Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU about partner taking coke?

66 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 18/09/2018 23:22

Last weekend I saw my partner of one year absolutely sht faced w**ered on coke.

He had previously told me he used to do it years ago quite heavily, but once he settled down with his ex wife and had kids he stopped - mainly because she banned him from it.

I put it down to a historical blip in his youth and thought nothing more of it. Until last weekend. I have never seen anyone so wasted. It started off as few friends round his for a drink, then the weed came out - which I was ok with - then the coke.

They tried to talk me into taking it - put a little line in front of me - but I refused. I have 2 kids for Christ's sake - and what was worse, was that his 2 kids were asleep upstairs. I was terrified that they would wake up in the night - so I stayed sober. I felt completely out of my depth, and the state he was in scared me.

I have fallen in love with this man quite deeply - but after that night - I lost a little respect for him. Previously I thought him perfect in every way.

My gut reaction is to leave him. I have no idea if he's used while we've been together, and I feel that he is a big boy - he shouldn't need any "it's me or the drugs" ultimatum - especially after his ex wife did it all those years ago.

My main reason is that I don't want it in my life. I don't want my kids around it. And I never want to see him - or anyone - in that state again.

I just have to ask - AIBU? - am I being too harsh right now? - I feel wretched and horrible and heartbroken, can't sleep over it all.

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 19/09/2018 00:03

It was horrible and scary.

I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship where things got horrible and scary. I think you know what the answer is. Sorry... but not sorry at the same time as though it may be sad/difficult to break off, I think you know for you it’s the right thing to do. Good luck 👍🏽 in whatever you decide.

Haireverywhere · 19/09/2018 00:05

Sorry OP. You're doing the right thing. Not much of a consolation now but it'll save you even greater angst in the long run.

beeefcake · 19/09/2018 00:10

Wow fuck that, who does drugs or even gets drunk with two kids upstairs? Say you were to get on it too then what would happen if there was an emergency???

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 19/09/2018 00:14

beeefcake - exactly - doesn't bear thinking about. . .

OP posts:

VanGoghsDog · 19/09/2018 00:21

My childhood friend got totally wasted like this at her 40th birthday party, I was staying over and was the only one not snorting (never have, never would). Her child was about three. She couldn't even remember getting home, paying the babysitter etc. Her friends drove home totally blotto. There was coke on the kitchen surfaces in the morning when the child got up.

I had to go nc with her. It's been ten years since then. I really struggled not to call social services and still wonder if I should have done.

Anyway, no way could I be in a relationship with someone who behaved like that. You've made the right decision.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 19/09/2018 00:23

Oh my days, such a good job that you are a strong woman and told them no, as god knows what could of happened if there was no sober person there, I think leaving him would be for the best as I doubt after all these years of doing it he will stop now.
Sorry op and good luck with everything.

WhatAPandemonium · 19/09/2018 00:33

When you say you've never seen someone so fucked up, what was he doing? Was he abusive?

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 19/09/2018 00:41

WhatAPandemonium - he wasn't abusive - he was just out of it, chewing his mouth, incoherent, didn't know where he was and unable to form a sentence. He didn't want to really speak to me, he was in a group with a load of others all standing around talking incessantly. His friend was talking to me for most of the night - but I know he was only doing that to distract me from watching my boyfriend descend into the mess.

OP posts:

PikaPikaTink · 19/09/2018 00:44

I dabbled in my youth and on very special occasions would do so now but kids upstairs???? Run for the hills. That substance has no place with children in the vicinity. They could have woken up and walked in.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/09/2018 00:50

Make sure that you tell his ex wife, you cant protect his kids from this without putting your own at risk but she can as long as she knows what is going on.

BertieBotts · 19/09/2018 00:55

You're doing the right thing.

It's not right for him to be using when he has kids upstairs for one thing - but as a second point it was extremely disrespectful simply to introduce it to you like that. Whether you agree with drug use or not (and it's really fine to take a dim view) if you want to do something which might make another person uncomfortable it would be most respectful to discuss it and ask if they are ok with it first, you don't just spring it on them. That alone tells you that he's extremely self centred without even getting into all of the myriad of things which is wrong with this in general.

