To still be annoyed with how my DM speaks to my babies?

[Lipsticktraces]

Posted a thread a few weeks ago regarding my DM. To briefly recap, I have four week old premature twins who have spent a month in NICU. Thread was regarding DM calling me a nasty mummy etc to the babies when I was changing them or having to do anything to them that upset them. I eventually made it clear that it wasn’t acceptable, and I don’t want my babies being spoken too in such a negative way.

It seemed to have improved until today. Twins were discharged during week, but we’ve ended up in NICU again this weekend due to twin two being unwell. Needless to say I’m at the end of my tether with stress.

DM came to visit today and was cuddling and talking to twin one. We’d been discussing what a good baby she is and DM started going “you’re a lovely girl, no bother at all, just like your mum was until she turned 15 and changed” This is something she’s enjoyed saying periodically over the years. In reality I changed in my teens due to severe depression which I never got help with despite developing an eating disorder and self harming. I replied to DM that I changed due to my depression that no one ever helped me with. She responded that I’d always insisted at the time that I was OK. I saw red at this point and replied that perhaps she shouldn’t have just taken me at my word. I then told her she would never speak to/about my brother like this (she can’t wait to big him up and defend him to everyone)

She then put twin one back in her cot, said she was going to leave and walked out of the room. She left me in tears at my poorly sons bedside in a fucking intensive care unit.

She text me later asking how he was doing as if nothing had even happened. I don’t know what to do next?

text back with an update of your baby’s condition and leave it at that for tonight.

Concentrate on yourself, it sounds as if you’ve been through the mill. When things settle down ask to see her and speak things through with her then - explain why it upsets you and how she reacts will tell you what you need to know.

If it’s any consolation, my mum constantly tells me how hard/horrible I was, and we have little contact now.

Sorry OP, wish you all the best, it’s hard. X

I think you should take into account that your hormones are still going to be all over the place, and making you way over sensitive. The babies don't know what she's saying. It's just a soothing noise to them. And we all talk rubbish to babies. If you hear her say "silly old mum..." will you take it the wrong way? I'm glad she got in contact later. You're going to need all the help you can get with two babies.

I’m sorry you’ve been through the same thing @charitypringe. It is rubbish isn’t it?

The thing is I have no interest in even discussing my teen years. I prefer not to dwell on it and can’t understand why she would bring it up,

I’d love to not see her for a while, but she’ll want to come and see the babies. I’m staying in the NICU again with them both.

@Singlenotsingle I’m actually coping very well without much practical help from her so far. I think that really annoys her.

They can’t understand her when she’s being negative about me yet, but one day they will...

I don't think this is your hormones. I think she's being inappropriate. It doesn't matter that the babies don't understand now, one day they will and OP understands right now

Lips I think the real point here is that you can understand and given the circumstances it is hurtful and unhelpful. Call her out, each time she does it. Mum is that necessary talking to my newborns about your perception about how awful their mother was? Each time. She might eventually get the message.

I'd take the baby off her and say to baby "who's a nasty bitch? Grandma. Grandma's a nasty bitch."

That's not very helpful princess

I will keep calling her out for it @Niamh, I can’t believe she actually walked out of the hospital today. She seemed genuinely affronted by what I said.

I am not allowed to go against the narrative of my youth, which is basically that everyone thought I was OK because I didn’t say otherwise. Forget me dropping to six stone something at one point and wearing long sleeves all year round from being 15 to hide my scars...

She's setting the tone for the future, here and most definitely saying these things for your benefit and not theirs.

It's a tough time for you, but any chance of gently pulling away from her brand of "support"?

PickaChew it’s hard atm as we currently have no car and live in an area that’s a nightmare for public transport. We’re relying on them for hospital lifts etc. Well DH is anyway, I’m staying here.

@Princess It’s very tempting believe me. I wouldn’t actually do it though.

Can the hospital staff keep her out?

Don't stoop to her level.

I don't understand supposedly mature parents acting like this, risking relationships they should be cherishing. Weird and arrogant.

OP, take care of yourself and the babies and perhaps give yourselves some space for a few days. But she sounds very risk-laden, in terms of relationships.

