To still be annoyed with how my DM speaks to my babies?

[Lipsticktraces]

Posted a thread a few weeks ago regarding my DM. To briefly recap, I have four week old premature twins who have spent a month in NICU. Thread was regarding DM calling me a nasty mummy etc to the babies when I was changing them or having to do anything to them that upset them. I eventually made it clear that it wasn’t acceptable, and I don’t want my babies being spoken too in such a negative way.

It seemed to have improved until today. Twins were discharged during week, but we’ve ended up in NICU again this weekend due to twin two being unwell. Needless to say I’m at the end of my tether with stress.

DM came to visit today and was cuddling and talking to twin one. We’d been discussing what a good baby she is and DM started going “you’re a lovely girl, no bother at all, just like your mum was until she turned 15 and changed” This is something she’s enjoyed saying periodically over the years. In reality I changed in my teens due to severe depression which I never got help with despite developing an eating disorder and self harming. I replied to DM that I changed due to my depression that no one ever helped me with. She responded that I’d always insisted at the time that I was OK. I saw red at this point and replied that perhaps she shouldn’t have just taken me at my word. I then told her she would never speak to/about my brother like this (she can’t wait to big him up and defend him to everyone)

She then put twin one back in her cot, said she was going to leave and walked out of the room. She left me in tears at my poorly sons bedside in a fucking intensive care unit.

She text me later asking how he was doing as if nothing had even happened. I don’t know what to do next?

I think when you have a baby, you do think back to your childhood and how you were parented. I would dwell on stuff Id not thought about for years and years. Your DM is clearly also thinking back to when she was a mum to you and that is why all these daft comments are coming out. By speaking to the DCs it’s a way of passive aggressively having a dig at you. The trouble is, it could well continue as your D.C.s grow up. I think maybe you need to say something a little momentous like - “Right, you need to listen to me, and you need to take notice. I do NOT want you to keep making these comments about me to my babies. I am NOT going to discuss this. I do NOT have any interest in whether you think I am being unreasonable or not. This is MY decision. They are MY babies, and I won’t want you here if you won’t respect that. Right, see you tomorrow/ Thurs etc and we can start from there....” You have to be firm. The way to deal with passive aggressive is to confront or ignore. There’s too much emotion here for you to ignore and you’ve too much on your plate to let it continue. Hope your babies are well and back with you soon, xx

My parents have done this to me my whole life-although I'm lucky enough to have never been in a situation with hospitalised children-I hope yours are better and home soon.
My parents used to refer to me oh so hilariously as 'it' to their friends 'oh look 'its' in bad mood' 'it was an awful child'. It's taken me until now to realise how damaging that and other aspects of their behaviour were-including their total failure to recognise how some of their behaviours were harmful. I've gone a bit lower contact with them now-and that has helped, though I've hated doing it. I would love a close family and it's hard to realise I'll never have it.
The only time I ever saw them confronted by their own behaviour was when we were out for dinner once with my childhood best friend (as adults). My dad started accusing me of being bad tempered apropos of nothing really-and made some comment about how I'd always been irrational. My friend just calmly said, 'but she isn't being bad tempered. And no wonder she appeared irrational if you have always spoken about her like that in front of other people-I'd go mad if my dad said something like that about me' then just changed the subject. My parents were uncharacteristically quiet after that and a tiny bit nicer for a few months afterwards. Would something like that help? Could your dh just have a quiet word with your mum and say ' she found The way you were talking about her upsetting and I can see why-could you knock it off?'

I remember your last thread. Your mother was passive aggressive and unpleasant then and it sounds like she's starting to slip back into old roles. Its good you are setting boundries.

nellieellie is spot on.

Giving birth has a way of stirring up the past especially problems with your mother. It did with me and my psychiatrist said that's very normal when there's a bad history between mother and daughter especially stemming from childhood.

@nellieellie I’ve already said a version of that. I’ve told her that I won’t have her speaking about me to babies in a negative way. It clearly isn’t working, so I’m going to have to be firmer.

Not today though. I’ve gone out of ward to avoid her while she drops DH off. Having a bad day emotions wise and can’t face it.

@FullOfNothing Giving birth has certainly made me reflect on how I don’t want my DC to be raised. I look at my DD and cannot imagine in a million years saying/doing the things to her that DM did to me. I think my DM senses this on some subconscious level and it really annoys her.