"Step grandad" pushes the boundaries with my two girls

[spoon1996]

I have two girls (a 2 year old and 3 month old) and he is extremely pushy on them for them to hug and kiss him. He's my partners step father who only came into his life when he was 12 (he's now 21). He always makes an excuse to take a photo of them on his phone and pressures my 2 year old to sit on his knee, give him hugs, play with him etc. My two year old is potty training and She's only able when she's naked right now and for them coming over I put clothes on her. They'd been in the house for 15 minutes and I went upstairs to get something and I heard him saying she must need a pee she has to go for a pee, get her on the potty. My partners mother doesn't act like this she barely pays attention to my girls. Her and my partner also allow this and encourage it always telling my two year to do these things and giving him first hold of my 3 month old. This all disgusts me and I would never ever let him be alone with them or have them over night etc. Am I being horrible or am I acting right? I also don't like him either, he's a bully and pressures my partner into things. He also never acted the "father role" for my partner and never bought him a bed when he was a child he had the couch or a mattress.

Firstly, trust your gut.
It does sound like boundaries are blurry. Giving hugs etc alone are normal but you know your children.
I think you need to sit down with your partner and set some serious ground rules. Can you trust your partner?

No thats wrong on so many levels.You have to be her voice.You have to stand up for her.

If he wants her to sit and cuddle and she doesnt want to.Its fine for you to get up and say no.Your child has to come before anyone else.

I think making sure your child knows it’s ok to not give hugs or kisses, and telling adults they should not be pressuring them or guilt tripping, is very important.
I’ve done this since DD was old enough to willingly give hugs and kisses, and even though it’s a bit disappointing to be told ‘No!’ by your adorable little toddler when you ask for a hug, it lets her know she’s in charge of her own body from very young.
I’d stick with your gut and start employing the same technique. And if he doesn’t follow your guidelines then tell him no more hugs, kisses or meetings again.

No that is so wrong. Don’t leave him alone with them and the knee sitting and kissing sounds horrific

I was agreeing with you all the way there, but he never bought your partner a bed? He came into his life when he was 12 years old. Why did his mother not buy him a bed

Keep your children close.

When she says no to a cuddle or kiss, you back her up by saying "she said no and I don't want her to think it's not ok to say no".

Keep repeating "she said no".

Your gut feeling is telling you some is off. Listen to it. I had an uncomfortable feeling from a family member that acted like this. My whole family treated it like it was a joke. But, I was proved right. And I haven't forgotten the times I was forced to be affectionate with him by my family whilst they joked about it.

My grandad was a peadophile and this is exactly what he'd do. They're at the most likely age for molestation to start. Watch him like a hawk and don't let the kids out of your sight- things can happen when you are in the next room. Don't trust his partner not to explain stuff away or ignore it- some women are weak and stay with their partners over their kids and grandkids. If she let her teenager sleep on a mattress on the floor when they could afford a bed she's not exactly in the running for mother of the year is she?

Start challenging him - "put her down, you need to respect her boundaries and she has said no", "why are you so worried about her toileting, it's bordering on unusual now?". Subtly let him know you're on to him.

You KNOW there is something very wrong here. You should NEVER allow your children to sit on his lap or be alone with him. Trust your instincts and don't be concerned with how your partner's mother or step-father feel about it. Please don't fail your children.

Agree with all PPs. The post made me uncomfortable tbh. He isnt actually related to them at all so thats already a no no.

You had me at the first sentence “he’s extremely pushy with them”. Fuck that. Please listen to your gut senses and protect your children at all costs.

Do what you feel is right.. if you’re wrong no harm done. If you’re right, thank gid you went with your gut feeling.

Nope! Listen to your intuition. This guy is creeping you out for a reason. His behaviour is not normal. It is definitely not normal for a guy his age to be so invested in the potty training of little kids, especially those that don’t belong to him. Don’t ever let them out your sight with him, and don’t let him take their photo. Also don’t let him pressure them to do anything physical, ie, kisses & hugs. Start the “In our family, we don’t keep secrets from Mummy” rule RIGHT NOW.

I wouldn’t even let him step foot in my house.

