To feel guilty niece up for adoption

[blardyyblah]

My niece is being put up for adoption a long with her two other siblings as her Mum and my brother have failed miserably as parents. (The other two are not my relatives)

I'm early twenties and have two of my own I'm currently at uni my other half has a well paid job and we have stability and a nice home life.

My mum has put her self forward and they are giving it 6 months to see if they can all be adopted together otherwise she will go to my Mum.

I've gone through the court papers today and I burst into tears as she mentioned missing her Auntie S and her cousins.

I never even thought about it at first because of my age and having two kids myself and I'm still in my twenties. It has been on my mind all day and I can't help but think how selfish I have been and I could of given her a happy life.

The guilt is eating me up and I can't stop crying about it all

Also, just because you aren't related doesn't mean you or your family can't be assessed for your nieces siblings. It is a possibility that your family could care for them as they are a link to your niece.

Talk to your DH about how you feel about this and see how he feels. By the sound of it it's not necessarily too late to put yourselves forward, if that's what you want to do.

If you don't feel able to adopt, do what you can to maintain contact with your niece, which can hopefully continue if she does end up adopted outside the family.

That’s very easily said when no one is actually requiring it of you, sunshine. Actually taking on a child via an SGO (I presume?) — with minimal post-adoption support and no extra income, and parenting a child who will have lost everything at least once, and perhaps more if she’s been in more than one foster family.

OP, it’s a big undertaking. Think about everything foxotterhare said. Best wishes, whatever you decide.

@nicknacky I totally agree don't hold back they were shocking and deserved to have their children placed elsewhere.

pops Thank you for understanding I wasn’t having a dig at you.

If you want to consider putting yourself forward do. Now! The assessment process is quite detailed and will explore any barriers as to why you couldn't or perhaps in reality wouldn't want to. It would give you an opportunity to really think through the reality.

You would be entitled to a means tested SGO allowance and could access an adoption support fund specifically to spend on additional support for your neice and sheeould be entitled to similar support to that of a looked after child - priority school place for example.

If she goes to your mum she can still be a big part of your life also.

Oh what a sad situation

Don't feel guilty, you have to consider your own children and partner first.

So the social workers are trying to place the three (half)siblings together first, but otherwise she will go to your mum and the others into care/other adoptive families?

The SW clearly feel the priority is to keep them together first, so it seems that your guilt is misplaced. You are not being selfish to consider your own children's needs and best interests in this. How old are the children?

How old are the kids? Could you put yourself forward?

Just speaking personally I’d feel so responsible for this little girl, considering her parents clearly haven’t been able to look after her welfare properly. I know it’s not easy and there are lots of things to consider but it’s heartbreaking to hear she’s missing you all and if this were my niece I’m not sure I could live with myself if I didn’t step in. That’s a very personal view and I recognise there are other factors to consider, including your own family dynamic and children... It can’t be easy for you OP.

I’m sorry you weren’t able to adopt MrsEvans but being desperate for a child and being able to meet the needs of a child/children who have had a challenging start in life are very different things.

OP, can you discuss with DN’s social worker? It sounds like you have a lot to think about.

Please try and do anything you can to avoid the child going into care .

Can you put yourself forward as formal support to your mums application. It would strengthen the provision wouldn’t it?

@Chocolate 50

I used to work as a social worker in the area of adoption and fostering, and financial stability is considered but it isn't everything, you could put yourself forward and I can say that it isn't always absolute that children who are siblings stay together, sometimes its better for them that they don't.

When is it better for the siblings to be separated???? I find this really shocking for anyone to consider that splitting siblings is the best thing for them.

I think you need to think about your children and your partner. Taking on another children who may have alot of emotional baggage due to what she's been through is going to be hard. Especially with your own children to care for as well. It sounds awful and harsh saying this too you. But you have to put your children and partner first. If taking on your neice will affect them in any negative way whatsoever then don't do it. It's not your responsibilty.

Op how old is your niece in relation to you own children and also if she became part of your family would this result in you having a lot of contract with your brother? Is there any hope of him turning his life around in time?

*CHILD

Having been through the adoption process there are absolutely cases where siblings need to be separated. It's very sad!

YearOf - the children will already be in care with a foster family as they have been removed.
I'm the adoptive mum of a sibling group. You haven't mentioned how old your niece is or how old your children are. Usually when SS are considering an adoptive family they will look at the family's birth children and want a reasonable difference in age between them and the adopted child.
Since your niece was in a poor, perhaps chaotic situation with MF she will likely have suffered considerably emotionally. This could be very difficult to cope with especially for your own children.
I would suggest that you try and support your mum in her idea of adopting and be a big part of her support network as that is really what she will be is needing.
Our DS was taken in by an aunt of his BM. It lasted 2 weeks and she asked for him to be taken away because he had bitten one of her teenage daughters! He was 2 and completely uncontrollable due to the lack of parenting he had had.

Good luck. Please don't feel bad if it doesn't work out as you would like. The main thing is that the children have the best possible placement for them.

Actually, research shows that for some siblings it is far better to be separated, particularly where the relationships between them are very fractured. Where children have experienced extreme abuse, living with a sibling is a constant reminder of that abuse, and whilst no one would expect them to forget it, having a permanent reminder of traumatic events can be debilitating.
While in an ideal world no child would ever need to be adopted, the reality is that when the decision is made, those children may have been through such appalling events that they will need intensive, therapeutic care from people with a wealth of expertise.

LadyRenoir - my two should never have been placed together, they retraumatise each other. The older one blames his sister for them being taken into care in the first place and still 12 years on can't stand her.

Really difficult to live with let me tell you.

Presumably in instances where one child would be treated differently due to different parentage.
I know a child who had always been treated as a second class citizen because she was from s previous relationship. The ‘new’ family did not treat her as a family member and it became very divisive and drive a wedge between the children. If parents or families were involved in subsequent adoption proceedings, it would be downright cruel to place the girl within the family who had caused a rift with her siblings, and relegated her to an awful time.
Chances are that wouldn’t happen though - it sounds as though each family here is picking their ‘own’ relatives and ignoring the sibling relationship.
Awful for all of them, really.
Not an easy decision.

The older one blames his sister for them being taken into care in the first place and still 12 years on can't stand her. Really difficult to live with let me tell you

Really difficult for you to live with now, and for both children for the rest of their lives from the sound of it?

I have to say on instinct I’d take her and I’d look into how your mum could help you if you took them all. Maybe get together and try and get a plan in place for you or your mum to take her.
You need to asses it from the point of view of your own kids too, but it seems to me that it’s upsetting you so much because you love her. I don’t think I could let her go if I were you. Best of luck.