Is my Mum being unfair or am I?

[blondeemily]

Ready to be told I'm being a bit tight but a situation with my Mum is really starting to wind me up.

Mum is in her mid-fifties and since splitting with her partner has a new-found social life. She goes out most saturday nights with friends, which I'm glad about as she seems happy (she went through a period of being very unhappy after my sister moved away). However, she has a small dog and she doesn't like to leave her on her own for any longer than around 3 hours.

I only live 10 minutes up the road, so guess who is asked almost every saturday night to pop in and let the dog out. I know it doesn't seem like much of an ask but I have a really busy job and saturday night seems to be the only time I get to chill. I can't relax knowing I have to go out again at 9-10pm just before bed.

When my sister is home and they go for days out etc, I am called upon again for the same reason. It's as though the dog is made into my responsibility. If I have said I can't go over, she has given me a guilt trip..."poor dog...you don't care about her...you're so selfish". And then I end up feeling so bad that I give in and go over anyway! I've explained to her how I feel but she just went off at me, saying the above.

My partner agrees with how I feel but he would never say this infront of my Mum

Any thoughts?

aaaaargghhhhelpme No she doesn't really do anything for me...but I don't need her to, to be honest. I live with my partner and we're very independent of our parents. My Mum and sister are very close, and I don't get on with my sister, so no I don't go with them when they go out.

Ah. I did see your posts and think your sister might be ‘the favourite one’

Does she see you socially too? Go for days out etc.

It’s just it all sounds like she’s using you somewhat. But because she’s your mum you feel obliged to do as she says.

And I forgot to say - her using emotional blackmail to get her own way is really low. You seem lovely and have pets - she must know you’d hate that poor dog to be left alone.

But it’s really really not your responsibility. And she’s awful for making you feel responsible

I'm trying to work out how you're the one being selfish? It's lovely that she has a social life, but there's no reason why you have to be inconvenienced by it.

If she feels so sorry for the 'poor dog' then she needs to stay home and not leave it alone while she goes out enjoying herself. And unless the dog suffers from major separation anxiety it should be able to be left longer than three hours.

The dog is no one responsibility but hers. Why on earth does she think she has the right to push it onto you every Saturday evening.

Stop being a doormat. You have the right to have your free Saturday evening as much as she does, in fact you have more right, it's her dog.

The dog sitter is a good idea. It's her dog, it's up to her to organise cover for it.

I would never expect anyone to look after my dog like that. She's being completely selfish and unreasonable.

I wouldn't do it EVERY Saturday night! The dog is her responsibility. Once in a while is okay though. I would arrange to be busy the next few Saturday evenings. Go to a mates house. Suggest a dog sitter if she asks.

She needs to find a neighbour to sort the dog (if needs be she can pay a teenager to pop in). She won't bother if she knows she can manipulate you into doing it though.

The dog is her responsibility not yours.

And asking you to care for the dog while her and your sister go out is taking the piss to be honest!

Don’t let her walk all over you, it’s not your responsibility. You need to be telling her that. Or use the ‘No that doesn’t work for me’, sentence.

The first no will be the hardest. Say it and stick to it. Don't give any reason just that you can't.

The next one will be easier. And the next.

If your mum did you lots of favours then I would say yes, you owe it to her. You say she doesn't.

This is a big chunk of your time and would be okay a few times a year, but not every week.

She needs to get a dog sitter. If she finds someone quite local it shouldn't cost much.

I don’t see why she can’t leave the dog alone for one evening a week tbh.

Just tell her you are going out so you can’t watch the dog for her. She won’t know that you haven’t gone out. Close the curtains lock the door and put phones on silent.

Dog owners normally get other dog owners to help them as then it works both ways but you get lumped with a dog for nothing in return.

OP, you seem to be saying you are not able to say no to her and that you are scared of the repercussions.

This is something you need to get help with. We can tell you what you should say or do and how you should feel for another 900 posts. But it won’t change the unavoidable fact that until you have the resilience to say no to her and realisation that her reaction and subsequent behaviour is not your fault or responsibility.

So you need to tackle whatever is preventing you from saying “I will no longer be looking after you dog when you go out on a Saturday” and sticking to it. You need to be also able to deal with the fall out and to not engage with whatever guilt trip and bitching she pulls in retaliation. The dog is just a symptom of something amiss in your relationship with her and perhaps a general problem in asserting yourself.
She doesn’t need you to look after the dog, but she does need to keep to under her control and jumping to her attention. That is a big personality fault and one to be avoided or managed.

I feel your pain I look after my mums pets when she's out and it's so annoying especially on cold nights going round when I'm all cosy watching tv but I'd never let her know it was a bother and always offer my services because I know she would and does do the same for me.

The kind of mum that has the place spotless with dinner cooking when you return from holiday....if she wasn't like that there's no chance I'd be going round every weekend I'd be telling her no and dodging phone calls and messages from her.

Love the idea about saying your out next Saturday then just closing the curtains

Stop being such a doormat and say no, you’re going out/having a sex marathon/watching a film. Dog can be left for 4-6 hours and is not your responsibility.

As StepBackNow say the first time you say now will be the hardest. I've always looked after my DD's dog when they go away. I don't want to do it as I find having the extra dog stressful and my dog doesn't like it.

Last time I paid for the dog to go into kennels rather than come to me, next time I shall feel able to say no. I didn't want the dog here then, I'm not going to want it here again.

I'm not for a moment suggesting you pay for a dog sitter, for goodness sake don't do that, but refusing once will make you realise you can refuse again.

*the first time you say no, not now

Where is your mum going all night on a Saturday night. If she's playing cards at a friends she can take the dog with her? Can she not pop home? Don't tell me she preloading on vodka and going out on the razzle till 3am?

I second what others have said- is there nobody closer who can let her out for a pee? Neighbour?