Thank you guys so much! You honestly have no idea how thankful I am for you all saying this. I thought I was evil thinking this and so wrong. Any time my daughter doesn't want to I do what you guys are saying as challenge him and say she doesn't want to and I purposely make her sit next to me and follow me about as much as I can. Now I'm fully ready to allow no hugs etc at all, honestly posting this has made me feel 100x better. Thank you guys!

Don't feed it.

And I would 100% never fail them ever, this happened to myself and my family as a child and I thought I was cynical and very scarred. My biggest fear is him getting anywhere near them and I'd never let him see them alone or without me able to grab them and run. Now I am fully aware and know it isn't right without my partner or his mother telling me it is. I'll probably lose my parent- which is another issue why I'm allowing the grandad to even see the girls. If we break up and my parent is allowed custody how will I ever be able to stop him allowing his parents to have the girls over night? Or not stop his step dad taking her to the toilet etc. To a huge extend this is the only reason I stay with him. Does anyone have advice on that? Again massive thanks in advance you guys are so helpful x

Listen to your gut.

Children (especially girl children) have to be empowered to say no, and we, as adults, have to back them up.

Urgh there are some fucking creepy ass men on here tonight!

Men sending dick pics to their wife's friend, men perving on his daughter's home (by letting himself in while she isn't there, and snooping on her stuff!) And now THIS - a grubby old man being overly tactile with his step-grand daughters.

WHAT the fuck? Is there something in the water?!

@spoon1996 of COURSE YANBU! Keep this man away from your kids ... He sounds vile. And have a word with his fucking wife about him!

He sounds seriously dodgy, and to be quite honest I would want my children nowhere near this man.

Start challenging him - "put her down, you need to respect her boundaries and she has said no", "why are you so worried about her toileting, it's bordering on unusual now?". Subtly let him know you're on to him

Totally agree, but OP needs to be prepared for him being angry or trying to undermine her by making her out to be stupid/paranoid because he is a manipulative, abusive twunt. Abusers often up the ante when challenged.

OP, you need a few lines ready, then go for the broken record method. So, you say"We're teaching her it's OK to say no to hugs and kisses" (or whatever). He says, "That's stupid, in my day etc etc". You're ready with your response: "Well things are different now" and just keep saying it.

He may directly ask you if you are accusing him of molesting them. Be ready for that - if you don't want to confront him directly, say something like, "We're teaching her the same with everyone - it's OK to say no to hugs".

Basically play it through in your mind and have a plan with a few lines ready, so it's harder for him to undermine you. Good luck - you are being an amazing Mum by protecting your DDs

You really wouldn't be able to stop him, unless you can just talk to him about your fears and get him to understand it. But if he doesn't and you split then you can't stop him taking the girls round there. And you can't control what happens once they are in a room with him.

I feel yucky saying this, but is stick out the relationship until both girls are old enough to tell me themselves if something ever happened. And i'd spend the time educating them about this kind of stuff and making sure you have the relationship with them that would mean they would absolutely tell you... no secrets from mummy and all that as you know the types of things men say to make them stay quiet.

Trust your own gut feelings.
Also it looks like a lot of PP are having the same gut feelings.
You and the PP here can not all be wrong.
Be cautious rather than take chances.

OP if you split of course you can stop your children from seeing the creepy step grandad. He has absolutely no legal rights whatsoever. Because of your fears you could factor this in to custody arrangements! Honestly protect your babies and get some legal advice from a family solicitor.

Trust your instinct, OP. He sounds dodgy as hell.

TRIGGER: In fact, he sounds exactly like someone I used to know. (A friend of my parents.) He creeped me out when I was a kid and years later when my DD was a baby, I took her round to see his wife as she'd knitted a load of baby clothes. I said I was going upstairs to change DD's nappy in the bathroom. He was oddly insistent I did it there and then in the lounge, on the coffee table! Of course I said no, it seemed weird and highly inappropriate. Roll on a few years and his daughter (similar age to me) had a baby. Daughter accused him of molesting her toddler and said he'd done it to her when she was a young girl. She'd said nothing when she was a child and brushed it under the carpet for many years. When he tried to do the same thing to her child, his own grandchild, she managed to find the courage to finally report him. Horrible, creepy man. All the signs were there.