To push the in laws to enjoy their retirement more?

[MulberryPeony]

Looking forward to the weekly call to the retired in laws who tell us all about a trip to b&q to get a new bucket or similar because that’s been the highlight of their week.

They don’t seem to have any drive. DH and so have tried to talk to them separately to see what’s stopping them from doing the big plans that they had before retiring but they just make excuses up. We aren’t asking them to take up skydiving, joining a local walking club or popping out for a day to see somewhere new would do.

I’m worried they will regret it when they are no longer physically able to do what they want to do. It seems such a waste.

Should we push them more?

My PIL are like this. Pots of money which they won't spend. Everything has to be done on the cheap, FIL drives an old car, eating out at Harvester, threadbare carpets, holiday in the same place here for 50 years, etc etc. They don't seem to be enjoying what they've worked so hard for. Their choice but seems such a waste.

They are grown ups. Leave them alone.
None of us know how we will feel until we are there..

They do seem content. Quite possibly all the afternoon sex they’re having . MIL is worried about money even though they are financially secure. That mindset might be stopping some things but not joining clubs etc.

What has brought this to the fore is our own pension forecast and review. We know we need to up our savings and we’re discussing our plans i.e. all the big adventures, sports cars etc. but we hadn’t thought too much about the day to day stuff that will also need paying for. It’s a long while off for us and we’re busy with work and young children so our spare time is naturally squeezed at this point in our lives. Part of us can’t wait for the retirement stage to have time to do ‘stuff’ and then we looked to the PIL’s lives and realised we might never achieve our goals. Perhaps many of us make these big plans and few actually do achieve them?

PP are quite right that it’s not our business but I feel that we would have regrets if we went down the same route. They deserve to live life to the full but perhaps that’s something we should be encouraging rather than specifics? Encouraging them to think about five year and ten year goals regarding where they see themselves?

Just to also say that the things we have been suggesting are the very things PIL has in mind initially - we aren’t pushing them into doing something we would find exciting but others might find dull. We are in no way infantilising them.

You spend your retirement just as you wish and let them do the same. They are grown adults and it’s not your place to push or encourage them to spend their time differently.

I can understand OP being concerned if the PILs had grand plans for their retirement and are now not doing anything. It could be that they are happy just pottering around but it also could be that they are depressed and can't really cope now their life doesn't have a structure. They are still relatively young.

MIL is a similar age. For quite a few years she has had caring responsibilities, now, sadly due to bereavement, she doesn't. So she has lost a focus of her life. It is still early days, so we are not pushing her to do anything, but if in a couple of years, the highlight of her week was going to B&Q, especially as she was previously active, we would be concerned.

People can get depression in retirement.

Five year and ten year goals for your retired PIL...?

They need to just be allowed to do their thing.

You can make suggestions, maybe weekends away, days out, etc., but they do not need goals!

My ex pils retired aged 60 and 65 and basically sat in front of the tv
My own dps are still hugely active aged 80's.
My expil used to say 'oh your parents arw marvellous aren't they doing xyz'
Whenever I suggested my pils could do the same (travel, volunteering, walking groups) they used to say they were too old...
I used to think what a waste of your lives... Made me determined to get most out of mine.
My expil are still sat in front of their tvs now

Has nobody mentioned the reality that your PILS’ underlying worry is probably (I could be wrong) ensuring they have enough money stashed away for a nursing home- should it all come to this? They’re 66 and 68 now. Perhaps they’re future proofing and being more frugal and less adventurous now because they want to make sure they’re looked after when they’re older.

@MulberryPeony

What a horrible way to talk about your in laws.

What the fuck has it got to do with YOU if they want to sit watching tv all day, and pottering around B & Q? As someone said earlier, maybe they had stressful careers (or have had stressful lives,) and all they want to do is chill now, and do naff-all.

Are you jealous of them or something? Because you sound very spiteful and judgemental. Same goes for a handful of other posters on here who accuse the OP's in-laws of growing roots and saying they should get 'join classes' or get involved more in voluntary work and the National Trust and hobby groups.

Why must these people 'join classes' or become a volunteer? Many of them have earned the right to do fuck-all, and don't need to be guilt tripped by jealous little shits who have DECADES of work life sill in them.

When I retire in a few years, if some snotty nosed young extended family member/daughter in law/son in law told ME I should be doing more, I would tell them to fuck off.

You sound like you really dislike your parents in law, same goes for @Skittlesandbeer Do they know you hold so much loathing and contempt for them? Why? Are you jealous of their freedom and their easy life? Coz you sound it. You sound bitter too.

Where did that come from?! I think it sounds like the op is concerned about them rather than anything else.

Sorry, but it sounds unpleasantly self-centred to push others to do what you would want to do or what you think they should be doing, what you consider fulfilling.. Does it make you a bit uneasy deep down to recognise that other people can be very different to you? (That's a sincere question & in no way a dig.)

