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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To push the in laws to enjoy their retirement more?

65 replies

MulberryPeony · 15/09/2018 22:09

Looking forward to the weekly call to the retired in laws who tell us all about a trip to b&q to get a new bucket or similar because that’s been the highlight of their week.

They don’t seem to have any drive. DH and so have tried to talk to them separately to see what’s stopping them from doing the big plans that they had before retiring but they just make excuses up. We aren’t asking them to take up skydiving, joining a local walking club or popping out for a day to see somewhere new would do.

I’m worried they will regret it when they are no longer physically able to do what they want to do. It seems such a waste.

Should we push them more?

OP posts:
YouCantCallMeBetty · 15/09/2018 22:21

I'd say it's their choice and leave them to it. Their plans may have changed, there may be things going on you're not aware of or they may simply have lost interest. Do they seem unhappy?
At most you could reflect back to them what you say in your penultimate para, perhaps just asking them whether they still have those plans they talked about, are they still things they want to do sometime in the next few years?

Babdoc · 15/09/2018 22:30

Have they just recently retired, OP? Because if their jobs were high stress or physically exhausting, they may simply be worn out, and happy to just slump in front of the tv for a few months until they get some energy again.
If you live near enough, you could invite them out for a country walk or visit to a local tourist attraction, just to kick start things and give them some ideas. Or you could point them to online resources for evening classes and hobbies in their area.
It is important for their physical and mental health that they try to stay active as long as possible - it can delay the onset of dementia, and keep them mobile enough to remain in their own home rather than needing residential care.
It’s lovely that you are concerned about them, rather than celebrating that they’re not spending your inheritance on luxury holidays!
I hope you manage to motivate them to have a more enjoyable and healthy retirement.

Original poster
MulberryPeony · 15/09/2018 22:35

Not unhappy no but they seem to have just transitioned into being a old people whereas they were fairly vibrant just a few years back.

OP posts:
Grasslands · 15/09/2018 22:35

Most of my friends take 6-8 months to get a feel for their pension income.
And I agree that depending on what they were doing a brain break and chance to sleep in and veg is lovely.

Original poster
MulberryPeony · 15/09/2018 22:38

Retired between 4-8 years. They have mentioned leaving inheritances but DH and siblings have said spend it now while you can! They earned it and should be reaping the rewards. My own parents are having no bother with this lol.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 15/09/2018 22:38

How old are they?

Original poster
MulberryPeony · 15/09/2018 22:45

We got them national trust membership but they’ve only been to a handful. It has been moderately successful in making them feel obliged to get the worth out of the membership.

I’ve explained where they could look for activities, and not necessarily traditional OAP ones either, but I got a lot of resistance from MIL about past experiences of classes and volunteering.

OP posts:
Original poster
MulberryPeony · 15/09/2018 22:48

They 66/68.

OP posts:
Original poster
MulberryPeony · 15/09/2018 22:50

They are even

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 15/09/2018 22:51

That does seem a waste but I'm not sure it's your place to push them.

Alwa · 15/09/2018 22:52

In the kindest possible way, mind your own business! Don't compare them to your parents, everyone's different.

MrsDeanWinchester75 · 15/09/2018 22:55

I think it's easy to get set in your ways and the older you get the more of a hassle things seem although your Il's are far from old.

Mine had big plans to go on holidays, sell up and relocate to Wales but never did any of it, instead fil got very fat and ended up with painful joints then had a stroke which pretty much ended even their odd days out.

I don't see how you can push your il's into doing more, after so long in retirement they're probably settled.

user9876 · 15/09/2018 23:00

My PIL are exactly the same. In their case I believe it may be due to depression.

Graphista · 15/09/2018 23:01

1 it's not your business
2 maybe they're being sensible and saving their money for if/when they need care, at their ages they could easily have 20/30 years left without additional income to come in or not much.

My parents are early 70's they've seen their own parents needing adjustments made to their homes (can be very expensive) and carers coming in as they aged.

Ellisandra · 15/09/2018 23:02

Jesus, leave them the fuck alone!!!!
You bang on to them about walking groups, volunteering, guilt trip them into going to NT (some people find that beyond dull...)

Poor bloody couple probably wish you’d sod off and leave them to the pastimes they enjoying. They may be enjoying lots of sex in the afternoons.

Seriously - they’re not toddlers. Why are you interfering so much?

Angelicinnocent · 15/09/2018 23:05

Have a similar issue with my in laws. They were just starting their retirement and then BIL and his wife did something truly horrible to them. MIL has lost all her confidence and much of her enthusiasm for anything. No suggestions but watching with interest

greathat · 15/09/2018 23:09

Is there a university of the third age anywhere near them? Loads of cheap classes for retired folk

redfairy · 15/09/2018 23:11

I'm afraid if my children took it upon themselves to tell me how to live my life I'd be pretty peed orf!

Skittlesandbeer · 15/09/2018 23:13

Bloody hell, that’s young to be growing roots into your armchair! They could have another 20 years.

And I think it’s fine for OP to not fancy supporting them like old frail people for that long. I hate those long rambling monologues I get about whether the dog groomer took more than the expected 1/8th of an inch of fur, and then another half hour about whether they should defrost the chicken or the lamb for dinner. I’ve had words, and mine are 76 and 84!

When there’s no earthly reason why they shouldn’t get off their bums and actively seek hobbies and adventures, I think it’s fine (and kind) to give them a bit of a push. We do have a fair bit of evidence now that retirement does work like ‘Use it or lose it’.

Havaina · 15/09/2018 23:15

Could you get them into sheltered housing where your MIL can play Molly Brown in their amateur stage production of The Unsinkable Molly Brown?

TheVanguardSix · 15/09/2018 23:15

You can lead a horse to water, OP.
I don’t know... just leave them to it. Maybe they’re happy just pottering. Why are you so invested in how they spend their time? Not a sarcastic question in the least. But you seem overly concerned.
Some people just like the weekly trip to B&Q and that’s just how they roll. If they’re at peace and not a burden, then be happy for them.

ShackUp · 15/09/2018 23:20

My PILs are the same, but they're actually in relatively poor health. I think their mobility/mental health issues reduce their ability to cope with any outings at all.

Have you chatted to them separately about how they're feeling about life? It could be that one or both of them is having a difficult time.

ShackUp · 15/09/2018 23:22

Oh, and my own parents do the, 'we couldn't possibly do that, your father is clearing out the car ready for holiday in three weeks' time and it WILL take the entire day' thing. It's like a lack of working life makes time perception go all weird.

crimsonlake · 15/09/2018 23:56

It is their life and I do not understand how you see fit to question how they spend their day to lives in their retirement? If they are happy and content with their lot leave them to it.

Iwantacampervan · 16/09/2018 08:15

I think my parents would have been like your in laws but they moved after retirement to a different area of the country. It was like a fresh start (although they'd been holidaying there for years) and they joined U3A and volunteer at a garden as they realised they needed a new group of friends. Through these they've made new friends with whom they go to theatres etc as well and seem to be nearly always out. If they had stayed in the town they'd lived in for 30 years I don't think they would have joined so many things.