AIBU to sometime be extremely jealous of parents with NT kids

[Studyinghell]

Just tht really, not that I’d wish his personality away or anything like that. But when things are hard Im so jealous of parents with NT kids and kids with no medical conditions

What were/are his special needs?

Autism, sensory processing disorder, hypermobility, anxiety, GDD, and we're waiting on assessment for dyspraxia. He may or may not also have ADHD but they don't want to assess for it until his sensory issues are a little more under control as the ADHD traits could also be part of his SPD. He masks a lot at school and school put lots of the behavioural problems that they did see down to his age (31st August so youngest in the year), his misreading of social situations and interactions were put down to him twisting the facts, him refusing to go to school was considered to be down to poor parenting. We tried many times to raise issues with school, including times he had meltdowns at-home over specific things that had happened at school, and each time school rebuked it with the attitude of "it happened at home therefore it's not a school problem, it's a home problem". They only became interested when CAHMS fired a rocket up their arses to ask why was he not receiving SEN support? At that point the SENCO explained to me that he'd been low-key on her radar for a while but due to a mix of issues with funding and staffing they had to target their resources at the neediest cases. My reference to bum on seat, not smashing the place up, and more or less keeping pace with the work is an almost direct quote from her.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that HF means mild - I’m just thinking of much or little he may be able to function in life in the future.

Despite his developmental regression, I don’t see any obvious emotional issues yet - no problem with eye contact, finds lots of things funny, doesn’t have meltdowns or lash out. I don’t know if these things would be obvious at 2 though. I have no experience of any of this and I’ve yet to speak to anyone whose child experienced a major regression like he has so I don’t have any idea what to expect.

It's the little things that get me - no fine motor skills, no filter, no social skills , meltdowns, anger, mysphonia. All those things that make people think you're kid's a sullen little arsehole when the truth is they just cannot fathom the world.

I've a friend with one high-functioning ASD kid and one ASD kid with cognitive delays. She says the latter is easier because his needs are obvious and people are more understanding (also he's 100% adorable).

I find it very hard to admit that I find GCSE/A level results days hard. All the bragging proud posts on Facebook, people's kids going off to uni etc. My DS1 is 19 and really struggled to get level 1 BTec at college. He is now on universal credit and working at a voluntary job for people with SEN. I wonder if he will ever manage independent living as he is nowhere near ready at the moment.

sink - Sorry that was just a general musing, I think there is often a line of thought that HF means that everything is OK.

DS is HF - he is very bright, very good at maths, but struggles in the classroom. I am so nervous about he moving to secondary next year.

@hggybear I've reported your original post. And, ODFOD.

My boy is utterly adorable. Everyone loves him, he is like a little cherub. But I guess a two year old chewing on your shoe is adorably funny, but if he’s still doing it at 20 it probably won’t go down so well. Maybe it will be easier when I feel like I know what he needs - right now I don’t have a clue how to help him. I still have this tiny hope that one day he will wake up and be like he was, but it has been six months so I know it’s not going to happen.

sink That sounds so difficult for you, I hope you manage to get some answers to your questions.

I do understand the 'cuteness' factor. DS has no spatial awareness, as a result he is constantly walking into things and people. At 4 and 5 it was a bit 'cute' and a bit understandable. A 10 yr old barrelling into someone isn't so great.

There was a post recently about things that people say in reference to disability, I have to admit I will at times yell 'mind the wheelchair' 'mind the man with a stick' I don't mean to be rude, but they are the last people I want him running into/in front of and I have to put short and snappy with my instructions. (especially when there are others around)

I have more confidence about ds living an idependent and near normal life, than dd 11 who has ASD, learning difficulties, high anxiety. At 6 he is able to do far more than she does. He just seems on a more NT wavelength. He figures out solutions to problems, knows how to make a cup of tea/coffee from scratch (me supervising), makes toast, sandwiches. Just taught himself to use his zip, much more sociable, but not bright academically. He does not get anxious and frustrated, he tries and tries until he gets things right and fiercly independent which dd is not.

He even knows how to use the washing machine, as he watches me, and changes batteries on toys, using my screwdriver in the draw. Yet he quite possibly has to go to special school, because he is at the bottom 1% academically, so has moderate LD. Assesment via Ed Psych at school. If he were bright academically, we would not have a problem.

