To think she's being a right CF?

[itchybumhole]

A bit of background first, and I'll try my best to give all the relevant information, but as I don't know much about the workings of the system I'm unsure what I need to include.

My partner split with his wife 3 years ago after 13 years together and 7 years of marriage. They have an 11 year old child together. Their marriage ended very acrimoniously after a series of infidelities on her part.
When they separated he immediately moved out of the family home with just his personal belongings and stayed with his parents until he could find a rental place. Since leaving he has paid her child maintenance by private agreement on a weekly basis.

She has today received a letter from HRMC saying she needs to repay tens of thousands of pounds in overpaid tax credits. The tax credits were paid to her during the time that he had left the family home. (He's always worked full time. When he left she went on to benefits. She hasn't worked in 13 years apparently).
The notice says that if she claimed as a couple then both parties must repay, so she called him today and said he's liable for half. His answer was... but how can I be? I have receipts for rent paid to my own house. I didn't benefit from this overpayment so why should I pay half back?
We're both so confused. What does he do now? I've told him to call HRMC but he's still smarting from the phone call from his ex wife. We're these benefits claimed fraudulently? And is he liable to repay half as she insists?
Thank you for any help or advice.

It's all been very quiet today. DP is at work and obviously busy because I haven't really heard from him much today. Hope he's okay.
He was very quiet last night... I think the threat of his daughter moving away is upsetting him even more than he's letting on.

He would have got a letter too if he owed them, they usually chase both parties.

@itchybumhole so what was on the statement she wanted him to sign?

"DP is at work and obviously busy because I haven't really heard from him much today."

Did you not say that he was discussing the matter with HMRC yesterday, so (presumably) would know by now the extent of his liability towards this debt, and whether it was his loan application that caused the benefit fraud investigation?

Presumably he also told HMRC that he did leave the home prior to making the loan application, and offered them evidence of this. Has he told his ex that he's done that?

HMRC wouldn't talk to him....

Of course HMRC wouldn't talk to him, he's not claimed, they've not written to him, there's no contact between them at all.

in your words prick… so many assumptions being made

Yawn.....

Someone wants to feel a bit clever.

The only things I've stated as FACTS are what the OP herself has said or clarified.

To anything that isn't a FACT, just my opinion, I've used sayings such as 'I don't think' and presented my musings as questions, not facts.

A bit different from so many other statements on here such as

'She has committed benefit fraud and could go to prison'.
'"she has moved her partner in without telling them'.
' He has done nothing wrong'.

And my favourite.

"Mother is obviously a money sucking shrew'

It is ALL speculation as none of us know all the facts, yet people keep presenting things as facts and ripping this exes character apart in the process. Which I just find really unsavoury, sorry.

And yes, obviously, you can earn millions and still have a poor credit rating. But FOR A REASON.

So what's his?

How old is his daughter OP? And how often does he have contact?

And could his ex have been saying that she'd lose her own home if she has to pay the full amount and would therefore have to move away with her new DP, rather than. just threatening him with this for the sake of it?

@itchybumhole so what was on the statement she wanted him to sign?

Presumably he also told HMRC that he did leave the home prior to making the loan application, and offered them evidence of this. Has he told his ex that he's done that?

You keep evading these sorts of questions OP. Why? You seem really determined to label her as the only one in the wrong here - are you sure that's the case?

Interesting post from PP who says she is the 'ex' in a similar situation - sounds like her ex is being very economical with the actual truth - how do you know your DP isn't doing the same?

prick youre doing to the dp what you say everyone else is doing to the ex.

So hes got a shit credit rating - so what?

They have almost equal contact according to op. (Not relevant either)

She clearly has been claiming as a single person or her dps name would be on the letter. Its not.

Presumably if ops dp picks up/drops off daughter to her mums he will know if new bf lives there.

*Prick
*
I have answered these questions. The statement was never drawn up. She asked him on the doorstep one day as the returned his daughter if he'd sign something she'd written to get HMRC off her back. He said yes, but only if it was truthful. She never mentioned it again.

They wouldn't talk to him when he rang HMRC, as I've already said. He's offered his ex wife any statements of proof she needs to help her case, but she doesn't seem bothered about those things according to him.

And I've also said how old his daughter is and how often he has contact, and any other questions you've asked.

He's got a shit credit rating because he defaulted on some credit card repayments. He told me last night. No massive deal for me. He told the truth and didn't try to blame anyone else, he just said he hasn't been awesome at managing money in the past.
He also told me how large his debts are... they're much less than mine.

And also I'd like to say that I don't know if he's being economical with the truth. How could I?
But then how do you KNOW your partner has always been faithful to you? You don't KNOW. You just trust them... because until the moment they lie to you there's no reason not to, is there? Not all men are bastards.
And I'm certainly not going to set out in any relationship from a position of suspicion and distrust. That would be the fastest way to make it fail.

