AIBU to sometime be extremely jealous of parents with NT kids

[Studyinghell]

Just tht really, not that I’d wish his personality away or anything like that. But when things are hard Im so jealous of parents with NT kids and kids with no medical conditions

@speakingwoman I was a Retail assistant and part time Teaching Assistant.

I'd love to do a rolling thread, I did enjoy that camaraderie, i'm just slow at posting so felt a bit lost amongst everyone.

I hear you OP.
Feeling really down about just this at the moment. Basically I feel cheated and what makes it worse are the patronising (but probably well meaning) comments like “I couldn’t do it or you are so good with him, I just wouldn’t be able to do it.”

I used to think I couldn’t do labour, but then it happened to me.

Exactly you do it because you have to, but most days I honestly don’t bloody want to.

The issue with the SN boards is that the threads are very specific as there are so many dx. For example "does anyone know about hearing aids" will get an answer but no continuing contact. How about a thread called "I'm not really a saint" ?? With just a rolling check in, vent or crow about something awesome that only makes sense in ND land. We may get to know each other better if things are more condensed on the SN board.

@passwordfailure - there is this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_chat/3331152-g-and-c-as-we-all-neeeeddddd-our-pub

In my literal-minded way, it took me ages to work out what the reference to the pub was about. But I think I'm right that it is just a general chat, vent and ranting thread.

@AamdC

Thanks I'll have a look into that.

Basically I feel cheated and what makes it worse are the patronising (but probably well meaning) comments like “I couldn’t do it or you are so good with him, I just wouldn’t be able to do it.”

Yes, I get this. Like it was an option. I do it because I have to. I'm strong because I have to be. And sometimes I would love to just run away and go back to my job and life, but I can't.

I'm up for a general sn chat board.

I hear you Op,
I'm so tired of the constant battle for accessing support. To send them both into school, just once with ease and not feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest with worry about another high anxiety day ahead for the older one.
Youngest is in SN provision but still faces huge challenges every day.

"In my literal-minded way, it took me ages to work out what the reference to the pub was about. But I think I'm right that it is just a general chat, vent and ranting thread."

Just as I was withdrawing from the board in around 2012, someone posted a helpful metaphor about geese (it doesn't matter what the metaphor was). There had also been stuff about carrots (doesn't matter).

So someone set up a "pub" called "The Goose and Carrot".

Maybe these things do go in cycles? A bunch of strangers connect, draw closer, argue, discover things about themselves, draw comfort, become influential........ and then as they move on (many of the children from 2006 are now adults...) the place is a bit mysterious and vague for newcomes.

I can dig out some classic threads from Ye Olden Days if you like. God knows we put enough work into them.

Flashingbeacon

How old is he flash?

Here is an example of the SN board at its finest (actually it's in behavious and development because the OP couldn't quite bring herself at that point to post in SN). Expertise combined with sensitivity.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/600616-is-ds2-s-musicality-hindering-his-speech-development

My own son's outcome has been excellent and this is, of course, mainly "luck of the draw" - a product of his natural developmental trajectory. But other things made a difference were (i)me (ii) his brother (iii) the SN board. His life is completely different to what it would have been without the SN board so I make no apology for banging on about it.

So many people saying so many things I agree with or have experienced.

I have 2 lovely DCs who are NT who skip through life with the sun on their faces and a lovely younger DC with a chronic health condition, severe dyslexia and a rare chromosome disorder. Sometimes he must feel like he’s wading through mud up to his chin.

I told someone yesterday I wouldn’t change him but I knew as I was saying it that it was a lie. I would take it all away if I could. He would be himself without it and he would have the same smooth path that his siblings have.

And I wouldn’t be being saintly and driving 2.5 hours a day to a specialist school where he’s happy and supported.

OP you are not being unreasonable.

I have a twelve year old and a 9 year old who until relatively recently I thought were NT.

They are not.

As they've got older their SN has shown itself. When they were young they were quirky but I'd never have guessed (and nor would anyone else).

My DS who is 12 is extremely bright but is not capable of being in school because it is to anxiety inducing (due to sensory differences and due to him taking things so literally that high school is a nightmare). He is however very sociable and very capable of many things and there is no local SEN school that is suitable either. I have had to effectively give up work to accommodate his education from home.