@Aeroflotgirl i did read one of the John and Kate plus eight sextuplets had special needs and was being cared for in a facilty?

Love my little boy with all my heart. He has ASD (and other suspected disabilities - he’s too young to be diagnosed for then right now). But some days I’d give a kidney for him to be NT. He’s amazing in every sense of the word, but just to do basic things (getting dressed, going to the supermarket, etc) is like running a marathon. In water. For him and for us. His half sisters are NT and boy are they easy by comparison.

Oh right AamdC I diden't know that. That is interesting. Wonder if the Radfords have any with SN. There must be, if they have 21. Maybe its not broadcast or they don't like people knowing.

If he were bright academically, we would not have a problem.
I know I don't really wish this, but DS is bright academically, and it is a problem in some ways.
He can't access most mainstream stuff, clubs etc., extracurriculars, needs 1:1 at school.
But the SEN clubs are for older children who have much greater difficulties, and it's hard for him to make friends too.
Children at clubs may be his peers intellectually but an 11yo who is just about reading fluently/interested in Lego stickers is probably not going to want to play with a 6yo who is also just about reading fluently/interested in Lego stickers but who wants to run around madly pretending he is a pirate NOT play a hard computer game.
But his school friends can't cope with him jumping up and down all the time/being massively impulsive/getting overwhelmed and hurting people.

Oh gosh drspouse, it does not sound easy either way. Ds access normal clubs, and is fine, though a little slow with the learning. He likes to fit in, tries to model other kids and be interested in what they like. DS started Beavers, he really enjoys it, and does Swimming, and normal holiday club without any support. But in the classroom, its a different matter, and is 2 years behind academically. SN is so complex, its not black and white, there are shades of grey.

I went to view a special school yesterday for children with moderate to complex learning difficulties, it was a shock, as ds is much more capable than them, but academically on the same level.

I don't think the head teacher could understand how ds is capable in other areas, but scored really low academically, putting him in the bottom 1% of kids his age. So below below.

You would think so wpuldnt. You@Aeroflotgirl, there were two children in ds1 class oof 3p woth an ASD diagnosis, (mainstream) ds has mild learning difficulties plus other children with learning and behavioural issues so statistically out of 21 kids you might expect something

You certainly would, out of that cohort of kids, there must be at least 1 with a SN.

I think children with good behaviour and practical skills like your DS Aero would not have been noticed in former years.
He sounds a lot like DS in practical terms actually - DS loves making his own toast, can cook with (a lot of) help, goes to Beavers and swimming, but his impulsivity means we are wondering about an SEN holiday club BUT that is as you say for children who are much less capable.

(And as another parents said to me - in a way we are lucky that DS' behaviour can be off the wall as then he gets noticed in the classroom. DD is quiet but has some memory problems and seems to be going backwards on learning letters/numbers - OK she's just started Reception but she is such a follower it's easy to miss that she doesn't remember anything of what has been taught that day.

I totally get it drspouse, they would have been labled at school as slow, or thick, and coasted through the system like me. I was the same, struggled to keep up at school, lost interest. Got 5 A-C GCSEs eventually before leaving sixth form, and did a GNVQ (advanced) health and social care course with distinction. I was assessed at college by the Ed Psych, at 19, with specific learning difficulties such as dyscalculia and dyspraxia. I then went on to do a BA (hons) Psychology at Uni, and then and Msc. So I think ds will improve as he gets older. He is just six, and the amount his non sn friends have to do is awful. No he would not cope at all and would get less confident and discouraged.

I think as times change at school, and the work gets harder, and more assesment, these kids are picked up more. Which I think is a good thing. They are adjusting ds work at Mainstream, and he has an EHCP, and will probably go into special as they can probably meet his academic needs more than a mainstream. I was told by Ed psych that as he gets older, the gap will probably widen, and he will eventually need a special school. I am positive, I think he will be fine.

I have DS who is currently being assessed for high functioning ASD. He is in a mainstream school and so far manages ok. But I wish I didn't have to worry about him falling through the cracks by being too affected to do somethings (well or with a normal level of enjoyment), but not affected enough to receive special provision/support. I have had a hard time for 9 years, but it could be worse. Still, I do sometimes think it would have been better for all if I'd never decided to have a child.

I have three nt kids and I don't blame you in the slightest

DrCoconut - many congratulations on your son's BTEC and voluntary job - i think that's awesome.