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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pre nup? Feeling a bit put out . . .

64 replies

nonnatushouse · 16/09/2018 08:51

Recently engaged and OH has just sprung it on me that he’d like a pre nup in place once we’re married.

He has a DD from a previous relationship and we have a DD together.

He has his own business and owns land and a quarter of four houses (it’s as ridiculous as it sounds)

In a way I can see why he wants to do it but I’m another sense I feel as though he doesn’t trust me and if that’s the case then I’d rather we didn’t get married and stayed as we are.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Twotailed · 16/09/2018 08:54

I once heard a prenup describes as ‘making a plan while you love each other for what will happen if you dont’.

I don’t have one but in your circumstances where there are kids and complicated assets I can see the sense. Make sure you get independent legal advice if you go ahead with it.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2018 08:58

I can see the sense in that. And if you believe the marriage ex is forever, then you'd not be against it. Because it wouldn't be needed.

It's less the same for him, due to assets and a child he needs to protect, that child needs to come first over you. If he passed away suddenly you'd get the lot.

Pollypocket090 · 16/09/2018 08:59

I understand why you feel how you do.

On one hand I see why they exist, as nothing is certain for the future and people are smart to protect their assets which they might have worked very hard for.

But equally I would never marry someone who enforced a prenup. I don't see the point of marriage if it's not even entered in with doubt already in my fiancé's mind. Equally I would hope that any fiancé of mine would trust me enough to know that I wouldn't 'screw him over' for money if our marriage were to end.

Original poster
nonnatushouse · 16/09/2018 08:59

@Twotailed, thank you for that. That’s a great new persoective on it all for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
nonnatushouse · 16/09/2018 09:04

@Bluntness this is true, and from that perspective I can see why it’s a good idea.

It would protect my assets too.

OP posts:
PenguinBollard · 16/09/2018 09:12

In the UK a prenup is not legally binding.

A judge will take it into consideration but ultimately will make the decision s/he feels is fair after reviewing all the information.

So a 15 year old pre nup combined with a decade of the wife giving up work for the family will have less weight than a 6 month old prenup, for example.

blueskiesandforests · 16/09/2018 09:14

It does depend somewhat what is in the prenup... Be careful that it protects you both equally, not just him.

Neshoma · 16/09/2018 09:23

Does he want to protect his assets for his DD or so you never benefit from the marriage?

GrouchyPreggoLady · 16/09/2018 09:28

Well it was absolutely not for me.
But DH and I married young and had nothing but we share everything equally.

If you do get one then make sure you do get a property in your own name when you can as protection.

ShadyLady53 · 16/09/2018 09:31

I have a number of properties and am set to inherit the family business which both my parents and I have worked tirelessly in for over 30 years. I personally would like a pre-nup and in my father’s culture they are common, mainly as a way of protecting the bride and her future children. However, I was advised by my accountant that they are not legally binding in the UK and that, in the event of a divorce, a husband would most likely be able to claim that he is entitled to half of everything I owned or acquired prior to marriage. He seemed to think the courts would believe everything should be split down the middle.

To be honest, it’s put me off marrying a bit! Statistically most marriages end in divorce and it feels really wrong that someone could just take half of a family business (or force the sale of it) that my parents sacrificed so much for and also half of property I worked hard to buy as a single woman, without doing a day’s work to really earn it. I can see potentially things could get very messy!

greenlanes · 16/09/2018 09:34

It sound a good idea if he is bringing into the marriage significant assets acquired before the planning for marriage relationship started. But the pre nup must be fair to you in terms of what contribution you make during that time. So eg if his business was worth £1mill when you met and then during your time together its value increases to £5 mill how will that increase in value be calculated?

The pre nup should have time factors in -- so that after eg 15 years of married life does it end?

You need your OWN INDEPENDENT legal advice. But it will be a good time to sort out wills as well.

crispysausagerolls · 16/09/2018 09:40

Are you in the UK? Pre nups here are not worth the paper they are written on and are completely pointless.

I disagree with the above posters as I would have found the concept extremely off putting and I wouldn’t have signed one out of principle as it shows a lack of trust in me and faith in our relationship.

Verbena87 · 16/09/2018 09:42

We’ve not got one but like a previous poster we were renting and childless when we got married so have kind of done stuff together as we go along (been together since I was at uni, so babies really!) - we did and do however discuss stuff in detail: I think it’s sensible and honest and doesn’t mean “I’m not in this for the long run”, just “we’re a team, we’re not scared of the future, we know where we stand” kind of thing.

PurpleFlower1983 · 16/09/2018 09:42

If you’re in the UK they are not binding anyway.

dany174 · 16/09/2018 09:43

Me and my fiancé are signing a prenup before getting married. It's always been something we have agreed on in our relationship. Everything I own before getting married stays mine, everything I inherited before and after the marriage is mine and same for him. Anything we make/buy during the marriage will be ours no matter who makes more and should be divided equally after a divorce.

It's not about not trusting each other, we love each other dearly, have been together over 10 years, and I cant ever imagine not loving him but life happens. People get divorced for many different reasons and I know plenty that divorced not because of one of them cheating or doing something horrible but because people changed, love faded, life took them in different direction or they wanted other things from life. These people often still have great relationships with there ex's. So if this would ever happen to us, if for whatever reason we decided it would be better for us not to be married, then we already know how everything will be split and hopefully there will be no ugly divorce.

So what I'm saying is that in the unlikely event that we would get divorced I am hoping that even though I will lose my husband I will not lose my friend. Because nothing can ruin a friendship more then arguing over money.

Just so you know, a lot of people say they want a prenup but don't go through withit because getting a one is not cheap. Both of you have to get separate solicitors to make sure you are both fairly represented and as a PP already mention it is not legal binding, it will only be taken into consideration during the divorce.

CrazyDogLady87 · 16/09/2018 09:49

as long as both children are equally protected in the future id sign, my husbands parents have money, mine do not, a prenup was never mentioned but if i it was and my situation was similar yours, a child from another relationship and one with me, i would sign it providing both children and any future children where equally protected.

californiascreaming · 16/09/2018 09:58

As they are not legally binding I wouldn't spend a fortune on legal fees on both sides. However as the basis of a conversation with your fiance I think its probably a good idea to sit down and have a frank conversation about the assets both of you are bringing when you legally join yourselves into a married couple. And what happens should either of you die or the marriage breaks down - in 6 months time, in 5 years, 10 years etc (pick date points that are relevant given your kids ages).
I am amazed at how many people don't have these conversations and if you do then you just need to document that conversation as your 'prenup'. Yes they have no legal status in the UK but they do show your thought process, can be judged for fairness and give an idea of intentions...

harshbuttrue1980 · 16/09/2018 10:03

Prenups are perfectly fine. I have a great pension (years of being a teacher), and my boyfriend has no pension but has a lot of equity in the house he bought before we met. Its a new relationship and we're no where near to getting married, but if we did get married then I'd want to protect the pension I have paid into before marriage and I would have no problem with him protecting his equity.

I think only assets acquired during the course of the marriage should be shared if there is a divorce. No one, regardless of gender, should be able to get their hands on something acquired through years of hard work before you even met.

daisychain01 · 16/09/2018 10:05

In the UK a prenup is not legally binding

They are increasingly seen to be a statement of intent on both sides especially if enacted through a solicitor.

It's less the same for him, due to assets and a child he needs to protect, that child needs to come first over you. If he passed away suddenly you'd get the lot

If this is his fear, all he needs to do is make correct provision for his DD in his will. It doesn't need a prenup for that.

TeenTimesTwo · 16/09/2018 10:07

Both take independent legal advice.
Sign it at least 3 months prior to the marriage.
I think they are a good idea when there are considerable assets and prior children.

They may not be legally binding but a discussion about fairness before anyone gets bitter makes a good start.

daisychain01 · 16/09/2018 10:10

No one, regardless of gender, should be able to get their hands on something acquired through years of hard work before you even met.

It's a sad basis for a lifelong relationship, a partnership, to think in terms of the person "getting their hands on" possessions.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/09/2018 10:13

Make sure you don't give up your job/career/independent income to look after your SD your DD and your DH in light of any agreement that might see you stand to gain little or nothing upon divorce (leaving aside issues of binding or not).

DerelictWreck · 16/09/2018 10:14

Bear in mind that prenups aren't just about 'ooo he/she might cheat and leave and take everything I have'.

What happens if one party gets amnesia/dementia/develops mental health issues and takes off? That's no something you can forsee and in that case you'd be bloody glad you had a prenup

What if something terrible happens to a child or a member of your family and the burden of caring drives you apart? You'd be glad then if your assets were protected.

People who don't like them are too fixated on the 'oh it must mean they don't trust me' when in actuality it's just about being realistic that the universe can be a bit shitty, and protecting what's yours for yourself and/or your children.

thinkfast · 16/09/2018 10:17

To the pps who say they are not binding, that is true but they are influential and increasingly have more and more weight.

To the poster who said they took legal advice on this subject from their account. D'oh! Speak to a matrimonial lawyer about it - not an accountant!

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 16/09/2018 10:18

They may not be legally binding however as long as a judge rules a prenup fair they will carry weight in the division of assets in the event of a divorce.
If your OH has significant financial assets then he should protect them.
Unfortunately marriages do fail therefore its foolhardy to not consider all options.

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