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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my Mum being unfair or am I?

67 replies

blondeemily · 15/09/2018 11:59

Ready to be told I'm being a bit tight but a situation with my Mum is really starting to wind me up.

Mum is in her mid-fifties and since splitting with her partner has a new-found social life. She goes out most saturday nights with friends, which I'm glad about as she seems happy (she went through a period of being very unhappy after my sister moved away). However, she has a small dog and she doesn't like to leave her on her own for any longer than around 3 hours.

I only live 10 minutes up the road, so guess who is asked almost every saturday night to pop in and let the dog out. I know it doesn't seem like much of an ask but I have a really busy job and saturday night seems to be the only time I get to chill. I can't relax knowing I have to go out again at 9-10pm just before bed.

When my sister is home and they go for days out etc, I am called upon again for the same reason. It's as though the dog is made into my responsibility. If I have said I can't go over, she has given me a guilt trip..."poor dog...you don't care about her...you're so selfish". And then I end up feeling so bad that I give in and go over anyway! I've explained to her how I feel but she just went off at me, saying the above.

My partner agrees with how I feel but he would never say this infront of my Mum Hmm

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
stressedoutpa · 15/09/2018 12:38

If I was at home I'd tell her to bring the dog over for the night and collect later/early Sunday morning.

She's very cheeky. The dog is her responsibility. Do what suits you.

IamReginaFalange · 15/09/2018 12:38

Could you not go. Hope it shits everywhere and then say you fell asleep because you are so busy and tired.

QueenOfCatan · 15/09/2018 12:38

That's really unfair. You're going to have to just say no and stick your foot down over it, she's really taking the piss though.

bimbobaggins · 15/09/2018 12:39

I don’t understand how this is even an issue. Surely, mum that doesn’t suit me, I’ve got a busy job and it’s my only time to chill should be suffice. Anything else she’s got to say if she goes off on one don’t engage. Don’t give in.

Rhondacross · 15/09/2018 12:41

Actually Mum you're right, I don't care much about your dog. If I wanted the fun of taking a dog out late at night I'd get one of my own.

Bluelady · 15/09/2018 12:42

We leave ours for up to eight hours (he's got a bladder of cast iron). She needs to stop being so precious, he'll be fine for an evening

bringincrazyback · 15/09/2018 12:42

YANBU. Your mum's taking advantage of your proximity and good nature.

HyggeHeart · 15/09/2018 12:44

so a ten minute walk each way and half an hour with the dog! That's an hour out of your Saturday evening. No. That's not acceptable when it's your one chance to relax in a busy week. YANBU to stop doing this.

HoleyCoMoley · 15/09/2018 12:45

Why should the neighbour do it either, it's her dog.

Lweji · 15/09/2018 12:49

As others say, "It's not my dog".

Offer to do it maybe once a month and stick to it.

Presumably she goes out regardless of whether you can go or not. If so, then she's being a hypocrite.

Skittlesandbeer · 15/09/2018 12:54

Time for you to get your own dog? Apparently owning one gives you automatic rights to CFery?!

WhitefriarsDillyDuck · 15/09/2018 13:03

I would just have the dog dropped off and then picked up.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2018 13:05

Could you potentially keep the dog over night? She could drop it off and pick it up in the morning.

Original poster
blondeemily · 15/09/2018 13:09

WhitefriarsDillyDuck Bluntness100
As I have said, she is a bit of a nightmare at my house. We have guinea pigs and she knows they are there so she doesn't settle.

Think I need to be a bit tougher with her. She has a power over me and manages to make me feel awful no matter how much I know she is being illogical or unfair Blush

OP posts:
Maliali · 15/09/2018 13:13

Its great that your DM is enjoying her life again after a rough time but as a pet owner she needs to factor in their needs when making plans. Even if you only live 10mins away, your weekend is your downtime and you shouldn’t have to go round to sort the dog out during that time( emergencies excepted). It’s not fair. She needs to pay someone to call in and let the dog out and spend a bit of time with it, or tailor her nights out to fit around getting back to do that herself.

Havaina · 15/09/2018 13:15

What happens when you go out with her? Or does she only invite your sister out?

Why would she react badly to a dog sitter/walker? Is she tight?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 15/09/2018 13:15

Hey op. Can I just ask does your mum does stuff for/with you too?

It seems very one sided from here and completely unreasonable so I just wondered if she had some sort of hold on you.

Also are you not invited out with your mum and sister? Do you see your sister too? Just struck me as odd your mum got upset when she moved away (and why your sister moved in the first place - maybe she was fed up being surrogate hand holder)

But yes just say you have plans and give her the number of a dog sitter. Once in a while is fine. Every week is taking the piss.

Lucy001 · 15/09/2018 13:21

Dogs that are exercised and well looked after don't need to be supervised every hour of the day. Mine manages perfectly well with me doing a full time job. What do dogs generally do most of the time when you aren't watching them? They sleep! My very active three year old likes nothing more than napping away the boots so that he's ready for lots of walks and attention when I get in. If your mum can't leave her dog, then the answer needs to be to not leave it!

Meltedicicle · 15/09/2018 13:22

What does she do when you’re on holiday or unwell? Do you never go out on a Saturday night yourself? As others have said, the dog is her responsibility not yours. I would perhaps meet her halfway and say you are happy to do it once a month (or whatever you would be ok with) but she needs to sort out the rest of the time.

Cloglover · 15/09/2018 13:22

She goes out a bit later and comes back a bit earlier or leaves the dog for a bit longer. It's 10 mins there in the cold or rain, half an hour sitting with the dog and 10 mins back again. Expecting someone else to go out of their way on a Saturday night (each Saturday night) for an hour is unfair. She needs to amend her schedule not get you to amend yours. How long exactly is she out for? 3 hours on a Saturday night is enough if you have responsibilities (children or dogs!)

Iloveacurry · 15/09/2018 13:25

It’s not your dog or your responsibility. She’s the selfish one.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 15/09/2018 13:26

If you don't want to do something, then just don't do it. You are a grown adult and no one can force you to do anything. Yes she is very rude for insisting and the things she says but equally, you are the main problem because you keep doing it. Just say no. It really is that easy.

OnoAnotherNC · 15/09/2018 13:27

She is being very unfair on you.

I was also curious as to whether you were invited on the day trips she goes on with your sister.

Feefeetrixabelle · 15/09/2018 13:27

If she starts the guilt trip throw it back at her. Poor dog don’t you care leaving him all on his own? Why no mother I don’t mind because I know a responsible loving dog owner such as yourself will cancel your plans and stay home with him

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/09/2018 14:07

"poor dog...you don't care about her...you're so selfish".

You need to toughen up and set personal boundaries.
you're allowing her to make you feel bad.
you don't have to listen to her crap or dance to her tune.

Perhaps you should throw her own words back at her next time she tries to guilt trip you?