You're setting a precedent for how she will speak to your kids in future. And if she can say things like that in front of you no doubt she will say more when you aren't around. I grew up listening to my paternal grandmother slate my mum to the ground & believe me it is soul destroying as a kid
I'm NC with them now because of it. Set her straight each & every time

YANBU, I don't know what happens to some women when their children become mothers but my own mother has completely changed since me and DSis had children. Everything is judged and commented on, really inappropriate- it's as though she feels judged if we do anything different to what she did, it's a defense mechanism. I'm taking note of all of it and going to remember how not to act if/when my own DDs become mothers. No good advice OP but I feel for you. Congrats on your twins, you sound like you're doing a great job x

Concentrate on your babies, your mum is unable to interact with you correctly but your babies need you now. Rise above and be that good mum she wasn't able to be for you

OP I remember your earlier thread & glad it improved a bit. This is different she’s trying to talk to you through your DCs. Text & advise DCs condition & add that you won’t tolerate her talking to you in a 3rd hand way especially if negativity- if she wants to bring something up to talk to you. If she says negative things to your babies about you again tell her you will be NC

Unfortunately OP your mum may well be in denial about your depression as a teenager (as admitting it would mean admitting to herself she did a crap job as a parent when you needed help and support)

My parents paint me as being a difficult/awkward child. (Turns out I likely have ASD) and it suits them and the way they remember my childhood to have me in that ‘role’, and they weren’t bad parents, but they were in denial about a lot of things!

I would say at the moment it’s not worth the fight - you have enough stress and anxiety going on.

When things have settled down it is worth saying to your DM ‘I don’t like you saying those things to the babies, it’s inappropriate and upsetting for me’ and keep repeating! Unfortunately you may never ‘change the narrative’ in your DMs head, but you can ask her to stop saying it to your DTs

I remember your thread. Well done for dealing with the situation. Sorry to hear your baby is unwell I hope you are all home soon.

I am not allowed to go against the narrative of my youth, which is basically that everyone thought I was OK because I didn’t say otherwise. Forget me dropping to six stone something at one point and wearing long sleeves all year round from being 15 to hide my scars...

She responded that I’d always insisted at the time that I was OK. I saw red at this point and replied that perhaps she shouldn’t have just taken me at my word.

Im sorry that your baby is poorly and your mum is being insensitive

I just wanted to say that the above statements really resonate with me because my best friends ds is going through something very similar. We can all see him on self destruct, depressed, self harming, but he insists he is fine and won't accept any help or input from us and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. Unfortunately there is no help unless he wants to access it himself and he doesn't think there is anything wrong. At the moment we have to back off because our "constant nagging" is in danger of alienating him further. His poor Mum is at her wits end. Maybe you and your mum are both right about the way things happened?

Take care

@ohfourfoxache I wouldn’t want to go as far as keeping her out. I would quite like a few days respite from her though!

@IdahoJones it is so weird isn’t it? They are her first GC and she has waited years for them! It should be a happy time despite all the obstacles so far. Her behaviour is just utterly baffling.

@Peakypush I feel the same about my DM. I think she takes every decision that is the opposite of hers as a criticism rather than just seeing it as different opinions/ways of doing things. I actually think her comment to my daughter today was a dig implying I might find the babies easy now, but I’ll eat my words when they become nightmares like I was (in her eyes) as a teen. It’s almost as if she wants me to struggle.

@Passingwords I will be continuing to make it clear that her behaviour is not OK. If she wants to flounce as a result then that’s her decision.

@UnderHerEye She’s in total denial. I just want to leave the past where it is, which makes it even more frustrating that she keeps bringing it up.

I’m sorry you experienced similar growing up. It is so hard

@nokidshere I certainly accept that I was hard to help. I was frankly utterly screwed in the head as a teen. My DF was no help to DM either as he had his head in the same even more than she did.

Tbh though I think blaming me is her way of absolving her responsibility. My DB had loads of issues as a teen (suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitals etc.) I was always being told I was the sensible one

I hope your babies are well very soon.
I realise that you have very recently had twins and that you are under a lot of stress and worry with the babies not being well.
I think your mum might also be stressed with worry about you and the babies. She may be going over things in her mind about babies and children. She could be filling in the empty moments with chatter.
It is a difficult time for you all.
From experience I would say that the teenage years are when DCs change a lot and quite a lot of teenagers are a worry for DMs. It is when many go off track and the worry is not for DM and you as a teenager. She is clumsily saying that she hopes baby will always be as good as they are today.
I know people who will not visit in Maternity because of the charged emotions. It is a phase of life and your DM is remembering another time/phase which concerned her.
You cant risk a falling out as you are dependent on your Parents for lifts to and from the hospital. You cant have them driving all over the place and growl at them at times.
It is a time when stress over comes normality. You should give each other some slack to get through this.

I saw your previous thread, keep on telling her not to talk to your babies like that.
It’s very unfair on you
Stick to your guns and just keep repeating don’t talk to my babies like that.
You may be hormonal op and very worried about your babies but your mother is behaving very badly.
She is trying to undermine you and should be stopped now.
I hope your stay in hospital is a short one

Congratulations on your babies.

You know your mum is not saying this stuff to the babies. She's saying it to you Lipstick. So call her on it. You can either use it to start a conversation, or tell her that now is not the time, you can talk about it when you are stronger. But right now you need her support and love, not criticism of your teenage self.