To still be annoyed with how my DM speaks to my babies?

[Lipsticktraces]

Posted a thread a few weeks ago regarding my DM. To briefly recap, I have four week old premature twins who have spent a month in NICU. Thread was regarding DM calling me a nasty mummy etc to the babies when I was changing them or having to do anything to them that upset them. I eventually made it clear that it wasn’t acceptable, and I don’t want my babies being spoken too in such a negative way.

It seemed to have improved until today. Twins were discharged during week, but we’ve ended up in NICU again this weekend due to twin two being unwell. Needless to say I’m at the end of my tether with stress.

DM came to visit today and was cuddling and talking to twin one. We’d been discussing what a good baby she is and DM started going “you’re a lovely girl, no bother at all, just like your mum was until she turned 15 and changed” This is something she’s enjoyed saying periodically over the years. In reality I changed in my teens due to severe depression which I never got help with despite developing an eating disorder and self harming. I replied to DM that I changed due to my depression that no one ever helped me with. She responded that I’d always insisted at the time that I was OK. I saw red at this point and replied that perhaps she shouldn’t have just taken me at my word. I then told her she would never speak to/about my brother like this (she can’t wait to big him up and defend him to everyone)

She then put twin one back in her cot, said she was going to leave and walked out of the room. She left me in tears at my poorly sons bedside in a fucking intensive care unit.

She text me later asking how he was doing as if nothing had even happened. I don’t know what to do next?

So sorry your babies are poorly, I hope all will be well soon.

I think charitypringle has nailed it.

Just tell her the update. I agree with others, take this up with her every time. Just be super clear that you won't talk about your teenage years, you don't want her to bring them up in front of your babies and will ask her to leave next time she does it, if she does it again.

It's not your hormones and much as you may or may not need her help - you certainly do not need that level of negativity. Focus on your babies.

What a petty woman your DM is trying to get a passive aggressive dig in at you while you are postpartum and managing the stress of premature twin babies.

Try to ignore her and not make any rash decisions or start conflict because you are already under enough stress. You would be within your rights to say to her, however, that if she is not being helpful then she can just leave as you have enough on your plate right now without her giving you a hard time too.

Also, be on alert for postpartum depression because with your history of depression and the lack of support from your family, you’re at higher risk than average for it. I hope you have a supportive DH and other kind people around you even though your DM is taking this incredibly stressful time in your life as a chance to make digs at you instead of making herself useful.

Don't let her get away with it. It will never stop - my DM did this until the day she died. They undermine you through your kids and it never stops. I wish I'd had the fortitude to tell her NO ! But I was a product of her upbringing so I put up with it. Wish I hadn't, it spoiled every visit. Speak up, call her out on every nasty comment . You'd be better off using an Uber to get to and from the hospital, and tell her to stick her lifts.

My daughter suffered from very severe depression. I knew absolutely nothing about it. There were signs, such as her spending loads of money on meals out and stuff, on her dad's credit card, which was totally out of character, , but she assured me that she was absolutely fine. She insisted that she was just having a good time with her mates. I could see that she was being hugely spendthrift, But tell me OP, what could I have possibly done to have helped her? I asked ,and asked and asked. I gave her every opportunity to talk to me.

What more could I have done? I did everything I could think of.

She insisted at the time that she was ok and she was fine.
Your implication is that I shouldn't have taken her word that she was fine. That makes me feel guilty.

This thread isn't about your feelings, BlueberryPud or how the OP makes you feel. Those are your issues. Are you the OP's mother by any chance?

It's not hormones.

OP no bloody wonder you had issues as a teen if you were brought up by a mother like that. The sort of mother who says negative things to preemie babies in hospital about their mother, recovering from birth and dealing with the stress of NICU could not possibly have been nice until you turned 15!!

So I'd try an block her out right now, build an imaginary protective cocoon around you and your babies, interact with her minimally and save dealing with her until you've a bit more time and energy. I don't know if she's a narc (she's behaving that way right now) but it seems the best way to deal with her would be the same: minimal interaction and stick to facts. Don't engage in anything to do with emotions, or you'll be wrong and she'll waste your energy.

You will have to have a dealing with her though. And she'll storm out and be the wronged one, no matter how gently you say things. Don't worry about that, you can't avoid it, just know it'll happen.

