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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about partner taking coke?

66 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 18/09/2018 23:22

Last weekend I saw my partner of one year absolutely sht faced w**ered on coke.

He had previously told me he used to do it years ago quite heavily, but once he settled down with his ex wife and had kids he stopped - mainly because she banned him from it.

I put it down to a historical blip in his youth and thought nothing more of it. Until last weekend. I have never seen anyone so wasted. It started off as few friends round his for a drink, then the weed came out - which I was ok with - then the coke.

They tried to talk me into taking it - put a little line in front of me - but I refused. I have 2 kids for Christ's sake - and what was worse, was that his 2 kids were asleep upstairs. I was terrified that they would wake up in the night - so I stayed sober. I felt completely out of my depth, and the state he was in scared me.

I have fallen in love with this man quite deeply - but after that night - I lost a little respect for him. Previously I thought him perfect in every way.

My gut reaction is to leave him. I have no idea if he's used while we've been together, and I feel that he is a big boy - he shouldn't need any "it's me or the drugs" ultimatum - especially after his ex wife did it all those years ago.

My main reason is that I don't want it in my life. I don't want my kids around it. And I never want to see him - or anyone - in that state again.

I just have to ask - AIBU? - am I being too harsh right now? - I feel wretched and horrible and heartbroken, can't sleep over it all.

OP posts:
Fruitbatdancer · 19/09/2018 07:17

I’ll caveat this by saying I am VERY anti drugs.
This is a complete deal breaker.
I’d be ending it, and I’d be telling his EX that he did this with kids upstairs, that you looked out for them, but you won’t be again because you’ve binned him.
LTB. If not for you, then for your kids.

PositiveVibez · 19/09/2018 07:27

It makes me feel sick that a group of grown men could act like this when there are kids in the house. Imagine if they got up.

What an absolute irresponsible wanker and yes. I would be telling his ex that he has mates round while her children are entrusted in his care and gets absolutely wasted.

The useless sack of shit.

LEMtheoriginal · 19/09/2018 07:31

He comes to your house and gets wasted on weed and coke with his mates? (The weed would be a deal breaker for me actually)

He has zero respect for you - dump him

SandyY2K · 19/09/2018 07:43

There's no good reason to stay with such a man after that.

boddtm · 19/09/2018 07:55

@Davegrohlsnewwife Fast-forward 5 years to if/when you have kids. Would you be comfortable leaving him alone with them overnight?
I think you either have to get him to get help, or leave.
Sorry you're going through this Thanks

Dragongirl10 · 19/09/2018 08:05

Op be glad you are not married to him....sad as you feel you have no reasonable choice but to leave( and let his childrens mother know)

He is 40 for gods sake!

Childrenofthestones · 19/09/2018 09:10

You were given a little window into your future.
Is it the future you want?
If not don't ignore it.

HidingFromMyKids · 19/09/2018 09:26

It's one thing to live your life how you wish when you are childless but they were upstairs! Countless things can go wrong in this scenario.

Are you sure they were asleep? My house is small so my DC wouldn't even sleep if people were downstairs chatting but the intense conversation you describe will have been rather loud.

The previous comment about if you have children with him would you be happy for them to sleepover is a very good point.

Have you spoke to him since OP? I think you already know how this has to go.
Flowers

WineAndTiramisu · 19/09/2018 09:37

I wouldn't have a problem with him doing it, but I'd leave him and tell his ex that he got into that state whilst looking after the kids.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 19/09/2018 10:02

HidingFromMyKids - he is coming over to my house tonight so I shall tell him then. I checked on the kids a couple of times, they were asleep throughout - however I did have to keep telling people to keep the noise down. That's why most of it went on in the garden, thought who knows what neighbours thought! When everyone finally left, I went round and cleaned everything up so there was no evidence of it the next day. I remember one of them saying "god you are such a mum!" Like it was a bad thing. I just can't believe it all happened. I feel guilty too - like I should have kicked off there and then - but also people on drugs can be irrational and unpredictable - so I just stayed basically to be there in case his kids did wake up.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 19/09/2018 10:03

Are you even going to let him into the house? I'd dump on the doorstep.

arranfan · 19/09/2018 10:05

I'm with PP - walk away. I'm thrilled for this people who've managed to persuade addicts to turn their lives around but they are vastly in the minority.

Children only get one childhood - it's not up to the adults who care for them to be given multiple chances to wreck it with their addiction and its consequences.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/09/2018 10:09

Be prepared for him to make promises that he’ll never do it again and it was a one-off and he loves you so much and you’ve given him a wake up call and and and and...

Don’t be swept up in it.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 19/09/2018 10:14

I need to sit him down and tell him exactly how all of this has made me feel. It doesn't really matter what his response is, but I believe he needs to know and understand what his behaviour has done, and I need him to understand the consequences of his actions with his kids around.

I think he deserves to know that I have barely slept since for worrying. He should know that he has completely broken my heart. That I no longer respect him, and that the future we were working towards has been flushed down the toilet, all in one reckless evening.

He didn't think about his kids or me once. That's the thing. He did it regardless. And I can't ever trust him again, not around his friends certainly. I don't want to be a control freak telling him who he can or can't see, and I don't want to be left at home wondering what he's up to. That's not who I am. I trust people until they give me reason not to - well that's gone now isn't it? So there's no point even trying to salvage this.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 19/09/2018 10:30

I can understand your need to lay it out to him. Make sure you are ready for him to be completely dismissive of you. Looks like coke ended his marriage and he's still using so he is unlikely to be interested in what boring old boring you has to day. Please don't waste too much breath trying to get him to understand and accept your feelings.

LadyLaSnack · 19/09/2018 10:31
Flowers

I have quite a relaxed attitude to adults using recreational drunks (though I don’t do them myself anymore since having children).

I would be absolutely horrified by this kind of behaviour with his kids upstairs. Thank god you were there to keep an eye, keep the noise down, and to clean up afterwards.

You are doing the right thing, as heartbreaking as it is. You can never trust him around your own kids now.

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