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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty niece up for adoption

60 replies

blardyyblah · 18/09/2018 19:40

My niece is being put up for adoption a long with her two other siblings as her Mum and my brother have failed miserably as parents. (The other two are not my relatives)

I'm early twenties and have two of my own I'm currently at uni my other half has a well paid job and we have stability and a nice home life.

My mum has put her self forward and they are giving it 6 months to see if they can all be adopted together otherwise she will go to my Mum.

I've gone through the court papers today and I burst into tears as she mentioned missing her Auntie S and her cousins.

I never even thought about it at first because of my age and having two kids myself and I'm still in my twenties. It has been on my mind all day and I can't help but think how selfish I have been and I could of given her a happy life.

The guilt is eating me up and I can't stop crying about it all

OP posts:

continuallychargingmyphone · 18/09/2018 19:41

Better for her to go elsewhere I think. Sad, though.

KateGrey · 18/09/2018 19:44

That’s really sad. Would you even be an option? If so could your mum lend a lot of support?

Babyroobs · 18/09/2018 19:44

Is it too late to put yourself forward ? if she ends up with your mum then she will have plenty of contact with you and your children presumably.

Newtothis2017 · 18/09/2018 19:44

How old is she?

popsanddolls · 18/09/2018 19:45

I've been were you are. My brother and ex partner had their 7 children taken away. 1 went to my mum, 2 to the maternal gm, 3 were adopted altogether to one family in London. Out of guilt I took my neice, she as 6 and if just given birth to my son aged 21.

It was far harder than expected. She had a lot of issues due to her up bringing, ran away back to my brother and told alot of lies. After 7 months she went to live with my mum until alternative care placement could be found. I know the guilt your feeling. But you have to think about your own children.

Racecardriver · 18/09/2018 19:46

I would imagine it's better for her to stay with her siblings.

redwinebreak · 18/09/2018 19:46

How old are the children? This is terribly sad. Surely it'll be better for the children to all stay together.

Original poster

blardyyblah · 18/09/2018 19:48

Her social worker said anyone could put themselves forward.

OP posts:

Want2beme · 18/09/2018 19:48

That's really tough. Could she still come to you? Does she want to be with her siblings?

NoSquirrels · 18/09/2018 19:49

How old are they all, OP? All the siblings?

How old are your DC? What does your DP/DH think?

Were you not asked to consider it? If you were, what were your reasons for saying no? If this is just an understandable wobble on seeing the note on the file, then you need to remind yourself why you decided you couldn’t do this.

But if it’s the first time you’re considering it that’s different.

Hidillyho · 18/09/2018 19:51

I would really hope that one of my family members would adopt my DC if needed. The thought of them going into care is awful.
Not trying to make you feel bad OP as I know it’s easier said than done

NoSquirrels · 18/09/2018 19:51

Sibling adoption of 3+ groups is tough to find. Not many people are willing. Is your niece the eldest?

Where are the DC now - in foster care?

Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 19:52

pops I mean no disrespect at all towards you by saying this, but it’s like dishing out smarties. How sad kids lives turn out like that😥

Your family are fab for doing what you all did and no way could one person take all 7, that’s a massive ask.

foxotterhare · 18/09/2018 19:54

Put the guilt to one side because you won't be doing your niece any favours if you get into this and then find you're not really prepared to go through with it.

Weigh up the costs - financial, emotional. How your DP feels about it. Sibling dynamics. Your plans for more children, career etc.

If the answer for both of you is a yes, that would be a very very kind thing to do. I'm a bit surprised they're prepared to let her go to your mum rather than be adopted on her own.

whyhaveidonethis · 18/09/2018 19:55

I've just been through the process to adopt my friends child. The process itself is really difficult and intrusive. I'm financially stable, have a good job and a large house. If I'm honest I doubt they would accept you even if you did put yourself forward. Hugs. It's so difficult

gendercritter · 18/09/2018 19:55

How old is she? I know it's a huge thing to ask but I would want to take her if at all possible.

MynameisJune · 18/09/2018 20:02

It’s unlikely she’ll get adopted with her siblings. Even more so if they are already mid primary age or above. I don’t agree that it’s best they stay together as they’ll likely be shunted from foster home to foster home. If she goes to your Mum she gets stability, family connection and the other two are more likely to be adopted as a pair. The adoption will be open and I’m sure they will be able to keep in touch and see each other but they all need stable homes.

sunshineNdaisies · 18/09/2018 20:04

I hope she goes to your mum but you should put yourself forward as an alternative just in case that doesn't work out (mum too old / frail etc)

Sorry, but there's not a chance in hell I would allow my niece and nephews to be adopted outside of the family. I'd break doors down if I had to and chuck my DH out if he dared to argue with me.

NancyJoan · 18/09/2018 20:06

That’s heartbreaking. I’m sorry, OP, it’s terrible for all concerned.

lowtide · 18/09/2018 20:09

Why do you feel you can’t put yourself forward. It’s all well and good for people to say you need to take them. But you seriously have to think about your own reasons. Could you live with yourself if you didn’t take them? Can you cope with them?
Families are made up of all different connections, only you can know what you should do.
Three children are a lot to take on. You would obviously have to change your whole life, it may work out postively or negatively, but it has to come from the heart, with a good dose of reality on top.

lowtide · 18/09/2018 20:10

And just to add, if you’re going to take them on and it’s not really what you want then it will be a hundred times worse for them long term

Chocolate50 · 18/09/2018 20:11

I used to work as a social worker in the area of adoption and fostering, and financial stability is considered but it isn't everything, you could put yourself forward and I can say that it isn't always absolute that children who are siblings stay together, sometimes its better for them that they don't. I would be having a family meeting with your mum and DH and see if you can't do something for the children. I understand that you aren't related to the other two children but is there anyone else in the family who could offer a home as then there may be an option of regular contact between them?

you or whoever does adopt of long term foster the children should also get an allowance (an adoption allowance or foster care allowance), this is not that much but will help xx

bluedabadeedabadoo · 18/09/2018 20:11

I think that you or your Mum need to get a solicitor. If the court grant a placement order, (to place for adoption) the court process ends so no judge etc will be overseeing what happens. I think you or your mum need to argue that being with family is more important than staying with siblings, particularly because the likelihood of placing a group of 3 is minimal and will cause delay for them all.
The court can only make a placement order if it believes that 'nothing else will do'. Adoption is a last resort and social care need to evidence there is no other option if they intend to place a child for adoption. You have a right to be assessed and you have a right to challenge any assessment in court if you don't agree with the outcome. If this is what you want, seek it now before it's too late.

Mrsmadevans · 18/09/2018 20:11

I am so sad for you all OP
I think you need to let her go to someone who will be desperate for a child/children and can give her/them a better life than even you could give her. I was a person such as this and l was unable to adopt because there were not enough DC available.

MorningCuppa · 18/09/2018 20:13

This is so sad, how old are the children op? Would you like to have your niece, have you spoken about this with your dh and own family?

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