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Original poster

I want to send my DC to nursery... DM doesn't want me to

101 replies

ohshitonit · 17/09/2018 10:10

My 2. 5 year old has suddenly become frightened of other kids, a 5 year old got in his face recently and it seems to have scared him.

His speech is quite behind as he had glue ear which is now resolved. He's at home with me and his 2 younger siblings most days. He goes to Nanny's sometimes. I am unable to manage all 3 at playgroups, we go to the shops and park often but a playgroup would be too much for me to manage.

So, my son doesn't get much social interaction with other toddlers, my health visitor thinks he would benefit from nursery, I don't love the idea of nursery as love him being here but I know he needs more. I was thinking maybe 2 mornings a week, it's an extra expense but whatever he needs.

My DM is really against it, she says she will have him 1 x day a week, but I explained its the social stuff he needs. So she said she would take him to a playgroup. She thinks he is too young for nursery and he won't benefit at this age and as I don't need childcare it's unnecessary and cruel.

What do I do? Me and my mum have different standards and I find she makes his behaviour bad really, when he goes he is allowed on the tablet for as long as he wants, he's allowed to reject his dinner for sweets and puddings because "it doesn't matter as long as he eats" so when he comes home he is truly awful when we try to take the tablet off him and rejects his dinner (I will only replace with toast).

Is nursery likely to be beneficial? I feel shit for not being able to take him to playgroups and I think my mum is trying to guilt me for having 3 close together and says I should just try to manage it but I simply can't, it's stressful and I won't be able to keep them safe.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 17/09/2018 10:31

don’t feel bad that you can’t take them all out on your own. Nurseries can be fabulous - I think I’m a decent parent but regularly think nursery just beat me for parenting hands down. My son learns manners, socialising , being kind, does lots of play and lots of learning numbers and letters and is sooooo cared for.

FullOfNothing · 17/09/2018 10:32

Nursery or Preschool.

If he's on a tablet all the time at your Mum's then he's getting zero social interaction. It also sounds like she can't be bothered to do activities with him so I doubt she'll take him to groups.

Nellyelora · 17/09/2018 10:32

You don't need to as you are the parent so you get the final say, but could you perhaps compromise just to get your DM off your back. Say, ds goes to nursery two mornings a week and then DM takes DS to a playgroup once a week? Or couldn't she come with you to a playgroup to help you with all 3?

My dd started preschool two weeks ago. She's only just turned 3 and she loves it. She'd have been absolutely fine to have gone at 2.5 I just couldn't afford it. Her preschool has a few children aged 2 there.

apostropheuse · 17/09/2018 10:32

It's really none of your mother's business. Send him to nursery a couple of mornings and also try playgroup again - perhaps someone could go along with you to help. Playgroup isn't just aboout the children, it also lets parents meet other parents, which will help you feel less stressed.

I had four aged 4 and under, so I do understand that it's not easy, but it's doable. It's only a short time till they will be in school and nursery! Smile

powerwalk · 17/09/2018 10:33

Both of my children joined pre school at this age, two mornings a week will be fine. Invite other children home with you for lunch and play so he has time to socialise.

Otherwise ask your mother to look after the other two children and join a play group and take him along. This might be a better way to start and then move onto to preschool.

MTBMummy · 17/09/2018 10:33

I would definitely look at doing it, it gives a decent amount of time before he has to start interacting with kids once he starts school.

FreerOfIcefyre · 17/09/2018 10:36

I am a sahm and sent mine to playgroup/nursery 2 mornings a week from 2.5.

It is good for their social interaction and also to be around other adults that are not you or your Mum.

At 3 they both went to a nursery attached to the school they would attend for 5 mornings a week.

It is not up to your Mum how you parent. Also things have really changed from when our parents were parenting. I have a 3 year gap between my two and even that small gap saw a lot of changes on formula preparation and medicines etc.

Do it, it is to benefit your son.

MynameisJune · 17/09/2018 10:36

Don’t forget that with your eldest at Nursery your younger two get some quality time with you as well without the demands of a toddler.

Wheresthel1ght · 17/09/2018 10:38

Depending on your family income he may be eligible for funding from 2, but if he is lacking in the social side then definitely bursery/preschool is absolutely the best thing. Childminders in my area often don't have many toddlers as we have several great preschools that take them from 2.

I am sure your mum means well but it is your decision and your child. If the hv has mentioned it then it would seem they are concerned for his development. 3 under 3 is hard work for anyone, don't feel guilty but also don't be brow beaten into doing something you are not happy about.

