Pre nup? Feeling a bit put out . . .

[nonnatushouse]

Recently engaged and OH has just sprung it on me that he’d like a pre nup in place once we’re married.

He has a DD from a previous relationship and we have a DD together.

He has his own business and owns land and a quarter of four houses (it’s as ridiculous as it sounds)

In a way I can see why he wants to do it but I’m another sense I feel as though he doesn’t trust me and if that’s the case then I’d rather we didn’t get married and stayed as we are.

AIBU?

Preparation for a pre nup can take months of discussions, going back and forth between you and you DP and the each of you speaking to solicitors. A decent solicitor will get all relevant info from you as well as taking what they receive from your DP's solicitor.

If you don't agree, you don't sign it.

We only got ours signed about 10 days before our wedding (due to particular circumstances separate to the pre nup)

Given your 13:01 post you need to get a lawyer and ensure your contribution to the business and caring for his DD from a previous relationship, as well as the fact you have a child together, are reflected in the prenup.

And if you believe the marriage ex is forever, then you'd not be against it. Because it wouldn't be needed.

Er, no. You'd be against it because you were obviously on your own in believing it was forever.

Both of you need separate legal advice about what the best options are to set out what you both expect financially from the marriage. It should be 2 way agreement that allows you to state what you expect to get from your joint endeavours as a couple parents and business partners. You get to plan your future against the risk of death or divorce. It preempts future arguments and challenges from various interested parties.

You have certain expectations and it’s better to test them out now than a few years down the line.

Please think carefully and be informed before making this a deal breaker for either of you. His expectations might be to get some limited and fairly reasonable provisions for his daughter and his business partners. I am not saying you don’t shouldn’t reserve the right to walk away if you are insulted or vulnerable by the ask. Just find out what it is and why he needs it first.

Actually, if he's planning to screw you over should your relationship fail, it's looking more and more likely that you should go into this with a cold business head on too. If you don't get married and split, you'll never get anything back for your (presumably unpaid) work for his business, nor any compensation for any hit your career or availability to work and earn has taken through being available to do solo care for his DD (presumably to allow him to build his business?).

Uh ... prenups are legally binding and enforceable in Scotland. Last time I checked, we Scots were still part of the UK

OP, I'm with your DP on this one. He's sitting on land, property and a business. It's not a slight again you, he's just being realistic. An awful lot of marriages fail. These are significant premarital assets and imho he is absolutely right to want to protect them. It's the sensible move. Like fuck would I be wanting to hand over any premarital assets in the event of a divorce. I'd want to ring-fence them for my children, not a future spouse.

What you need to do is sit down and work out a fair split you can both agree on for the children (current and future) and your contribution i.e. towards his business. If you can't do that, it's probably better to remain as you are. Frankly, I think he's a bit nuts to get married with assets such as those. I wouldn't be risking them personally.

Another vote in favour of having the conversation before you actually get married, as to who would get what in a variety of scenarios. Once you have seen what he is proposing, and you have taken your own legal advice on what you would be entitled to, in the absence of a pre-nup, you will understand his thinking.

This puts you into a much more powerful position than just drifting into a relationship without having those conversations, without having discussed what you each think is fair. If you are not happy with the terms, or cannot reach agreement, best to know what before you get married. If you do agree, you might as well sign as a token of that agreement.

You might be pleasantly surprised by the proposed provisions.

I can tell understand him wanting to protect his daughter.

To be honest, if anything happened between my husband and I and I remarried, I'd get a prenup. Wouldn't mean I didn't love the dude to bits and don't think it will last, simply it would mean Protecting my child would always always come first for me. So I'd get it and hope it was never needed.

But I'd do it. And I'd not marry without it. Because my child would always come before any man. No matter how much I loved them.

And if the man said he didn't want to sign it, and wouldn't get married with it, then it would probably spell the end of the relationship because I'd know he was unable to see my child came first or accept it.

Prenups are a very good idea. Where does this idea come from that it is romantic to enter into a relationship with someone when you don’t know what their financial expectations are?

The healthiest marriages I see are ones where there is complete financial transparency on both sides.

Everyone should sit down and work out what they want financially out of a relationship, how accounts should be held, what to do if someone becomes unable to work, how much they save or spend, etc etc.

If someone comes into a relationship with nothing, is it really fair to expect to have 50% of their partner’s assets from day one? Is it fair for one party to bear all the brunt of a career hit if a couple have children?

All these things should be discussed and agreed on before marriage. So many people end up blundering into relationships where they are financially disadvantaged and/or abused.

If you love someone enough to agree to spend the rest of your life with them, then you cannot be embarrassed by this sort of conversation. Or setting out the agreement in as legally binding a form as possible. It’s just sensible and could avoid a split turning really toxic over money.

Look at it this way, If you love your partner and plan to marry for live and stay married then the prenup won't matter

But if you were marrying with the thought that if you split you get half of your partners assets, money, property etc that he worked hard for then good for your partner for protecting what he worked hard for...

*plan to marry for love

A pre nup is just really clarifying that you both understand the legal consequences of the marriage contract, and the financial commitment that comes with it; which you should talk about anyway. Where there is money there will always be people with an interest or expectation - such as business partners, dependents and family. I think it is sensible to know what he intends, and have an input into the pre nup, rather than having arguments later. Legally he has to protect his business (shareholders, stakeholders etc), but he has to financially commit to you, and he has to contribute for both his children with you and his ex. Sort it now, ensure its fair, and he understands your position; and then you know how it works later, rather than building up resentment and uncertainty.
What about him taking out a life insurance policy so if anything happens to him you receive money instantly rather than battling his business partners?
Marriage is not just a love contract, it has consequences.