BertieBotts · 19/09/2018 00:56

I bet he didn't stop because of his ex, BTW. She probably left him because of it.

bpisok · 19/09/2018 01:16

I am not anti drugs. But am def anti child drugs combos. His kids were his responsibility so he shouldn't be off his face with them in the house.
Totally completely and utterly irresponsible. If he were my ex he wouldn't be seeing them again for quite some time (if ever).
As for you and your relationship- well you have to work on the basis of - could you put up with it? How much will it cost out of a household budget if you moved in together? He stopped before and could do again, but for how long (he will say forever and that it's not a big thing it's just occasional- but it was an issue in his previous relationship).
Given that he thinks it's ok when his own kids are in the house I would assume he would be the same with your kids

penisbeakers · 19/09/2018 01:47

You're definitely not being unreasonable. I wouldn't want him anywhere near me or my kids, and I'm not anti drugs. He's clearly had past addiction with it, and it's a relapse. You can either tell him he has to quit permanently and keep it that way, or leave him. Addicts can make a full recovery, but it's a lot of hard work and a lifetime commitment to that hard work. It doesn't seem like he wants to.

penisbeakers · 19/09/2018 01:53

Also his ex needs to know what he's doing with the kids around. I'd be away from him and letting her know what he was doing. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

ExFury · 19/09/2018 01:57

Even if I could forgive the coke, which I doubt, I’d never be able to forgive (or respect him again) after he wanted all of the adults in the house off their faces when his children were there. That’s neglect on his part, he had no idea what was going on with his kids while he was in that state and that’s never attractive!

Purpleartichoke · 19/09/2018 02:19

Don’t share any kids? Leave tomorrow.

Once you are safely away, contact the mother of his children and fill her in.

emmyrose2000 · 19/09/2018 02:32

I would have taken my kids there and then and left, regardless of what time it was. Obviously the relationship would be over right then.

If I had contact details for the mother (or someone who knows her) I'd have called her immediately and told her to come and collect her kids. If she was in agreement, I'd take her kids with me and she could pick them up from wherever I was (back at my own house? McDonalds? Wherever).

AimlesslyPurposeful · 19/09/2018 02:45

Were they smoking weed in the house? Because if they’re twatty enough to bring coke in house while there are children there then I doubt they all piled outside to smoke.

Also, what sort of person tries to get another person to take coke? We all know the horror stories but if you want to take it then go for your life but don’t try to ply it on others.

Honestly OP what do you think of people that try to get other people to take drugs? I doubt you’d want someone like that around your children. Unfortunately that’s the situation you’re currently in.

AsleepAllDay · 19/09/2018 04:20

Even if he's a so called recreational user, that would be a hard line for me too.

Ordinarily I would say to at least have a conversation but you know he used to be a heavy user, he did so with kids around (that's worse than the weed), didn't ask if you were okay with it - sounds like he was testing your reactions and he doesn't care any way

It's too much.

Monty27 · 19/09/2018 04:35

Coke ruins jobs finances and relationships.
Leave him fast.
You are not his keeper and certainly after this you owe him nothing. Believe me

mononoaware1907 · 19/09/2018 05:20

Oh, no, OP. Not your circus, not your monkeys!

Sleepykate · 19/09/2018 05:38

If it is a regular (or even occasional thing) I'd consider ending it but if it was a one off then I wouldn't.

NutElla5x · 19/09/2018 05:50

Seeing as you have been with this man a relatively short time and have no ties with him op I wouldn't bother hanging around trying to help him,and would just get out now while my sanity was still intact.He has no regard or respect for you or even his own kids, and you sound lovely and deserve so much better.Please inform his kid's mother of his drug use if you can and good luck x

Coyoacan · 19/09/2018 06:51

The idea that you can help someone who is showing no signs of thinking they have a problem is utterly ridiculous.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread