I want to send my DC to nursery... DM doesn't want me to

[ohshitonit]

My 2. 5 year old has suddenly become frightened of other kids, a 5 year old got in his face recently and it seems to have scared him.

His speech is quite behind as he had glue ear which is now resolved. He's at home with me and his 2 younger siblings most days. He goes to Nanny's sometimes. I am unable to manage all 3 at playgroups, we go to the shops and park often but a playgroup would be too much for me to manage.

So, my son doesn't get much social interaction with other toddlers, my health visitor thinks he would benefit from nursery, I don't love the idea of nursery as love him being here but I know he needs more. I was thinking maybe 2 mornings a week, it's an extra expense but whatever he needs.

My DM is really against it, she says she will have him 1 x day a week, but I explained its the social stuff he needs. So she said she would take him to a playgroup. She thinks he is too young for nursery and he won't benefit at this age and as I don't need childcare it's unnecessary and cruel.

What do I do? Me and my mum have different standards and I find she makes his behaviour bad really, when he goes he is allowed on the tablet for as long as he wants, he's allowed to reject his dinner for sweets and puddings because "it doesn't matter as long as he eats" so when he comes home he is truly awful when we try to take the tablet off him and rejects his dinner (I will only replace with toast).

Is nursery likely to be beneficial? I feel shit for not being able to take him to playgroups and I think my mum is trying to guilt me for having 3 close together and says I should just try to manage it but I simply can't, it's stressful and I won't be able to keep them safe.

Bloody hell, your mum needs to wind her neck in.

In France most kids go to nursery when they are 2.5 months old.

for your mum for saying he's "too young" at 2.5 years old.

Wow, your mum is putting some serious effort into feeding your PND.

Send DC to nursery. It is obvious it will be good for both them and you.

Reduce the time any of them spend with your mother. The unlimited iPad and sweets for dinner has to mean she gets only short visits.

You yourself might benefit from reducing contact with your mother for a few months. She's not a healthy influence on you or your children.

Your Mum is being very hurtful to say it's "cruel". He clearly would benefit from some interaction. My DS is an only child (also dealing with the dreaded glue ear!) and he starts nursery at around 16 months. It was the best decision we could make for him as he's now in his first weeks at school and confident with the other children.

It's your child and your choice. I would be drawing boundaries no with a DM who uses words like "cruel" about reasonable childcare decisions.

Nursery will definitely be beneficial - it will give him a chance to socialise without you being there. If he has become scared of other toddlers then he may use you as a crutch at a playgroup and just stick with you rather than playing. It will help him become more confident and will allow him to make friends.

Above everything though - you are his mother and it is your decision. Not your DM's!

So - to sum up, your son would the oldest child in your family and would benefit from socialising with kids his age or older to help him catch up on his speech now his glue ear has been dealt with.

Setting 1

• lots of time on the iPad
• no nutritional value to the food which is mainly sweets
• cancels at short notice
• undermines you and makes it clear she doesn’t agree with your parenting

Setting 2

• surrounded by children his age and older
• food which will be at least reasonably balanced
• prepares him for school
• gives you a break without judgement.

No brainer, I’d say. Find out which pre-school the kids who go to his expected primary tend to use and he’ll make friends ahead of starting school as well...

I didn’t need to send ds aged 1 and a half, but I did. He goes to a childminder who is amazing and he has thrived. I did it for him due to severe pain issues, and now I am so thankful that he goes. Socially he is a little butterfly.

I really think that given what you’ve said about your Mum being so negative towards you over him that he should be spending less time there not more. It’s really not ok to be making you feel like you’re less of a mum when her ‘parenting’ of your ds appears to be give in to him at every opportunity and make your life harder! She’s not helping him, she’s making his life harder

Definitely nursery/preschool/childminder.

And I'm saying this as someone with a toddler that goes to Granny's twice a week while I work. But as of next year, when my son is 2, he'll be going to an independent playgroup 2 mornings a week for the social interaction. Plus I think it will help make the transition to school a lot easier.