In their place I'd almost certainly have cut way back on my visits to someone forever suggesting how I spend my time and if I'd read your OP and discovered your motive for doing so I'd consider having no more than necessary to do with you. Please, let them live in whatever way makes them happy; stop badgering them to behave in a way that would make you happy.

are you on glue?

let them get on with life as they choose. Why all the interfering?!

Some harsh comments on here. OP you sound caring and concerned.

I am nearing retirement, but currently work term time only. I have the long school holidays and often think I should have great plans for them, but the reality is I enjoy popping to the library and having tea with my neighbour. I work very hard and long hours, so having the choice to do what I want is important to me.

However, I also think that I'm a short step away from depression in the long holiday. Towards the end my days merge together and spend too much time on social media. It worries me that having too much time on my hands will not be good for my mental health.

OP you will be doing the right thing by gently pointing out local events and opportunities. With my own DM I give her small jobs, like calling into the chemist and buying shampoo that isn't available on my online shop. She feels that she is helping me out, it gives her a purpose and I genuinely appreciate her doing this.

WOW, some serious infantilising of your mother there horse helping your momma buy shampoo in real life ALL BY HERSELF.

Wow!

The OP does NOT sound caring and concerned at ALL! She sounds jealous and spiteful and condescending.

It takes a time to adjust to big changes, even if they're welcome ones. It took me several years to fully adjust to retirement from a job I hated.

It also took me by surprise the way your body starts to deteriorate as you get older - even keeping fit and active you get more tired than you used to. Friends think of me as fit and with a full and busy life but what I do now is a fraction of what I used to do in my 20s and 30s.

Is there a university of the third age anywhere near them? Loads of cheap classes for retired folk Yes, but the usual spread of random topics designed to attract numbers. Walking groups. Family history. Basic Spanish. Older people are as individual as younger ones - an individual is quite likely to find that nothing in their local U3A is of the remotest interest to them.

WOW, some serious infantilising of your mother there horse helping your momma buy shampoo in real life ALL BY HERSELF horse says she's nearing retirment herself, so her DM will be in her 80s. And at that age she may be struggling both with declining abilities and the dreadful feelings that come when someone used to being the lynchpin of their family realises that now there is nothing they can do which is useful to anyone.

It is none of your business.

When people age they slow down mentally and physically. The last thing they want is to be harassed by their younger selves.

It is a difficult area due to the young lacking experience of being old yet and also being at the peak if their game.

How would you suggest that your parents deal with you and your insistence on them being young again.

Encouraging them to think about five year and ten year goals regarding where they see themselves?

You sound really patronising. If I were your MIL I would tell you to fuck off and leave me alone.

They should live life how they want and I don't think you should try to interfere. My own parents told me a long story about getting petrol from Asda yesterday. They live their life according to time (breakfast at 8, dinner at 12, tea at 5) every day! They have no need to but they do. I think it's strange and limited, when they say things like "We saw X yesterday, but couldn't stop as we had to get home for dinner as 12". Dinner = only them, self-imposed time! But it is their comfort zone, I had made suggestions in the past but they don't want them so fair enough.

I work on the basis that I'm pretty pissed off when they try and change my life - work pt not ft, do less travelling, don't to IT, why not take a job in a pharmacy (weirdly) etc.

Spiteful? Loathing? Contempt? No. I do actually like my PIL. I want them to enjoy their retirement.

Jealous? Of course a little jealous of those with plenty of time on their hands.

Can I see that people are different from me. Yes, evident before this thread too. It’s very much that I can see they haven’t fulfilled their plans. I’m not making plans up for them.

The cost of long term care may well be something they are worried about and not something I had thought because it seems still quite far in the future. They have mentioned that they are thinking of moving closer to us or DH’s siblings for care but obviously that would still come at a cost of getting extra help in.

I am definitely guilty of not understanding that even them appearing to be in good health they might just not be up to doing what they had planned so thanks to that poster.

When I was younger I did all the childcare without a break or lie in ever (DH worked very long hours, was not lazy). Now I am retired I do as little as I want and have lie ins at the weekend. I don't like joining things and don't want company. I am an introvert and like being alone all day. I definitely would not appreciate any "advice"! I do admit I need to walk more for exercise and intend to do that. But that is all I will be doing.

I definitely think you shouldn’t interfere or discuss this with them but I do agree that it’s such a shame to see healthy people almost ‘give up’ on life

Little things that most people would nip and do in a 10 minute coffee break are now the main event of the week for my PIL. Returning a broken kitchen implement to John Lewis, forgetting her handbag in a supermarket, are stories that keep being re told to me... they are in their early 60s

I don't understand this "giving up" malarkey.

I would imagine when I get to retirement, the fact that I can just potter and binge watch and not have a bloody 5 year plan would be a large chunk of the joy of it?

Are you incapable of expressing a view without being rude and aggressive butterfly.

OP that does seem a sad way for a couple to spend their earlier years of retirement, when they're still fit and healthy. An awful waste of precious time.