I want to send my DC to nursery... DM doesn't want me to

[ohshitonit]

My 2. 5 year old has suddenly become frightened of other kids, a 5 year old got in his face recently and it seems to have scared him.

His speech is quite behind as he had glue ear which is now resolved. He's at home with me and his 2 younger siblings most days. He goes to Nanny's sometimes. I am unable to manage all 3 at playgroups, we go to the shops and park often but a playgroup would be too much for me to manage.

So, my son doesn't get much social interaction with other toddlers, my health visitor thinks he would benefit from nursery, I don't love the idea of nursery as love him being here but I know he needs more. I was thinking maybe 2 mornings a week, it's an extra expense but whatever he needs.

My DM is really against it, she says she will have him 1 x day a week, but I explained its the social stuff he needs. So she said she would take him to a playgroup. She thinks he is too young for nursery and he won't benefit at this age and as I don't need childcare it's unnecessary and cruel.

What do I do? Me and my mum have different standards and I find she makes his behaviour bad really, when he goes he is allowed on the tablet for as long as he wants, he's allowed to reject his dinner for sweets and puddings because "it doesn't matter as long as he eats" so when he comes home he is truly awful when we try to take the tablet off him and rejects his dinner (I will only replace with toast).

Is nursery likely to be beneficial? I feel shit for not being able to take him to playgroups and I think my mum is trying to guilt me for having 3 close together and says I should just try to manage it but I simply can't, it's stressful and I won't be able to keep them safe.

If you can't join your childcare vouchers scheme, the government now do tax free childcare where they put in £2 for every £8 you pay.

Sounds like you're doing a great job, by the way.

OP - are you a medic! Very impressed if you are juggling that and 3 under 3!

Nursery absolutley benefits them. That’s why the government funds places - 15 hours a week from 2 years old etc, because otherwise only the people who could afford it would go, making inequality worse as rich children would have a much better, more varied early start.

I’ve got a 2.5 ear old, she’s been in nursery since she was 11 months old, 2 days a week. She’s comfortable with other children, never hits, her speech is excellent and her ability is beyond her years (starting to learn to write numbers, etc). None of that is from me - I’m a lazy parent! She literally comes home doing things, I.w holding a knife and fork, that I wouldn’t have bothered to teach her for months!

My cousin has a boy a few months older - he has only just started going nursery. His speech is very behind, and he’s very timid (runs and hides or sits next to Mum at every social event). I would have sent him to nursery aes sho to bring him on, but hey ho, people make their own choices.

My DC also goes to her grandparents 1-2 a week, where they spoil her rotten, but she also gets lots of 1-1 time and indulgence.

Send him, you’ll be glad you did!

Nursery definitely!! My 2yo is on his second week and loves it - so many toys to play with and he's learning without realising. He pointed out a triangle the other day - I've certainly not done any shapes with him!

"oh he'd be talking properly in no time if he spent more time with me" l

Next time she says something like this please do respond with something like
"Thats not really helpful mum. How do you think it makes me feel every time you say something like that?"

"Can you please just try not to give advice or opinion unless I ask for it. It does not help me"

If you relationship is otherwise generally Ok, are there any playgroups you could go to together?

My 2 year old goes to a playgroup, and he only really interacts with me and his cousin who is 1, and who we see a few times a week anyway. He has a lovely time but there is very little interaction with other kids. I guess you could say that at least he isn't phased by the noise etc, but he certainly hasn't made any new friends or anything.

He will start pre-school probably in April. He will be closer to 3 than your DS, but all the same, he will be starting for the interaction and routine etc, rather than our need. I would suggest starting him two mornings or afternoons a week as you've said, see how it goes. After the first couple of weeks I bet he will be a different child.

I think he would come on leaps and bounds at nursery. His speech will improve he will be able to play, experience other situations etc etc just like you want send him your HV is right, your mum is just over protective but he will be fine and if he doesn't settle you can take him out but he imo will thrive ☺

Honestly your mum sounds like a hindrance rather than a help.

My son started nursery at 2.5. He had speech delay and it helped a lot. He’s 3.5 now and I just increased his hours to 2 days.

A balance would probably be good for him, some hours with you, grandma and a childcare setting.

Your mum sounds bad for your mental health. Undermining you, making you feel like she's done better, telling your son you are mean and silly...i would set some boundries with her.

She doesnt sound like she would be great for his development either. Nursery isn't cruel, its a group of his peers that he can play with and they all learn from each other.