It only occured to us that DD might be autistic when DS was being assessed. She really struggles. The reports we have had back for her are heartbreaking. She doesn't know how to make recipricol conversation and doesn't smile, struggles with noise. School is getting more and more difficult.

It is impossible not to feel envy at NTs. I'm most envious of the smiley little girls. People assume my daughter is mean spirited/moody because she doesn't smile and isn't chatty. She isn't she just doesn't know how to.

They are both high functioning so people assume they must be fine and it is mild but I think that high functioning is a bad term because it doesn't mean you are not terribly effected by your autism. My kids are very anxious about getting things wrong.

Everything is effected.

Oh it’s all so hard. Hugs and cake all round.

Those whose kids were diagnosed later in childhood, are they generally high functioning? I have a terrible feeling that the fact my DS’ issues were apparent so early is because it’s going to be “more severe” (whatever that means) which really worries me. Or maybe I wouldn’t be so aware of it if I didn’t have his twin for comparison, or if he hadn’t had a big regression of skills. I don’t know.

@Leavesorange he’s 8, has a physical disability. “At least he’s all there mentally” according to dam near everyone including drs. As if it’s special needs competition. And quite frankly I’m not sure how NT he can be because he can’t be part of his peer group. The frustration he feels being unable to do things manifests as anger and hostility. He’s not a nice quiet disabled which looses him sympathy. In my darkest moments rather than wish him better I wish his disability on those who treat him badly. But I don’t even pretend to be a saint. And when we’re back to school I’ll atop telling him to be the bigger man.

sinkgirl I don't know , the flip side is that if they were diagnosed earlier then they have had more support so may not struggle so much in school.
I asked the person who diagnosed my son whether high functioning meant mild. He said well it's 'not very mild is it if he is unable to go to school as a result of the anxiety it causes'

I totally agree, my dd 11 has ASD, and learning difficulties and goes to a special school, and low behold, ds has learning difficulties and will probably need to go to a special school too. I feel so upset, 2 kids with sn, and going to a special school, what have I done in a past life. I hear you . Why can't things be normal.

@Flashingbeacon how can anyone treat an 8 yo little boy with disabilities badly so sad. Of course he's going to get frustrated, some people are just mean, nasty people until it happens to them or a loved one.

Very true. I just wish I had a crystal ball.

There were a few times before DS was 1 that I thought he might be a little genius. He was obsessed with ball posting, shape sorters, copying actions and sounds, totally amazing. He was so far ahead of his twin with cognitive things.

Now he’s just turned 2 and our task from portage this week has been trying to get him to drop a ball through a big tube. He’s like a different child and I can’t help struggling with that.

Basically I feel cheated and what makes it worse are the patronising (but probably well meaning) comments like “I couldn’t do it or you are so good with him, I just wouldn’t be able to do it.”

A big yes from me on this. And if I see that bastard "welcome to Holland" poem posted one more time from people who think they know what it must be like, I might have to be restrained. I feel this better sums it up

notanautismmom.com/2017/10/23/the-jungle/

SinkGirl what happend? How can he regress so much, were there any accidents he had to cause this?

I'm not jealous as such.

Sometimes I would like to shake people who don't 'get it', or who say stupid things like,

'Oh all children do that.....' (Really?!)
Or
'oh yes, reflux, my baby has that it's horrible....' (But slightly different when you are 8 and have bleeding ulcers)
Or
'What's wrong with him? Why does he use a buggy' (fuck off arsehole)

I think maybe I am jealous of me before I had ds, I didn't used to be this fucking bitter.

yanbu
I get it

I know @Aeroflotgirl ds2 has a rare. Chromosome disorder thought to be the cause of his disabillities i had to come off the facebook pg because other peoples kids with the same disorder were making more progress than ds or not as affected by it , i resally wouldnt wish them to have tjecsame issies but privatley i feel resentful, ds1 doesnt have special needs as such but he does have mild learning difficulties not so bad that he cant be independent but he struggle at school , life is infair sometimes.