Plus, your mum sounds a bit of a twat to be honest

Ignore her. A supportive nursery environment is lovely for social development, a great chance for him to make lasting friendships and a nice break for you too. My dd started nursery at 9 months (and full time from 2.5). I had no choice because I had to work and we have no family help.

It was absolutely wonderful for her. She really blossomed there, made lovely friends (her best friend from nursery is still her best friend now in primary school), and built such nurturing relationships with her key worker and other staff. She’s in school now and we still go back for visits because she misses it.

Beyond that though, you’re the parent, you get to do the parenting, so do what feels right for you.

Definitely send him, sounds like he would really benefit.

None of your mum's business. I wouldn't be at all happy with her standard of care.

To say she brags about your amazing upbringing she hasn't exactly shown any proof of that with your child has she.

I sent mine at 2 and saw a massive difference. The benefits of a nursery setting just cannot be replicated, it's just not possible.

Go and visit all your local nurseries and see which you get the best feel for, you will know which is the best fit for your DC. By three he will get 15 hours at a school or private nursery and may struggle at being thrown in at the deep end then. (by that I mean more children, bigger ratios and a bit more school like structure. Not a bad thing but I'd expect harder to adjust to without an intro.)

Don't let her make you doubt your abilities as a mother. Your keeping 3 under 3 alive daily and that's an achievement.

The social side is very important. Keep a careful eye out for bullying - poor speech can mean poor social skills (so much of our social interaction involves saying the right thing using the right words and the right tone of voice) and being behind in these can mean social exclusion, and a downward spiral of having even less opportunity to practise. And in today's society, social skills are the most important thing in employment - we no longer have jobs where the socially inept are tolerated. Sorry - I'm not trying to panic you. Just saying that be extra careful to nurture his speech and give him opportunities for positive social interactions. Do whatever you need to explain to DM in a way that doesn't make her feel you've rejected her, eg translate "my HV says" to "medical advice because of his deafness is that he needs to be with children of his own age at least two full days a week", or whatever you think would work.

I don't really see the struggle here, 2.5 years is really old to be sending to nursery.

We put ours in for two full days at 9 months and it seems to have done her the world of good, it makes them so much more sociable.

Two mornings a week of nursery or childminder sounds like an excellent idea

^^ This.

I had this with my Mum. Sent eldest twice a week few months before she was due to start 5 day a week pre-school. It meant I got one to one with second DC and she got settled getting to know rooms and staff with a smaller group.

Second DC there were older children still at toddler groups he was going to nursery attached to school which have option of few days a week before September. So didn't bother with two days a week.

That was wrong as well according to my Mum DN went twice a week to nursery by then and my child was missing out.

I'd try it and see how it goes.

My almost 2.5 yo just started nursery 2 mornings a week, she’s also at the age where she just wants to watch tv or iPad so time somewhere that those don’t exist can only be a positive thing! By the way depending on exact age, you would only be entitled to free hours the term after they turn 3, for my dd this is not until next September when she will be nearly 3.5, as she was born in April. Jan-march birthdays get the funding from April after they turn 3 and sept-dec birthdays get the funding the January after they turn 3.

Your mum sounds like hard work and not at all good for your mental health. She certainly doesnt have boundaries when it comes to being a grandparent.

Your DC will thrive at nursery. If you pick a good one listen to what they think will be best, they may suggest two mornings rather than one full day. They will have experience and will be able to help his interaction with other children.

Honestly i think it will be very beneficial. I've volunteered in private nurseries and therefore knew what some can be like. However if you find a good one they are brilliant I think.
My son was delayed with his speech, so the health visitor suggested nursery. So we sent him. He's been going since January this year. It's been so good for him. His speech is improving so much, he's interacting with other children (he's our only child so no opportunities for that at home). And he's learning so much from being there, and he's much happier overall. He loves going.
It's the best thing we did for him. Plus it's a break for me as well. I appreciated that may sound bad to some of you, but we all need a break from time to time.

Definitely nursery/childminder/pre-school.

My DD had glue ears and limited hearing that didn't get resolved until after she finished reception. I really think the time she spent at nursery helped her a lot with both her speech and comprehension, as well as getting her ready for school plus all the social aspects. So much so that we made sure DS was in pre-school as soon as he got a spot.