I think this issue is a good opportunity to show your mum that you're in charge of your own life and your own kids and that your decisions are perfectly valid.

The complaints on here are usually about MILs, not DMs, and often re trivia (where there's a hidden agenda). This isn't trivial though, and it's quite important that OP gets it right, which I'm sure she will. Nursery seems to be the way to go, and would probably do Ds the world of good. Tots that age don't necessarily interact, but at least they get used to having other children around, and learn to play together

I would try to find a nursery you and your child like, one of my children went at 2 and loved every minute, 2 days a week they started with.

Stop listening to your mum.

Both of mine went to a lovely local Pre school. I liked that they had friends they started school with, it was lovely.

Just agreeing that a good nursery does stuff that few parents can/would want to (DS’s has chickens, FFS).

Children that age are desperate to be with other children (it’s a developmental milestone). I often see DS looking on shyly when I take him to playgrounds, wanting to play with older children. I went along as a helper on a nursery picnic to the local park and it was so lovely to see him playing with the other children as a full part of the group. Seeing him toddling around with his little friends made me feel so glad I had sent him.

I also really like all the messy play they do, and the fact that they are in a group means that the children do learn to sit down nicely at lunchtime and feed themselves. DS always wants to sit on my knee or climb on the table at home, he behaves much better at nursery because he follows the rest of the group!

Our DGC goes to nursery.I take and collect a couple of days a week.After a few wobbly drop offs she has absolutely thrived.Her vocabulary is coming on amazingly,they cook nutritious home cooked meals that they eat around little tables,teaching them invaluable social skills.I still work part time so couldn't have her all day even I wanted to.Your mum is undermining you most unfairly from what you've posted.

In my experience, for a child with speech delays/social issues, a really professional and caring childminder was the way forwards. Because our lovely CM only had two other kids to think about, she got to know him so well and he had chance to build up his social skills slowly but surely. They always did half the day at a group and half together playing in the garden or the house. She was very involved in his ongoing support etc and was just wonderful all round, loving but clear and knowledgeable about child development. FWIW I would remove the tablet completely, it’s really not going to be doing any of you any favours, and instead of taking the kids to the shops, order online and try playgroups again. People aren’t looking and judging as much as you think they are, everyone struggles, especially with more than one child. The library groups tend to be more chilled I always find. Also as Pp have said he may be entitled to a two year old free place. It’ll be ok, do what you think is best, you can’t let your mum decide.

Our DC absolutely loved nursery and they had far more opportunities there than I could have given them at home. It sounds like a great idea from what you've posted here.

Kill two birds with one stone. Widen your son’s social circle and cut the apron strings with your mother. She doesn’t get a say, end of.

Your mother isn’t concerned about your child’s needs her concerns are maintaining her controlling and manipulative tendencies. She controls you via your children and that is a dynamic that you shouldn’t condone.

There's always the playgroup/preschool type of nursery rather than the all day caters for working parents type. Still trained staff but not tending to be nursery nurses. My DGC benefited hugely from one of those.

Nursery and a day with her if I had 3 under 3!

At 2.5 he is quite old to start nursery - the sooner the better i would think. parents and younger siblings are no comparison to other children and adults, and a granny with the attitude you are describing is probably worse than staying at home.

I think your mum has a very selective memory. All the amazing things she did with you as a child and she does pretty much the opposite with your ds. My suspicion is she remembers that June day she took you to the beach and the August day you had a picnic in the park and the rainy autumn afternoon you spent in the museum (all made up examples, obvs) and, in the fuzziness of distant memory with all the drudgery and routine filtered out) the day you started off with a walk on the beach, followed by lunch in the park, taking in a museum when the weather turned was the best one ever out of many similarly jam packed days.

Not RTFT but my DD started Nursery at 1, not because I needed her too for work but because I didn't go to any groups anymore as I was basically forced out by a clique of other mums there. She loved it. It really helped her grow. She is now a happy confident 4 year old and has just started school.
I would send him, he isn't too young and it isn't cruel. Just send him one day a week at first if you can.

We used four nurseries with DC1 in London, largely bad experiences, don’t think it benefited DC1. Had a CM with DC2, who had language difficulties, which for us was much better. DC2 did go to a smaller nursery (we’d moved out of London) aged 2.5 when CM decided to change occupations and that worked out fine.

They’ll help with his speech and language at nursery and he’ll learn lots of social skills being with other adults and children. If they do hot lunches then let him have them, they eat so much more after watching the others eat.