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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my Mum being unfair or am I?

67 replies

blondeemily · 15/09/2018 11:59

Ready to be told I'm being a bit tight but a situation with my Mum is really starting to wind me up.

Mum is in her mid-fifties and since splitting with her partner has a new-found social life. She goes out most saturday nights with friends, which I'm glad about as she seems happy (she went through a period of being very unhappy after my sister moved away). However, she has a small dog and she doesn't like to leave her on her own for any longer than around 3 hours.

I only live 10 minutes up the road, so guess who is asked almost every saturday night to pop in and let the dog out. I know it doesn't seem like much of an ask but I have a really busy job and saturday night seems to be the only time I get to chill. I can't relax knowing I have to go out again at 9-10pm just before bed.

When my sister is home and they go for days out etc, I am called upon again for the same reason. It's as though the dog is made into my responsibility. If I have said I can't go over, she has given me a guilt trip..."poor dog...you don't care about her...you're so selfish". And then I end up feeling so bad that I give in and go over anyway! I've explained to her how I feel but she just went off at me, saying the above.

My partner agrees with how I feel but he would never say this infront of my Mum Hmm

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 15/09/2018 12:01

It's not your dog so it's her responsibility.
Every Saturday night would be really anmoying

Wheresthel1ght · 15/09/2018 12:03

Her dog her responsibility - and I say that as a dog owner.

Stop letting her guilt trip you, as is so often posted on here, "No." is a complete sentence

SpottingTheZebras · 15/09/2018 12:03

Every Saturday would annoy me as well. Although I admit I would begrudgingly go and do so, although it would annoy me even more in the winter.

Can you look up th details of a local pet sitting company and tell your mum to arrange someone to do it?

checkingforballoons · 15/09/2018 12:09

Can she not ask a next door neighbour to do it? But yes, YANBU.

HoleyCoMoley · 15/09/2018 12:13

Why should anyone have to do this, it's her dog, if she worries about him she either doesn't go out for more than 3 hours or gets a dog sitter. Id just say no sorry youre going out or not answer the phone.

5SecondsFromWilding · 15/09/2018 12:13

It's definitely her problem, not yours, but I'd be mindful of any favours she does for you while considering how to handle it.

If it were me, I'd probably 'have plans' for a few weeks, forcing her to consider alternatives. Or, if that 10 minutes is driving rather than walking, just say you'll be drinking so won't be able to go. Or if she leaves it to the last minute, be unable to go due to not feeling well.

teaandtoast · 15/09/2018 12:14

YANBU. I know what you mean about not being able to relax if you know you've got to go out later.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 15/09/2018 12:15

Sprained ankle? Can't possibly walk round there...

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 15/09/2018 12:15

I thought this was going to be about helping an elderly Mum who otherwise would have to give up get dog - she is taking the piss! Is there an amount of dog visiting you are happy to do - eg once a fortnight, once a month, then tell her that’s what’s happening, and she will need to make other arrangements for the other nights

HoleyCoMoley · 15/09/2018 12:16

Why do you look after the dog when she goes out with your sister, why can't they take the dog with them, are you also invited along.

LagunaBubbles · 15/09/2018 12:16

Yanbu. Why are you feeling guilty when it's not your dog? And Mum or no Mum I wouldn't let anyone talk to me like she spoke to you and called you selfish, when it's her that's being selfish!

QueenOfMyWorld · 15/09/2018 12:17

I've got a dog and if he has a wee before I (rarely) go out on a sat evening he's fine til i get home she ibu and if I asked someone to do this every Saturday they'd think I was a cf

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 12:17

Dog sitter. If you choose to have an animal it’s up to you to sort out it’s care.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 12:17

The you in my comment being your Mum OP, not you.

QueenOfMyWorld · 15/09/2018 12:17

4 to 6 hrs apparently

Is my Mum being unfair or am I?
reallybadidea · 15/09/2018 12:19

I agree that it's very annoying. To keep the peace I might suggest that she bring the dog over to yours and collect it after. Caveat - I like dogs and I go to bed late

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 15/09/2018 12:20

It's nice she's enjoying her freedom but the dog is her responsibility not yours. Do not feel bad about saying No.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 15/09/2018 12:20

I don't think it's too big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2018 12:22

Yes, I hear you on this, it's annoying. Even though it's minor it's a
Pain in thr ass. You're fairly in a catch 22 though.

Eliza9917 · 15/09/2018 12:22

Couldn't she drop the dog off to you before she goes out? Then you don't have to go out to hers and what's the harm in looking after it if you're in anyway?

Whatsthisbear · 15/09/2018 12:23

Your mum is being very unfair! Tell her she's the selfish one, it's her dog and if she cares about it so much she shouldn't go out every week.

I think I would be developing a migraine/cold/frozen shoulder/raging urine infection/knee injury every week for the foreseeable which would mean I would be in my pj's at that time and totally unable to leave the house Wink

KurriKurri · 15/09/2018 12:27

I would say 'no I have other plans' if she can't leave the dog, she shouldn;t make her own plans until she has checked with you that you are willing to pop in. And if you are not willing then she either changes her plans or she doesn;t go, or she finds alternative dog care. You don;t have to justify saying no, just repeat it until she gets the message.
She's taking you for granted. And if she says 'poor dog, you don;t care about her, you are selfish' tell her that applies to her not you as it is her dog.

I love dogs, I have one - it does restrict my social life a bit, because I don't like to leave him for more than 3 hours max. But I knew that when I got him, having a dog comes with responsibilities and they are a bit of a tie. You either go places you can take them or you have a care system worked out, or you limit your time away. I'm happy to do this because my dog brings me huge joy, if I wasn't willing to do it, I wouldn't have a dog.

themuttsnutts · 15/09/2018 12:29

Agree with the the others. Just be unavailable for all different reasons so she is forced to ask someone else. If she says you are selfish, just say 'yeah, I am' and say you have to go. Someone is at the door

I never understand people like this who ask the same person every time. I'd be embarrassed . If I couldn't find someone, I'd stay at home.

And I also don't understand people who get pets than expect everyone else to look after it. I'd love a dog but don't want to be tied down hence why I don't have one

Original poster
blondeemily · 15/09/2018 12:32

Thanks for all your suggestions.

She likes me to spend half an hour with the dog as well and isn't really close enough to her neighbours to ask them to do that. If i suggested a pet sitting company...well i can imagine her reaction and it wouldn't be good! I would have the dog at my house but to be honest, that would be even more hassle as we have guinea pigs and she just will not settle here (runs around like she's possessed!)

OP posts:
flumpybear · 15/09/2018 12:35

Give her the number of a pet sitter, mine charges £7 per visit, feeds animals, stays around half hour and cleans out piggies if we're away for a while

I'd hate being dragged out if my home to let a dog out every week - tell her to pop home in a taxi and let the bloody dog out if she's that bothered!

Next door fair enough but not 10 mins walk away