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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...Is this too pushy? (Sports teams)

72 replies

IrisAnon · 18/09/2018 20:06

DS has started his new school and all going well. It's rugby season, and he has always hated rugby (dislikes pain ) but is pretty competent and has lots of contact/ match experience from his old school. To be very clear, I don't think he will ever be A team material, so I don't feel I'm being pushy like 'that'.
It's very clear that lots of the boys haven't even played before, and he's been finding the training a bit boring as it is 'how to hold a rugby ball', but is determined to stick with it. He missed pre-season training selection as we were away on holiday, booked before we knew. I checked with the coach and he said it was constant assessment and match play.
So, after the school's first match (randomly allocated teams) where he got a couple of good runs and drew some comments, I felt he would probably make the C/D team.
As it happens, he has been left unallocated (not even on a team), and some of the boys who haven't ever played (some literally didn't even know which way to pass the ball) are above him in teams.

I've sent a query to head coach to ask if he can explain why this is, but I'm also not wanting to be a PITA pushy new parent. At which point do you become 'too pushy'? Would you have said something?
I just think it's all a bit shit.

OP posts:

Numbkinnuts · 18/09/2018 20:11

Perhaps the coach has the philosophy of letting all the children have ago and encourage the ones that haven't played before.
And perhaps even the coach doesn't have a win at all costs mentality.

If your son doesn't like rugby why are you pushing the agenda to get him in a team ?

Numbkinnuts · 18/09/2018 20:12

And yes you are being pushy

Original poster

IrisAnon · 18/09/2018 20:13

I'm pushing to get him allocated to proper match play, rather than on a particular team.
He seems to be a bit more keen this term, so I'm impressed with his determination to be part of a team.
I personally hate watching him play rugby! But I don't want him demoralised in the first term.

OP posts:

Numbkinnuts · 18/09/2018 20:17

It's not just about skill. It's about attitude.

If he has shown he is bored or disinterested then that may contribute to his non selection for the next match.

There will be plenty opportunities for match play.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 18/09/2018 20:21

The other boys might be faster runners, more strong or just show more enthusiasm for the game so have more potential long term. I think it's OK to politely ask (although how old is DS couldn't he ask himself if he's worried?) but not to do anything else.

sue51 · 18/09/2018 20:28

Maybe the coach picked up on his hatred, as you put it, of the sport a d choose those who seemed more enthusiastic.

GogoGobo · 18/09/2018 20:31

Perhaps it’s because he missed pre season training

puzzledlady · 18/09/2018 20:34

You are being pushy. You say he’s disinterested but then you want him to be on the team. It’s probably his attitude, rigby is a team sport, if he’s not interested why would he want to be in the team? The coach probably got a vibe from him.

Now you’ve emailed the headcoach? Sorry - but you are that parent. Own it.

Numbkinnuts · 18/09/2018 20:37

I assume it's an independent school where pre season training is pretty important. If he has missed that they will possibly be a contributing factor as other posters have said.

shapeshifter88 · 18/09/2018 20:41

Rugby is great but dangerous if you go in half hearted. if he doesnt enjoy it and pay attention / give 100% the coach probably thinks it's safer hes not playing.

fishface23 · 18/09/2018 20:44

Attitude is a key decider, he should be asking not you if he's bothered. Ds's coaches expect the boys to engage themselves not the parents.

Original poster

IrisAnon · 18/09/2018 20:59

Ok, maybe I have been pushy here, then.
So if (in any sport) your child had gone from B team to no team at all - even below those who haven't played before - you wouldn't even ask a question?
I struggle with that!

OP posts:

sue51 · 18/09/2018 21:02

If he hated the sport I would see no reason to query his exclusion from the team. Maybe let him do a sport or hobby he has a passion for.

fishface23 · 18/09/2018 21:07

But it's a different school. My dd is confronting the same with netball and a new school. Lots of new girls and a set number of teams for fixtures. We always pushed the question about how you get into a team if not originally selected and so she knows what she needs to do if that's the case (attend extra practice, work hard in lessons, work on specific areas, attitude attitude work ethic)

Original poster

IrisAnon · 18/09/2018 21:14

fishface thank you, did you ask her coach/ teacher about this without being seen as 'pushy', do you think?
Completely agree about the change in size. It's the fact I saw some of the other boys not even know which way to run with the ball and yet, despite DS's playing drawing comment, has been placed below them. That doesn't make sense.

OP posts:

Petalflowers · 18/09/2018 21:18

You start d by saying DS hates rugby, so why are you pushing for,him to be on a team? Maybe DS has let slip,that he doesn’t really like rugby, and that’s why he wasn’t picked,

fishface23 · 18/09/2018 21:23

It was a key question we asked when choosing a school. Girls particularly need to be encouraged in sport so it mattered to us.

underneaththeash · 18/09/2018 21:37

Happened to my DS when we moved from independent to Grammar in Year 7, as I pointed out to the coach he went from playing 15 matches a season to none, again in the B's for his previous school. He was chosen for the hockey C team and they played one match.

Now in year 8, his love of sport had almost evaporated, luckily he was chosen for a team for cricket, this summer and they played a few.

But it's pretty rubbish, there is a huge obesity problem and problems with adolescent children doing less sport and it seems to be a really underfunded in schools.

There were lots of other similar complaints from parents and the sports department did hold a meeting, the head coach did also say that he was open to parents contacting him if they did think their son was overlooked.

Original poster

IrisAnon · 18/09/2018 21:38

Obviously he is interested in playing in matches, otherwise I wouldn't be bothered. Not playing is not an option, so he wants to play at a similar standard as before - that is understandable.
I'm pushing for him to be in a team because I think he is being overlooked.

OP posts:

Original poster

IrisAnon · 18/09/2018 21:40

underneaththeash thank you - you are completely describing how I feel. It is shit.

OP posts:

LivininaBox · 18/09/2018 21:45

I don't understand why schools still do this kind of thing? If someone isn't good at maths you don't just exclude them from maths, why should sport be different? The obvious answer is to select the best for the top teams and then rotate everyone who wants to play for the lower teams.

incywincybitofa · 18/09/2018 22:21

Our games department want the commitment to come from the boys not the parents.
The boys need to be asking why they aren't in the team they want. They also need to be worker bees at practice as well on the pitch.
I hope you get a positive response

edwinbear · 18/09/2018 22:40

I have an A team playing DS playing both in and out of school. Firstly, are you sure he is as competent as you say? It’s easy when it’s your own child to remember the one or two brilliant runs and overlook the other 15 times they dropped a pass/missed a tackle etc.

Secondly, if he dislikes pain (and assuming he is playing contact), he is unlikely to be fully committing to tackling which can be dangerous both for him, and the child he tackles.

Finally, if he is only really interested and engaged in matches but not putting the effort in during training, that will be noticed. Our outside of school club is pretty strict on only taking those kids to festivals who put the effort in during training. It’s a simple case of getting back what you put in.

Lalliella · 18/09/2018 22:46

Why are you pushing to get him on the team when he hates rugby? Has he done something very bad and this is a punishment? Rugby is really dangerous, be relieved he’s not playing. Find him a sport he enjoys. And yes you are pushy and YABVU.

BackforGood · 18/09/2018 22:47

Am confused. Why is 'not playing', 'not an option' if he doesn't want to play ?

Why do you think that people who may well be enthusiastic, and may well turn out to be great players, shouldn't be given the opportunity to play, and to learn all the nuances of playing the game, just because they haven't had the opportunity before?

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