And for the record, had I been keen to paint the ex wife in a bad light I would have told about the abuse in my first post. I didn't, because it's not relevant. It only became so when I had to get across to a couple of people on here that he was a mess when his marriage ended and why.
There's much more to tell re. the domestic violence and cheating. But I haven't spilled my guts to you on that.

flaming

No. I may be coming across as sceptical to the OP or her DH rather than the ex in the story, yes, because IMHO nothing is as black and white in real life as it will appear when you are only hearing one side of a story.

But still - I have not made any assumptions. Look the word up. I have presented nothing as a fact, because we don’t have any. Unlike your assertion that his name WOULD be on the letter. We don’t know that.

And as for the telling me what is relevant, patronising much? . You sound even more invested in this than the OP does....

A poor credit rating - could (obviously) hint at previous debts/ bad payments etc which could be relevant.

bumhole

Sorry, but I still think you’re being naive.

And yeah, I bet there’s more to tell on the DV and cheating side, but I’d be much more interested in hearing her side tbh.

Anyone who's claimed tax credits recently knows if it's a joint claim, both names, both incomes etc will be on the letter.

Its not so much about being invested in it as it is calling out bullshit.

Op knows he has debts. So do a lot of people. Doesnt necessarily make you a liar or a bad person.

*Prick
*
I'm not sure if you understand how this thing works. You can't, unfortunately, get both sides of the story on a mumsnet AIBU thread.
In the absence of both versions of events you just have to take the word of the OP. That's how it works on every single post.

There's always two sides to every story, and then somewhere in the middle there's the actual truth. But we may never get to it, because I have the facts as presented to my by my DP and I can only relay them to you.

I have no reason to think he'd lie to me. In every aspect of his life he's a decent, caring, loyal, hard working man. So his word is good enough for me. Cheers.

He's still getting abusive and threatening messages from her. The last few have been really shocking, even to him, who's had 15 years of her behaviour.

calling out bullshit = shouting down/ trying to invalidate any opinion that doesn’t match your own narrative.

Ducking out. Something very disingenuous about this whole thread, not least the tandem style posting of two different posters (both defensive, both right).

I actually think it may be you who doesn’t get the ‘AIBU’ bit - as in, at your invitation, there’s people who will come along and shock, horror, actually think that actually yes, perhaps you are BU. If you’re so sure you’re not, why post here in the first place?

But hell, I’ve wasted enough time on what essentially isn’t even YOUR problem, let alone mine. .. Its for him and his ex to sort out. I hope they both manage to get it sorted without any negative effect on their DD. I suspect she’s the only truly innocent party in the whole saga.

Sounds like he needs to get a child arrangement order in place. Wpuld remove her ability to threaten hi
As well as prevent her from moving his daughter that faraway, and from changing her school without his say so.

As i assume he has her national insurance number on the screenshot, perhaps he could just send the information about his residence to HMRC directly. They won't be able to reply but I assume they can take that into account. She will then have to sort out the rest but his side is cleared.

I'm quite happy for people to tell me that no, she's not being a CF. I answered your questions and didn't rise to your personal attacks, but just because I defend my position I'm BU and you have to 'duck out'?
Ok then, see ya. 👍🏻

And also, I find it shocking Prick, that you can say you'd prefer to hear her side of the story on the domestic violence and cheating front!
Would you say that to a woman who'd been the victim of DV and had been cheated on repeatedly over the years? Would you doubt her story and say you'd be much more interested to hear the side of her abuser?

This urge to pick over the thread to find "evidence" to discredit the OP and to show that her DP is apparently a bad person looks a bit obsessive.

He doesn't need to 'step up' because he's not the one who is responsible for her committing benefit fraud.

The loan application is a red herring and easily sorted out with a letter from him to HMRC explaining the situation, with a copy of rent payments to his parents, and that it was an honest mistake based on the fact that he had a shit credit rating and was desperate so applied against the address where he had a credit record rather than his parent's house.

The threat to take their DD away and force him to travel is nasty. He needs to go to court and get a formal arrangement order in place - he can self-rep if he needs to. I suspect a judge would take a rather dim view of child access being used as a pawn to force him to re-pay part of her fraudulently claimed benefits.

This urge to pick over the thread to find "evidence" to discredit the OP and to show that her DP is apparently a bad person looks a bit obsessive

Agree. I don't understand it at all. Attacking the op, making out she's a liar, he's a liar, that these posters need evidence, want to hear the other side of the story, all in some way to prove her partner is a terrible person is odd in the extreme.

All I can think is there is a motive of these posters, the thread has hit a nerve, that they have been cast as the manipulative ex at some point so are relating it back to their own situation and can't see it cold.

bumhole

Personal attack? Where? Show me where I’ve done that and I’ll report it myself.

And I’m not getting into a debate about DV/ cheating and tbh, don’t see how either are relevant.