"Step grandad" pushes the boundaries with my two girls

[spoon1996]

I have two girls (a 2 year old and 3 month old) and he is extremely pushy on them for them to hug and kiss him. He's my partners step father who only came into his life when he was 12 (he's now 21). He always makes an excuse to take a photo of them on his phone and pressures my 2 year old to sit on his knee, give him hugs, play with him etc. My two year old is potty training and She's only able when she's naked right now and for them coming over I put clothes on her. They'd been in the house for 15 minutes and I went upstairs to get something and I heard him saying she must need a pee she has to go for a pee, get her on the potty. My partners mother doesn't act like this she barely pays attention to my girls. Her and my partner also allow this and encourage it always telling my two year to do these things and giving him first hold of my 3 month old. This all disgusts me and I would never ever let him be alone with them or have them over night etc. Am I being horrible or am I acting right? I also don't like him either, he's a bully and pressures my partner into things. He also never acted the "father role" for my partner and never bought him a bed when he was a child he had the couch or a mattress.

Your motherly instincts are sending a warning you. Listen to them. Please.

OP if you split of course you can stop your children from seeing the creepy step grandad. He has absolutely no legal rights whatsoever

I think the OP means that she won't be able to stop her partner letting the step-grandad see them, when he has access.

• a warning to you.

Please read up on body autonomy. If children can’t say no to hugs and kisses now, how are they going to say no when they are older and pressured for sex. They need to learn and be confident that no means no. Please trust your gut. You are uncomfortable for a reason. All the best to you, stand strong. You may want to read up on gaslighting, just in case they try to pressure you.

Yuck he sounds vile and creepy. Absolutely agree with everyone else.

Agree with everyone.

Keep this man away from the kids and be vigilant.

I would get some legal advice from a solicitor about what would happen if you split up in relation to the children being seen by this man. It feels very sad that you may be staying in an unhappy relationship for this reason.

Hope all will work out fine for you and your children.

I agree with XXCStatic have a few comments ready ( and practice saying them so you are able to trot them out easily). This guy is a creep and a pervert from the sounds of it , and your babies are your first priority.

Have you checked to see if there is anything in his history that would raise red flags? I’m not sure of the process, but someone else may be able to let you know....

My grandad was also a paedophile and made us sit on his knee. I knew even as a young child it creeped me out. Unfortunately he went on to do worse things to me.
You are absolutely right to keep him away.

Does anyone know if you can check if he's on the sexual offender list? Does he have a computer? Paying a private detective to do a background check on him sounds extreme, but not as extreme as staying with your partner for the next 18 years in order to protect your child.

Good idea Tawny, OP it’s Sarah’s Law and this link explains how to use it www.sarsas.org.uk/sarahs-law/

There’s also a link right at the bottom of that page for Parents Protect which gives advice if you think your child might be at risk of abuse.

Go with your gut. Don't leave the room when he's around. Teach your daughter how to say no if she doesn't want physical contact. Practice, 'my child, my rules' Take her off him if he ignores you. If he doesn't like it, maybe he will leave visits to his partner.

Best case, he's an arsehole with no boundaries. Worst case, he's grooming your daughters in front of you. Model extremely god boundaries. No unwanted touching. No toileting. I wouldn't want him anywhere near them.

i am not one to jump to conclusions about people. but this sounds quite not right re the step grandad. and regarding his past behaviour. Its just not right that he should have this contact,re personal things with your girls..But as others have said, you have to go with your gut instinct. and not ever let your girls be alone with this man.

If the MIL is not that interested why visit them? I know you can't easily never see them bot maybe DP can visit his mother alone.

Seriously?!
It is not the role of a child to make an adult feel comfortable. Why would you even spend one minute with this freak?

Good God I would go no contact with this man under any circumstances. He’s not only grooming your child but you to accept his behaviour by pushing boundaries when you are there. Stop this in its tracks

I wouldn't trust this man. If you are separating you need your DP to be as vigilant as you. Is this possible? Can you show him this thread?

Fully agree with teaching children that they can say no to hugs etc.

I personally know of a step grandfather who caused havoc in a family with his abuse of the little girls in the family, please trust your gut. Do not leave them alone with him, or even with him and granny, since she seems unlikely to control his behaviour. And do reinforce your daughters' boundaries by saying 'She doesn't have to' and swaying point blank that certain things should not be happening. They're your kids, you have a right to say what happens to them.

Either he is grooming the family to accept his behaviour around the girls, or he has no idea how to treat children with respect. Either way, you don't want your daughters to be exposed to his behaviour.

I have a relative like this whose behaviour around DD rang alarm bells. Everyone told me I was wrong but then I found out that other stuff has happened (won’t go into details but basically very low-level abuse that was starting to increase in seriousness). Fortunately she knew to tell me and I’ve been able to stop it before it became really nasty. Unfortunately my family believe him not her so it’s only my own DC I’ve been able to keep away from him and there’s not much the police can do as he flat-out denies it.

We encourage a brief hug for the grandfather dd doesn’t see often but won’t force her. Her body is hers and she has the right to say no. The only time I encouraged her to sit on someone’s knee was with her disabled grandad, who she had happily sat on prior to being in a wheelchair. She just gave him a quick hug. I think she was just too scared to do anything else.

Trust your instincts. It sounds pretty obvious he’s grooming her. What is even more obvious is that even if he were to molest your dd, your mil won’t stop him. I agree with pps and speak with a solicitor.

The other thing I would do is document everything you heard / witnessed with dates and approximately what was said. Even video things under the pretence of documenting a cherished moment. It may be of use for the future.

When you are ready to discuss it with your partner, perhaps do it in a “that was odd, what do you think?” Rather than fait accompli.

Sensitive topic for me but YADNBU. If i were possible I’d never let him see them again - but it’s probably not. As someone else said, don’t even let him leave a room with them. Good luck OP.

I don't have anyone like this in my life but I taught my DD to high five, fist bump and clink glasses and say cheers as a way to avoid hugs if she wants to.

I found strangers would just stroke her face from newborn and it bothered me that she would grow up with people touching her without asking so I thought it would help to deflect unwanted touching without winding them up.

I would be seeking advice from nspcc. if your gut instinct is correct I wouldn't want my kids to have any contact. How will you manage requests for babysitting/ overnighters ? If he is grooming , he will also groom your MIL as well to achieve his goals. Put a stop to forced kisses , that's inappropriate for any grandparent never mind someone who is not related and is not a grandparent as I am pretty sure he won't have paternal feelings towards your partner.

I agree with PPs. I think you first need to do some digging for yourself. If the man is already known to police you have a great reason to ensure he is never near your kids if you do split up. Maybe go to your local police station and ask what the procedure is to get this information. If you have this it's your golden ticket out of your relationship as a solicitor will make iron clad arrangements for access etc.