YANBU

It’s when we have kids we often look into past parenting a bit deeper

Add in hormones and your natural stress ....

Now is not the time to address this issue !

Block her out and Address when you feel a wee bit more Robust ?

I'd take the baby off her and say to baby "who's a nasty bitch? Grandma. Grandma's a nasty bitch

.

Maybe don’t do that !!

I read your previous thread. I agree with you it is baffling. She clearly has issues of some sort. I suggest that whenever she says something inappropriate, repeat it back to her slowly with a "really?" on the end. Do this ever single damn time until she stops. I think if she doesn't stop after a long while I would email her and ask her why she does it, tell her no-one else you know ever does this and that you consider it destructive. If she continues then, having been told over a period of weeks and months. You have no choice but to go NC.
My Gran used to put Mum down all the time and when we were young and impressionable we were influenced by Granny to a degree and saw DMum as lesser for a while. Once we were older we saw it though and realised what a nasty bitch Gran was to Mum. I suspect on some level your Mum is trying to improve her standing with the GC's and she is starting early! It's low level but nasty insidious behaviour. She is not a nice person. You are right to be on guard around her. Perhaps prime others to pick her up on what she says too?

Crikey I can't believe people are siding with your mum.

Is your DH back at work or is this one of his weeks paternity leave? Can you spare the money for taxis, do you have friends that will do the odd lift even if it's on their way home from work?

I think you did so well to tell her how it was. It's hard in the moment. I was the 'sensible' one too and developed terrible depression that was never noticed. I could never have been that clear with my mum.

If you have the strength, keep doing it. Detach from them practically, emotionally, financially. You need some space just now. You will then break the cycle with your babies. I hope you are all home soon.

It is not acceptable for your mum to do this and I think you are right to be upset. Presumably she now knows her comments upset you and hopefully will think next time. At the moment you must be out of your mind with worry but looking after one new born is hard let alone two and you need your DPs for lifts so I don't think now is the time for a big family argument about how she dealt with your problems as a teenager. None of us are perfect parents and it is a tough job. Just ask her not to do it and revisit in a few months time when you are less stressed and hormonal and maybe she has had a chance to adjust to grand-parenting which is different to parenting.

This is awful. The Grandma is providing a free taxi for the DH. Y

It is clear from some of these posts that grandmas are ok to be used for a free taxi service but say something the MNetter does not like and the shout goes up to go No Contact. That is too near to emotional blackmail.
Teenagers are often horrible it is part of the job! Can OP really and truely claim to have been the perfect teenager? It is never to be mentioned that OP was a trial in their teens but grandma is berated on MN.
Try being fair.

Blueberry it’s not about then. It’s about now.

If your child is grown and happy again, then those years of illness should be talked about as just that - an illness.

If OP had suffered from an awful physical illness, the narrative would be ‘oh I felt so awful that I hadn’t realised you were getting ill, and then you were, and I’m not a doctor I couldn’t help you, gosh it was such a terrible time, I’m just so glad you got through it you wonderful person, and look at you all grown and happy now with your own children it’s so wonderful’

Should be similar for mental health problems. The focus should never be on how difficult the sufferers illness was for other people it’s so self-absorbed...oh I couldn’t believe you got so ill you selfish cow and I had to sleep in the hospital it was so uncomfortable . It’s just not acceptable to talk about physical stuff in those terms!

OP, I have gone NC with my Mum but I appreciate that doesn’t work for you right now. Would having a ‘script’ help? For example, when she starts, saying

“THAT is not something I want to hear right now thankyou”

And move the conversation on to bland topics every time. Just don’t give the nastiness headspace. Although I appreciate it’s easier said than done.

A taxi service to visit NEWBORNS IN NICU.

FFS. Talk about self-absorbed! That’s exactly how my mum would have framed it ‘oh it’s ok for you to use me...’

MIL, on the other hand, would only be thinking about what she could do to help those poor babies, and wouldn’t even think about the ‘inconvenience’ of offering lifts.

Guess which one is an integral part of our children’s lives!

And yes both grandmas have been in hospital, MIL is the one who gets our time and effort because what goes around, comes around.