BiddyPop · 17/09/2018 10:40

It sounds like nursery would benefit your DS (the most important part of the equation) - giving him the social interaction and some developmental stuff as well, and some time doing his own thing away from DSiblings.

It may also benefit you and DSiblings - as if you only have 2 to "wrangle" with, you may find it easier to go to playgroups some of those mornings that DS is in nursery. And even if not, you will be able to spread yourself further when you only have 2 to watch over and interact with.

But the bit that jumps out at me most is DS language - he had glue ear and that's now better. What he probably needs most (and this is a DM speaking, not a professional) is hearing others talking a lot, and trying to understand them. Both adults and especially peers (I e DCs his own age). And trying to make himself understood as well. He will improve that far more in an environment where he needs to get on and do it than sitting with DGM even if she is talking to him a lot.

I think the idea of 2 days a week is a good one. You are not shoving him out there all the time, you will still have plenty of time with him yourself (and time that DGM can take him too), and you are giving him breaks from what may be a more challenging environment as well - but you are helping him to develop and reach his best potential by giving him that space and time.

LellyMcKelly · 17/09/2018 10:42

Send him to nursery. My two loved it and still have friends from those days.

BiddyPop · 17/09/2018 10:44

Also - you may find that if you get used to managing 2 at playgroups, and also that DS gets more used to interacting generally so is more relaxed in other settings, he may also start to participate more happily as well and you may be able to go back to doing a morning with all 3 at a playgroup if you would like that.

Redken24 · 17/09/2018 10:45

Would recommend a childminder too.

hibbledibble · 17/09/2018 10:45

Your child, so your decision.

It sounds like an entirely reasonable one

NerrSnerr · 17/09/2018 10:50

Why would your mum get a say in how you bring up your children? Do what you think is best- I think nursery sounds like a really good idea.

Original poster
ohshitonit · 17/09/2018 10:51

My mum thinks I do a crap job to be honest, I do activities all day and we go out most days. She likes to go on about how I could do all amazing things early, all the things she did with me, and she was a good mum but it's very different with one child.
I think she would take him but she is a bit of a let down, often cancels last minute.

She often says "oh he'd be talking properly in no time if he spent more time with me" like i'm the cause, he couldn't sodding hear me for a year.

OP posts:
Redken24 · 17/09/2018 10:53

Fuck her - send him to a childminder /nursery he will love it

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/09/2018 10:53

Definitely nursery.

I wasn’t sent to nursery so when I arrived at school i always remember the huge shock of having to interact all of a sudden with 30 other children my age and it was an enormous thing to get over.

I sent both mine at 2. They seamlessly went into school confident and able to interact with all their peers

plumcat · 17/09/2018 10:57

It's your child :)

ChikiTIKI · 17/09/2018 10:57

Nursery. It's at least worth a try I think. If it doesn't work out then fine, time to think of something else. But if you're interested in it and think it could help then do it :)

Hope it works out ok! Good luck.

incywincybitofa · 17/09/2018 10:58

Your mum cannot vicariously parent your child.
I think 2 mornings a week is absolutely fine, one of my 2 needed nursery the other couldn't cope (a rare thing to say these days)
Also IF he needs any extra support for his glue ear such as SALT then it is REALLY helpful to have some input from an environment that isn't you if that makes sense. Just all of the extra interaction will most likely help with language.
But none of that matters, what matters is you doing what feels right for your child.

TJsAunt · 17/09/2018 10:58

mine both went to a playschool a couple of mornings a week at this age and loved it. It wasn't a proper childcare nursery - it was just a small playschool that opened for short morning and afternoon sessions.

Something like that might suit?

reluctantbrit · 17/09/2018 10:59

I would choose a nursery over a childminder. A childminder may visit playgroups but it still doesn't mean your child will get the necessary social interaction as not always the same children come and if he has trouble making himself understood the children may not necessarily play with him.

At nursery he will interact with the same children each time he attends and the nursery teacher will draw him into a circle and help him with his development. And - he has to do it without a parent/minder.

Depending on your area you may find that some playgroups do not necessarily have older children (=preschooler) there if there is a large coverage for this age. He will not benefit from playing along babies and toddlers.

Speak to some nurseries and preschools. Remember to take into account what you want to do when the funding comes in and you may want to send him more often, some nurseries have great pre-school settings so no need to change but may prioritize them for children going full days for childcare. A "normal" preschool may take him already and then he can stay with a funded place.

user789653241 · 17/09/2018 10:59

Nursery would definitely benefit his social sides, especially with speech issues.

SlothMama · 17/09/2018 11:00

He's your son it's your choice.