/2018 23:46

Dave again I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please stay strong here. You sound like a strong lady who’s seen some crap and dealt with it too. Stick with it. You don’t have to discuss it with anyone you don’t want to. I can tell you know what you have to do.
Thinking of you and sending strength x

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 18/09/2018 23:47

garethsouthgatesmrs - I agree completely. I have worked with women who were addicts - I know they lie - to themselves and everyone around them. My kids have already been through so much - I can't do it - I just can't - it's not fair on them, or me.

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 18/09/2018 23:53

Bit hypocritical of me because I did it a lot when I was younger and have done two lines myself in the last year now aged in my 30s but it was with my partner and we don’t have any children to look after. I think it’s incredibly selfish to get wasted to beyond the state a partner gets scared and whilst children were upstairs and potentially needing looking after.

Was it his first time in a year or do you suspect he has done it in whilst you weren’t there? Either way, YANBU, you do not want it in yours or your children’s life and you shouldn’t have to. FWIW I won’t do it again. I’m sure of it. From what was fun in my teens and early 20s felt fun and when I did it last year felt fun at the time until the next day when it took multiple miserable days to get over whereas when younger I could just shake it off by food and a trip to the pub. If someone is doing it in their 40s to the extent that it ended a marriage with kids, I wouldn’t want to stay involved in a relationship like that either.

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 18/09/2018 23:55

Thank you everyone who took the time to respond - I knew the answer already, but these things are so much harder if there's doubt - so the fact that you all agree is all the certainty I need. 💔

OP posts:

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 18/09/2018 23:57

Good luck Dave really sorry he turned out not to be ‘the one’
You sound worth so much more x

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 18/09/2018 23:59

MissionItsPossible - I have not lived a perfect existance either - but again back in my teens/20's. I have no idea if he's used while being with me - but I certainly have never seen anyone this fucked up before. It was horrible and scary.

OP posts:

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 19/09/2018 00:00

Aintnothingbutaheartache - thank you - I really do appreciate your help and support xx

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 19/09/2018 00:00

So sorry this has happened to you but well done for knowing when to cut your losses.

But do, if you possibly can, tell the children's mother.

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 19/09/2018 00:02

Coyoacan - I will do - for their sake xx

OP posts:

Fabricwitch · 19/09/2018 00:03

YANBU, it would be a deal breaker for me and I might even let his ex wife know he was putting their kids in that situation

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