To feel guilty niece up for adoption

[blardyyblah]

My niece is being put up for adoption a long with her two other siblings as her Mum and my brother have failed miserably as parents. (The other two are not my relatives)

I'm early twenties and have two of my own I'm currently at uni my other half has a well paid job and we have stability and a nice home life.

My mum has put her self forward and they are giving it 6 months to see if they can all be adopted together otherwise she will go to my Mum.

I've gone through the court papers today and I burst into tears as she mentioned missing her Auntie S and her cousins.

I never even thought about it at first because of my age and having two kids myself and I'm still in my twenties. It has been on my mind all day and I can't help but think how selfish I have been and I could of given her a happy life.

The guilt is eating me up and I can't stop crying about it all

I wonder if it would not be better for her to have a fresh start

Doubletrouble - I hope they don't stay in care then

OP it is worth looking at adoption and looking at the forum on Adoption UK, and thinking about the sorts of issues and problems, and deciding whether it is something you can realistically think about it, or support your mother with. There are all sorts of advantages being placed with family, as there are similarities and shared histories, but only if it is something that will work. I hope that a solution is found which works for everyone. I would push for ongoing regular face to face contact and finding adopters who would support that, if it goes down that route, you cannot dictate to the SW obviously but you can be a strong advocate for the children's needs. Best of luck.

OP, I work with children where we're making these sort of plans through the courts. I totally understand the guilt you feel over your niece, but please understand that from the courts side, well meaning but ultimately guilt motivated family members does not make for good outcomes for children - it's common for multiple family members or friends to come forward without really thinking through what they're offering. Its as serious a decision as having another child of your own. On top of that its having a child with additional needs. On top of that, it's entering into an contract that you will manage the situation with the parent (which in practice often means largely cutting off day to day contact, but supervising contact with the child in line with court requirements)

When it works with family it's great. But it's a huge undertaking and not one to go into lightly. If you're still considering it your first step needs to be checking with the SW whether you still can put yourself forward for assessment (note you can withdraw from the assessment and part of that assessment would be exploring with you whether it's right for you and your family)

The courts have strict deadlines to ensure that decisions are made promptly for a child and whilst anyone can come forward there will be a cut off where no further assessments will be agreed.

If you're too late to be assessed or feel it's not right for your family there's still things you could do. You could discuss with the SW what support you could offer to your mum should she go to her. And if she were to be adopted, you could offer to help around providing information, family pictures etc to the social worker for life story work - the expectation for adopters these days is that children know and understand they're adopted (age appropriately) I've worked with children who have gone on to be adopted and had access to information like this as they've got older and knowing that they had a family who cared and made decisions that they hoped were right for them has been hugely important.

Is there any scope to ask the children’s social worker whether there can be some contact with you during this period, for your niece’s sake, as she says she misses your branch of the family? Even if it is a one-off where she can know you care about her.

I would take in my neice in a heartbeat and would assume I can give her a better and more loving home than anyone else.

But I know I could support her financially and emotionally. As others have said never take a child on out of guilt. If you believe you can be the parent she deserves and make her happy then adopt her. But if you aren’t sure them think about bout this very carefully - consider counselling. This little girl has to be the absolute priority and she be made to feel totally wanted.

I am not suggesting she would be sleeping under the stairs hatty potter style - but she would have to be as much of a priority as the other children in your family. The fact that you didn’t automatically and immediately take her in suggests she wouldn’t be.

That isn’t a criticism - you just need to be honest wiht yourself

I have a family member who fosters. Children placed with family are nearly always the first choice because they have the best outcomes. But it's not an easy choice for the person who takes on care. It tends to mean continued exposure to a (at best) flakey parent. It is not the same as parenting your own child, you will be caring for a damaged child that will need a lot more love than a normal child. It does need careful thought and is a big commitment.

How well do you know your niece, is she capable of making attachments? Did her mother drink or take drugs when she was pregnant and if so are there long term effects? Have her parents 'just' neglected her or has she been exposed to violence or abuse? Is she younger or older than your own children? Is it in her best interests to stay with her siblings or are they more damaged than her? Why is your brother not looking after her, does he have a drink or drugs problem? Are you happy to see him regularly if you take on your niece's care? Does either parent have a genetic issue that has affected their ability to parent adequately that your niece could have inherited?

But if your Mum looks after her won't you be able to see her regularly? You don't need to feel guilty if your Mum is going to care for her. Just make sure you help your Mum as much as you can.

How old is she op

You say your brother and his partner/wife failed miserably. Were they given help and support with their parenting from the services at all? This must be a heart wrenching dilemma blardyyblah Hope you're feeling a little better this morning and that you can make the right decision (but not through guilt)

ladyrenoir Google "trauma bond"