I went through very similar. Our second was very poorly and once home I developed depression, anxiety and PTSD. Before I knew I had all these things I had a breakdown and rang up the hospital begging them to take my baby back as I couldn’t cope. I rang my mum explaining that I couldn’t do it. Her response? To tell my grandparents and report back that they have all decided if my daughter ended up back in hospital they would all disown me and be disgusted by me. So I battled on and didn’t seek any help for a while. I’m now properly mentally fucked but managing better. Baring in mind I had a lot of medical equipment in my home, a toddler and an eight month old who has always been in hospital and who I couldn’t touch, she would always comment on the messiness of my home. Yeah it was messy but always clean, here’s the kicker, her house stank, was cluttered and the dogs always had shit in the cage they were locked in all the time. Long story short, after years of this shit I finally went no contact. Best decision ever, I cope better not having so many expectations put on me and life is a breeze in comparison. My mum also made comments about me to my children calling me stupid etc and denied any abuse I had growing up. Some people are toxic and should not be welcome in there lives.

She is putting you in your place, she feels threatened now you are the mum and doing it well, she knows she didn't do well.

Stillme1 Sorry, are you saying that people like my mum that would drive me up to see my daughter when I couldn’t afford the train, are allowed to be nasty?

Oh and my mum did used to say “I’m driving you to see your sick dying baby, you aren’t allowed to be upset with me about anything because I’m driving you somewhere” obviously that isn’t verbatim but that’s basically what she was saying. She always brought up me asking for a lift to see my dying baby in fact, she point blank refused one day to ruby I the hospital to grab milk as we had none and had no money. We figured something out and that’s when I realised I don’t actually need her. Now she doesn’t get to see her grandkids. Being a cunt isn’t negated because you I’ve the odd lift.

You’ve given*

Run to the hospital*

I’m so sorry your babies are unwell, I hope your little one is out of hospital and home with you soon

FWIW my mother is exactly the same, she is a nasty piece of work who revels in telling anybody and everybody about how HORRIBLE I was as a baby, and what a “little bitch” I was growing up. This was karma for all of my misgivings.

Every single thing she’s ever done that has in some way benefitted me is held over my head, even if I say thank you and give little gifts unless I never speak a word against her that I’m a “horrible, spiteful, ungrateful bitch.”
Truthfully, I really can’t stand the woman, I’ve grown tired of her crap, and though I love her after all she’s my mum, she makes my blood boil.

I’ve told her that if she ever speaks to my DD like that about me, then I will happily go NC, after all if I was/am so horrible it’s obviously learnt behaviour.

Quack I am not at all saying mothers are entitled to be nasty. Nor am I trying to say all mothers are perfect. I am not saying teenagers are perfect or all wrong either.
No one is perfect. The constant berating of mothers of MNs is short sighted. They will one day be the mothers and mils of the future and likely come in for a lot of criticism. A lot is made of what this mother has said but little of the assistance she is giving with lifts.
My point is no one is perfect not even MNs

But surely giving a lift isn’t that amazing a thing if it comes with nastiness. I don’t think we should ignore the nastiness just because of the help she is giving. I’m thankful for my mum giving me lifts and at such a time I needed it but the shit I had to take wasn’t necessary, I always said thank you and that should have been enough. You learn to cope without that help and honestly I’m better for going no contact. Doesn’t matter if I may be a grandma in the future, I shouldn’t have to take shit just because they have also helped. I think we see a lot of mum bashing (for want of a better way to say it) on mumsnet because people tend to come here from stress and to gain some advice or sympathy from others who understand etc. Doesn’t mean that they are all wrong, it just means that’s what people want advice on. You aren’t going to see millions of people coming on to praise their mothers when there is no need really. I do like reading a nice thread on here but I can understand why they aren’t the majority.

Sorry to all the people on this thread who have had similar experiences with their mothers

FWIW We’ve never actually asked my parents for a single lift. They have offered everytime. Of course we are greatful to them for that and I thank them every time. However I don’t agree that the pay off for their help should be allowing my DM to make unkind, passive aggressive digs.

I’m sure I wasn’t the perfect teenager, but what teenager is? It’s in the past though and I neither want nor need it referenced in my present.

I will continue to speak to her as she’s my DM, but I’ve decided to try and cut back on the amount of help I take from her. It’s not a great feeling. Who else can you rely on if not your parents when your ill child is in NICU? I also won’t be offering her cuddles with the babies until she can do so without saying negative things about me in the process.