To push the in laws to enjoy their retirement more?

[MulberryPeony]

Looking forward to the weekly call to the retired in laws who tell us all about a trip to b&q to get a new bucket or similar because that’s been the highlight of their week.

They don’t seem to have any drive. DH and so have tried to talk to them separately to see what’s stopping them from doing the big plans that they had before retiring but they just make excuses up. We aren’t asking them to take up skydiving, joining a local walking club or popping out for a day to see somewhere new would do.

I’m worried they will regret it when they are no longer physically able to do what they want to do. It seems such a waste.

Should we push them more?

t’s very much that I can see they haven’t fulfilled their plans. I’m not making plans up for them. I haven't fulfilled my plans. They were plans made at a different time, I have changed, those plans aren't important to me now.

The cost of long term care may well be something they are worried about and not something I had thought because it seems still quite far in the future. That's the thing that hits you when you retire - you know that you will never, in practical terms, be able to earn again, or increase your income. It's scary.

Encouraging them to think about five year and ten year goals regarding where they see themselves?

OP, you clearly mean well but, in the gentlest way possible, this is really very patronising. You sound like a parent lecturing your lazy teenage child about their lack of ambition!

OP, I understand your concerns up to a point, but you should bear in mind that they are your DH’s parents, not yours, and that it’s their retirement, not yours. Have you considered that there may be financial or medical issues, or both, affecting them that you are not aware of?

There is a fine line between concerned involvement and being an interfering, judgmental busybody. Be careful not to cross it.

@lydiaatthebarre

Are you incapable of expressing a view without being rude and aggressive butterfly.

Yeah, but sometimes I don't WANT to express a view without being rude and aggressive.

OP that does seem a sad way for a couple to spend their earlier years of retirement, when they're still fit and healthy. An awful waste of precious time.

Good job it's none of your fucking business how other people live their lives then isn't it?!

Puts me in mind of that wonderful saying 'Time you enjoyed wasting, is not wasted time..........'

Never a truer word was spoken.

I know a woman who retired 3 years ago at 50, (lucky thing!) after almost 35 years in the civil service. She has spent the last 3 years bingeing on netflix shows, going for long walks, taking trips to the beach, pottering around her garden, reading, writing, doing puzzles and jigsaws, playing video games, meeting up with friends now and again for coffees, and spending precious time with her 2 young adult children who she visits every week, and looking after her home and pets.

She said SHE has had nosy and bitter extended family and so-called friends wanting to know why she isn't doing volunteer work, why she isn't in more hobby groups, why she doesn't volunteer at the Church, why she doesn't join some amdram group, etc etc.

How about they mind their own business? If she wants to spend every waking hour, reading, watching tv, surfing the net, going for walks, and planting seeds and bedding plants, it's got fuck all to do with anyone. She has paid her dues, worked for 35 years, raised 2 kids, got to 50, and decided she will finish work and do what the hell she wants.

She keeps herself busy anyway; gardening, reading, doing puzzles and games, going for walks, coffee mornings with friends a couple of times a month, looking after her home, (and pets,) and being there if and when her kids need her .. (And do bore off with the 'if her kids are grown why do they need her' bollocks....Kids ALWAYS need their mother.) Why does she have to join groups and volunteer for stuff?!

Seems to me a few people are bitter and angry about this, and very jealous of her.

I can't WAIT to be in that position. When I retire, I am doing fuck all, except chilling....

As for this 'we should be encouraging the retired to plot 5 and 10 year goals' crap..... Ba ha ha ha ha ... Every retired person I know would tell you to fuck right off if you came at them with that! Including me (if I was retired!)

My DH plans to retire in 3 years. I'm sadly 10 years behind him.

We have bought a house in Norfolk in the middle of nowhere and we plan on doing nothing we don't want to do.

He'll fish, and I'll watch endless DVDs and read a lot. If we get bored we might decide to do something else.

I wouldn't thank my kids for trying to organise me.

Leave them alone!

Would you like it if the "pushed you" into doing things that they wanted you to ? No? Leave them alone , they are entitled to do anything they like.

I sometimes feel this about my mum, she has a few 'bucket list' type things she's always talked about but never done and I try and encourage her. The truth of it is that these things would be expensive and after spending most of her life budgeting for a family and paying bills it's just hard for her to justify big spends. I think it's a shame but I do get it. It's hard to break habits of a lifetime and step out your comfort zone. Now I just think, as long as she's happy in life then she can't have too many regrets. Happiness is the overall aim anyway. Who knows, I might be exactly the same!

I'd like to think I'll be healthy and well and having an exciting and busy retirement in about 20yrs time. However, part of me will look forward to the pottering about and annoying my son with talk of my latest trip to B & Q. I kinda like the idea of literally having nothing more to do!

5 and 19 year goals, OP? Bloody hell youre getting worse!

When I retire, one thing I’m going to LOVE is no more having to make up goal shite in annual appraisals at work.

Why not just make them have a performance with you every year?

Many (most?) of us spend our entire working lives with constant demands on our time. Not having to give a shiny shit about “where I want to be” in 5 years time? Absolute fucking bliss.,

@EllisSandra

Many (most?) of us spend our entire working lives with constant demands on our time. Not having to give a shiny shit about “where I want to be” in 5 years time? Absolute fucking bliss!

This X 1000. ^

And not only demands on our time from work, but also from children, and other family.

Having nothing to do, nothing to plan, and spending all day watching netflix marathons, sitting in the garden sunning yourself, or pottering around the garden, or reading a book, or going for a 5 mile walk, with FUCK ALL ELSE to do...... no 'organised groups' or voluntary work, or shit like that, BLISS!

By the time people retire, they have paid their dues to society, so people can fuck right off with the passive aggressive 'do volunteer work' bullshit. Leave that to the people who didn't work for 35 to 40 years in a paid job with responsibilities and targets and goals, and spent most of THEIR lives fucking around doing what they wanted, WHEN they wanted!!!

How do the rest of you deal with the ramblings of your twattish offspring.

Honestly leave them be.

Dh retires next year at 58 having worked for almost 40 years in HM Forces and a related post Forces retirement job. He is looking forward to moving back to the UK, and having time to do what he likes, as opposed to being on call 24/7, or having to work weekends, or working to tight deadlines, or travel a lot. He wants to attain a sports qualification, buy an old sports car and get involved in the local club that does his particular sport again. If he was urged to have a 5 year plan, I know what the response would be!

I see this a bit with my parents. Their world has got smaller and smaller really in each year of retirement. They do do more than the OP’s inlaws though. I have come to realise that they are happy with what they do and that what makes them happy is different to me. At this point in my life, I imagine my retirement to include lots of travelling, learning new skills like painting or a new language. My husband would probably be happy to sit around all day and relax.