They both still got time with their DGM too. One doesn't have to override the other.

You think it's a good idea - you're his mother. Health visitor thinks it's a good idea - a health care professional who deals with a whole range of children daily.
What your dm thinks is completely null and void (not doubting that she wants what's best but she unfortunately isn't the one to be making the descision)

Send him to nursery. I sent my DS at 2.5 for 2 afternoons a week and he absolutely thrived. He wasn't interacting with peers and his speech was very limited, but nursery helped bring about both. He loved it that much that when a space became available he began going more often. I don't think playgroups encourage children to interact, as you and siblings would be there as a kind of fall back. Whenever I tried playgroup my DS just stuck with me and refused to join in unless I joined in too. I think if you are looking at childminders, then you're going to be hard pressed to convince DM you're not snubbing her, as they would probably be offering the same service at your DM, so to speak - although CM may have one or two other DC.

You've all been so helpful, thank you. I don't want anyone to think my mum literally just let's him play on the ipad all day, they do loads together but it's basically based on what he wants. She's never told him off. And if I tell him off she's all "oh no nasty mummy, he's only a baby!" and he's gone from being very well behaved to thinking if he screams he will get his way. Whereas here, if he refused his dinner, he would get toast and fruit, there he would have chocolate, ice cream..unlimited offerings.

I feel bad because he loves her to bits and she loves him...but I just don't like the way she does things. She also keeps banging on about how I could read before school and how my DC could achieve that with her, like she has some skill that I don't.
I don't want to be a nob but I actually have a very professional job where teaching is part of my role (I work weekends) so I don't know what skill she thinks she has that I don't...
Anyway I'm on a rant, sorry, I've just called the preschool down the road and asked them for a viewing this week. Thank you all for helping with my perspective. I'm a bit of a wet lettuce since I had PND and doubt myself a lot when it comes to the kids.
I might look into the childcare vouchers at work... If they still do those.

Absolutely send him to a nursery setting, it's likely to do wonders for him and you. It's so hard but you need to stand strong against your mother for the sake of your child. Good luck!

Ohshitonit (Friday night dinner fan?), I send my 14 month old to nursery for 2 full days a week, I don’t need to, but he really loves it, and his social skills have come on leaps and bounds. I’m about to start studying with the OU on the days he’s at nursery. So it’s been a brilliant decision for us. I don’t feel guilty at all, my mother made a few comments about it, but that was about it.

The only drawback is the illnesses, we are both just getting over a d and v bug that was caught from nursery. But, these things happen.

@Meralia yes haha! Nobody has spotted it before.

I am a bit worried about the illnesses side as I work in the NHS and the absence policy is the worst!

She also keeps banging on about how I could read before school and how my DC could achieve that with her, like she has some skill that I don't.
My DM has said similar about my sister and I, and how my DC couldn't read when they started school. Except we both started school the term after we were 5 - DD started school not long after she turned 4 and DS was just shy of 5. Both of them took to reading very well. A few months can make a massive difference especially in skills like reading.

DD could also write her name, the alphabet and numbers when she started school. DS used to look at a pencil like you'd offered him something disgusting and wouldn't even mark a page. DS is now flying with writing too. Some DC take to things quicker than others. Don't hold much stock in what you could do compared to your DC.

I have to admit I really don’t understand this attitude some people seem to have regarding nursery and kids being “too young” to go. It’s great to have the options of having family look after them but many people don’t have this and nursery is a given once mom returns to work. My son went at 12 months. He took a little while to settle (maybe 2 weeks) and I can’t say what he would have been like if he had been at home instead but he is thriving ! Speaks loads, shares toys and knows how to play and interact with other kids. He’s now two. The nursery staff are really lovely and give us loads of updates on his development- all documented very well. They call if he’s not himself and keep us updated ok activities etc.
Just make sure you find one that you are happy with - he’s your son so it’s your choice. In my opinion most of the time kids get more from nursery than people realise. My fella comes home with paintings and collages and singing songs and doing actions that I’ve never taught him! I absolutely love spending time with him but even if The option was there for grandparents to look after him I would definitely still do nursery at least 2 days per week